Posts Tagged 'hos'

Ugh

I wasn’t going to write about this, but it just keeps nagging and nagging at me.

As some of you probably noticed, the Fireman left a couple of comments here last week.  Up until that day, we hadn’t spoken, texted, messaged, or anything else since July.  I’m not sure why he felt compelled to leave a comment rather than contacting me directly, but there you go.

I ended up texting him a little while later, and just kind of saying hi.  We texted back and forth most of the night, and it was nice, but also weird.  You see, when I read the comments, I decided to go see if he’d written anything lately.  While I checked every day right after the breakup, it had been a while since I’d looked.  As I read, I felt a)nervous, b)upset, and c)pissed off.  Apparently, he and his son’s mother hooked up a few times after we broke up. 

This woman…this person…this low-down ho-bag, basically abandoned their son when he was younger to chase after an older guy who had lots of money.  She eventually came back around and, according to FM, she’s a great mother.  She and her lawyer boyfriend just bought a house this summer.  Yet, they hooked up, he told me three times.  “It just happened.”  (This is the dumbest fucking excuse ever invented.)  No, he doesn’t owe me explanations anymore, but damn.  I would think that as a person who was cheated on by her, he may have a little more restraint in helping her cheat on her current boyfriend.  Wouldn’t you?  I always said that he was the best man I ever knew, the most upstanding person.  Now I’m wondering if any man is? 

Also, I’m wondering if they “just” hooked up before we broke up.  There was certainly SOMEthing that happened to make things change so fast.  Call it intuition or whatever you want to, but I know there was something that occurred, whether it was her manipulating or not.  One night, right after things started to get weird, I told him my fears about his ex and how she manipulated him.  I also told him about a dream I’d had about a woman getting in between us.  When I described the woman to him, he told me I’d just described his ex (I didn’t know what she looked like), and got a weird look on his face.  This is all just weird coincidence, I suppose, but it’s niggling and worming around and won’t let up.  Of course, I can’t ask him this, because what does it matter now?  We broke up 3 months ago, for crying out loud.  Still, I want to ask.  I know I won’t.

I’m also bothered by the fact that he told me he’d been reading the blog up until I wrote about him being a liar and a pussy (same thing in my book), which was about a month after the break up.  That was a long time to be clued in to everything I was feeling with me not having a clue what was going on with him.  Doesn’t seem fair, does it?  Guess that’s what I get for writing out in the open. 

Bekki left an angry comment on his page, which embarassed me a little.  I knew that it wouldn’t make a difference to him.  When we broke up, he wasn’t sad.  He may have felt bad for hurting me, and guilty for whatever it was that caused it, but not sad for losing me.  Why does this matter to me now?  I’m not sure.  I wish it didn’t, and I tried to pretend that it didn’t for over a week now.  It bothers me that he acts so nonchalant about sleeping with his ex who has a live-in boyfriend.

I want to be okay with this, and not care what he’s doing or has done or will do.  Boys are so fucking stupid.

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Perspective

Last night, it was so very hard not to message HotD.  His birthday is today, and I had already sent a card off before Monday, so I couldn’t pull it back in.  I was practically sitting on my hands so I wouldn’t call or text him. 

I began to remember last year and how completely “dead” I was.  Back when all the crap started with Douche, I was urged to start writing a journal.  I did so just about every day for June and July.  I wrote down all of the things that I couldn’t say to him, because he either wouldn’t take my calls or wouldn’t listen.  It did help.  I hadn’t gone back and read any of the pages until last night.  I was able to read the words and remember what it felt like when I wrote them.  By the same token, I realized that I’m not that girl anymore.  Perhaps It’s Me Penelope’s post inspired this, who knows?

The following is an excerpt from my journal, dated 6/6/07:

Saw Douche today.  He actually showed up at Little J’s game tonight.  He wanted his ACU cap (he’s a soldier) and a list of all our expenses.  I was firm with him and tried not to let him manipulate me.  I do still feel sorry for him*.  He’s so lost right now.  Lost to me, lost to the boys, lost to his family, even himself. 

I miss him so much and it’s hard to be so close to him and not be able to touch him or really even talk to him about what matters.  He still doesn’t think he owes me an explanation for what he’s done.  I really do want that and he still can’t face up to it.**  That makes me so angry and so hurt that he can’t even do that for me.  I realize now that he never loved me the same way I loved him.  He took me for granted from day one without a thought as to what he was doing. 

I hate that my kids are going through this.  I hate it that no one in his family has called to check on us.  I don’t want to lose them.  I love them as my own. 

He never respected me, not from the beginning.  I need a man who will respect me and love me for who I am, not who he wishes I were.  An honest man who I won’t have to wonder if he’s actually telling me the truth when I ask him a question.  Someone who won’t drag my boys down if they make a mistake at school or in the ballgame.

I hope I can be friends with Michael one day because I love him.  I have since I was 14 years old.  I think it will take a long time, though.

*Man, I’m a sucker.

**He still has yet to admit anything, even while remarried and with a baby on the way, he is still denying they are married.  DOUCHEBAG!

 

I still can’t believe how blind I was all those years!  Reading this did give me some perspective, though.  I have been through worse.  This breakup with HotD has been somewhat easy, except at night when I would’ve been talking to him.  I guess it’s like any other addiction, the habit is hard to break.  I feel better today.

While typing this here, I realize again that I am so glad to be done with Douche, at least on a day to day basis.  Since he’s a soldier, he lives in Alabama while I live in Indiana with my family.  I’ve only had to see him at Christmas and on Spring Break, and I’ll have to see him in the summer.  I’m looking forward to setting eyes on the c*nt in all her pregnant, stretch-marked, water retaining, splendor.  I’ve never met the ho in person before.  You can be damn sure I’ll be looking my best when I meet her, though.  Small victories, eh?

 <——-Words of wisdom, those are!