The reason for the secrecy all of a sudden is the Douche and a threatening email he sent last week.  After three weeks of not a word about the boys wanting to live with him, why it might be good for them, or why he all of a sudden wants them there after three years of nothing, I sent a very cordial, non-threatening email to him letting him know my reasons for wanting them to stay.  This was the exact email I sent (besides the names being changed, obviously):

We need to talk about what’s going on with Big J.  Email is the easiest way
with time differences and busy schedules, so here goes…

He told me that he would like to come and live with you and Cunt (his wife).  As
I’m sure you would guess, I’m upset about this, but Big J and I have talked
about it and discussed the reasons he wants to and the reasons he should

In talking to a counselor and also with a lawyer, it’s not as cut and
dry as someone led Big J to believe.  Because I have sole custody, a judge
would have to change the custody agreement in order for him to move
there, and in all honesty, why would a judge change custody?  It would
be splitting up the boys, you’re deploying again, and they’ve only spent
a total of 9 weeks with you in the past three years.

He starting high school next week at a magnet school, in a program that
would pretty much guarantee him entry into a good college for
engineering, which is what he wants to do.  He’s also guaranteed a full
scholarship to any college in Indiana through the 21st Century Scholars
program he’s enrolled in, as long as he finishes high school in Indiana.
He’s in football and wants to do wrestling, baseball, and track, too.
He has lots of opportunities here, and I’m not sure why we would want to
change that now.

He misses you and Cunt, and he wants to be a part of his sister’s
life, and that is all very understandable.  We can’t be irresponsible,
though, in letting him believe that he will be able to live with you,
which is only going to hurt him in the long run.  There are lots of
visitation times that don’t get used.  I have never keep the boys from
you, and I never would.  I know that it’s expensive, but are there
military or stand-by flights you could take to visit the boys more
often?  It seems that we should be able to work something out where they
could see you more often, which is really what they want.

No matter what is decided, it has to be our decision, between you,
Cunt, and me.  We are his parents, and we can’t go back and forth
between the boys.  It creates more stress for them, and they don’t need
that.  I understand that he came to you guys with this, but ultimately
we are the ones who make the decisions.  I hope that we can reach a
consensus on what is best for the boys and then talk to them about it.
And this was the response I got:

They both came to me and said they want to live with me and Cunt. I
don’t want to hurt your feelings about what they’ve said. It’s his
decision who he wants to live with, and I don’t want to split up the
boys either, which is why I’m taking the proper steps in getting all
information I need. If I do deploy anytime soon, they can spend that
time with you. Most people I’ve talked to can’t see why you would not
let them come and stay with me. I can’t think of any good reason why you
won’t let them. All that stuff about college is all good and stuff, but
he can get into college anywhere. Are you saying that’s the only way he
can get into college?? If so, you don’t have that much confidence in
Big J. They were scared to death to talk to you about living with me. Big J
texted and called after he first talked to you about this, I was asleep
of course. When I tried to call back all day, and no one answered, I had
to call the police just to check. If you notice, he doesn’t feel
comfortable talking to me on the phone when your around him, he’s afraid
he might upset you. And giving him a phone and telling him not to give
me the phone number was low. He should have plenty of minutes with child
support and your job together. I’m always trying to figure out why they
can’t do a lot of things they want to do with all this money you got. It
can’t be that bad there. You live with your mom, so you’ll always have
room and board, that alone, takes away any possibility of you having
money problems or worrying about having a place to stay. So where is all
the money going. Kids go to school for free. I guess the only way to
know is to have you show me for the last 4-5 years where my child
support went. OOOPS, that’s right, since I’ve made all my child support
payments, I have the right to see how it’s being spent since I started
paying. Listen, I’ve stayed silent for a long time, I knew from the
start what you would do, I felt bad for the boys for a long time. I knew
I would have to let them live with you for awhile after I set you up.
But now they want to live with me, THEY WANT TO, it’s what they want. I
know what you are going to say, it may be want they want but it’s not
the best thing for them or whatever you want to tell yourself. They can
still do what they want to do for their future, I’m going to support and
push them to success. I will do everything in my power to make sure they
don’t end up like us. One joining the military to get out of the parents
house, and the other one a 30 year old living in her mother’s basement.
I won’t let it happen. It’s too easy to let them come up here. THEY will
succeed. Again, they came to me, it’s what they want. The only one not
allow this to happen is you. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and
think, what would make them happy. Isn’t that what parents want for
their. As long as there happy. They haven’t been happy for a long time
now, if you would have noticed or made them comfortable enough to talk
about it. They spill their guts to me. They also need their dad at this
age. I’ve had a lot of stress released of me since our divorce. The boys
have notice a great deal difference. They actually feel comfortable
talking to me. They told me you wouldn’t give up without a fight, and
you made them go see a shrink, which made everybody laugh by the way,
but honestly if you want to fight this in court, that’s fine. But, I’m
telling you, you will not live it. Please, please don’t let it go that
far. I know you, you think you have the upper hand. But after the boys
start talking, you won’t like it. I let you take the boys during the
divorce because I was worried, not because it was the best thing. After
4-5 years, maybe they should live with me. I really want you to think
about this, I don’t want a long drawn out thing here, it’s not good for
the boys, there in the middle. I feel bad for them. Maybe, maybe you can
see what’s best for them and what you’re doing to them. Please, please,
please, please think about it.

For the record…he has LOTS of visitation time that has not been taken advantage of.  As you know, he saw them for a week in the spring of 2008, a month for the summer of 2008, and the five weeks they were in Alaska this summer.  He’s called the boys ONCE since the day he called the police, which was the Monday after they got home from their trip.  He called the police after calling our son’s cell phone twice and leaving one message on the home telephone (we weren’t home).  He never called my cell phone, and the text message our son sent him said, “We told her, I’m a little scared.”  I checked the phone.  We will have been divorced for three years in November, not the 4-5 years he keeps referencing.  When I bought my son a cell phone, the first thing I told him to do was text his dad, step-mother, and paternal grandparents with the number.  I have never told him he can’t talk to anyone, I only told him that since his phone was prepaid and minutes are expensive, if he wanted to call his dad, it would be better to use my phone instead.  So much of this disturbs me, not the least of which is him telling me he’s “gathering information” and that I won’t like it when “the boys start talking.”  Talking about what?  What information?

When I read this message, I began sobbing.  Not only is he threatening to take my children from me, he’s actively putting them in a position to give him information about me and my life.  Even though I know that there is no reason for a judge to change custody, and even though I absolutely believe that this is the best place for them to be, it’s terrifying to think that he, his wife, and his mother are seemingly out to prove that my kids belong with him.  I don’t think that anyone knows about the blog, but I am not about to give them a chance to find something here that could be used as a bargaining chip against me.  I changed all of my albums on Facebook to “Friends only” and removed his sister from my friends.

It seems more of a vendetta against me than wanting to spend more time with the boys, no?  I know that my boys want to spend more time with their father, and I wouldn’t keep them from it…at visitation times that were designated by the divorce agreement.   I’m not sure why in his mind it has to be all or nothing.

Have I told you lately I hate my ex?

9 Responses to “Happenings”

  1. 1 Karen August 29, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    Again, so sorry you are going through this crap. My advice is don’t talk to him about things. If he wants to bring you to court the burden he has to overcome is huge. It is just sad that your kids have to feel torn.

  2. 2 Ron August 30, 2010 at 12:04 am

    Listen to Karen she’s a lawyer 😉

    Make him do all the legal work and start pulling all your information together on him too. I would document all his visitation time not used and even the number of phone calls he has made. When it comes down to it a judge would have to wonder about a parent that wants custody when he can’t even be bothered to use his visitation. And truly he is stupid if he feels all the college oportunities he has worked hard to obtain should be thrown away with no thought other than he can get more.

    Any way it goes it will suck.

  3. 3 Ron August 30, 2010 at 12:07 am

    Oh…. and don’t even get me started on the child support comment. What a fucking moron! Like kids don’t eat, need cloths, go to the doctor, have extra curricular activities. He also sounds like he’s doing it from the goodness of his heart to, what a douche. A judge awarded that amount because kids cost money and being a douche not even visiting he doesn’t see what is spent on them. Grrrrrr……

  4. 4 Sarcastic Bastard August 30, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Wow. This is so disturbing on so many levels. I am so sorry you have to deal with this shithead.

    I will be thinking of you. Please keep us posted.



  5. 5 amy d August 30, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    Oh my god…Erin! I am so sick to my stomach over reading Douche’s email. I could not imagine finding out my husband is cheating on me and leaving me for his mistress. And then starting all over again, i.e. going back to school to better the lives of you, Big J, and Little J. And then just when things start to settle down, this shit happens???

    It’s not right Erin.

    Your amazing ability to find the silver lining and always be able to remain opptimistic is what originally drew me to your blog. You have had some curve balls thrown your way that no one deserves. Please focus on how hard you’ve worked the last few years and keep that inner peace and positive spirit about you. I am praying that your beautiful boys continue to live with you. If you ever need to talk or vent, I’m just an email away.

    Love you!

  6. 6 vinomom August 31, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    Have you talked to your boys about it? What are their reasons?

    I hear about all these nightmare situations from blogging and FB that end up in court. I would miss you – but if you actually think he might go through w/ the court stuff, I would delete both accounts asap.

    Hopefully he’s like most men, and it’s all talk. After seeing you’re not going to back down right away he will decide it’s not worth the effort of lawyers and the money.

    Hang in there Girl.

  7. 7 mumma boo September 12, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    Oh honey, this just sucks. I hope things have started to resolve themselves at this point, but if not, hang in there. He’s got a much tougher battle to prove he’s a worthy parent than you do. Document every interaction you have with him, and talk with your boys about what they’re thinking. His reasoning is ridiculous, and I’m willing to be that when things start looking like the court will get involved, he’ll back off. Normally I don’t wish ill on folks (karma and all that), but he certainly deserves a major pox on his testicles….

    Love ya, sweetie.

  8. 8 jessiee November 13, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    hope everything’s okay, ging. Been a long time since we’ve heard from you.

  9. 9 honeywine January 15, 2011 at 11:28 am

    I know we already talked about this, but I just realized that he comes up with this crap mostly after he finally sees them. I think these guys are right. I still think he just wants to punish you and try to get more contact with you and this is probably the only way he can without Cunt being suspicious. I hope things settled down, but it’s one thing after another.

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