Archive for October, 2009



Guess I Found The Words After All

Middle of the night and it’s just too quiet.  I don’t like being alone, not for very long.  While there are times when I can’t wait to be alone, with no one around, I am the kind of person who likes to have a partner, a buddy, a pal, a lover.  I crave the touch, the hugs and the affection.  I like to be able to sink into another person, lean into them and just be. 

This may be the only time I’ll ever say anything good about Douche here, but that’s one thing he was good at.  He would let me hug all over him as much as I wanted to and not complain.  In fact, every lover/boyfriend/whatever I’ve had since hasn’t minded much, either.  The one who was best at cuddling was the one who never let go first.  Then he did.

It’s been over a month since I’ve hugged anyone other than my children.  I haven’t seen my girlfriends since school started and the guy friends I have now, I am being SUPER careful with to keep as friends.  I wonder if I’ll ever get used to this?  It’s been 2 years since my divorce.  I’ve had 2 “serious” relationships, 1 friend with benefits (that was a great dumb idea), and a not so serious relationship, but intimate nonetheless.  These all happened one right after the other. 

I once had a friend tell me that the reason I fall in love so easily and hold so tight to people is because I’m afraid to be alone.  I’m sure there’s some truth to that.  I mean, see above, right?  It’s been almost four months since I’ve been out of a relationship.  When WT and I would get together, I’d get that closeness factor, sitting together while we watched Dexter or whatever movie it was, I’d get hugs and big laughs.  It was a comfort, and it definitely helped me not to be so sad over the Fireman.  He was like a security blanket.  He was my good time, my fun.  So maybe that’s why I’m so sad?  Because I know I don’t have that to look forward to anymore with him?  Don’t get me wrong, and before you say it – yes, I understand that I will be close with someone again.  Plenty of fish in the sea and all that jazz.  He was just a friend.  So on and so forth.  Time marches on.  Any more platitudes I can squeeze in here?

I know it doesn’t really make sense for me to be so upset about what happened.  It had nothing to do with me.  It wasn’t done to me.  If he were just a friend, I should stand by him and support him, right?  Love your friends no matter what?  I used to think so.  Who knows.

The thing is…it’s just that…I mean, the more times this happens (ahem, intentionally or not), the harder it gets to take on the chin.  And I could really use a good, honest  hug.

Quiet

It’s too quiet.  That’s really all there is to say.

Double Digits

8-24-2009 5;09;47 PM

My baby-est baby boy is now into double digits.  He turned 10 yesterday, and I still can’t believe it.  He’s my BABY, dammit.  Since he isn’t a giant like his brother, it’s been easier for me not to see him as the “big boy” that he is.  He doesn’t really watch cartoons much anymore (except The Simpsons, because that show is da bomb), he doesn’t color in coloring books.  He’d rather run outside and shoot hoops with the neighborhood kids than just about anything else.  Sit on Mom’s lap?  Hahaha, hardly.  In the last year, he’s decided he’s too big to do that anymore.  He still lets me hug him and cuddle sometimes, but he’s not the snuggle-bug he was a year or two ago. 

8-24-2009 4;24;58 PM

The boys didn’t have school yesterday because it was a teacher work day.  We headed over to the cheap theater in Michigan (seriously, we can buy three tickets, three drinks, popcorn or nachos and candy for everyone and spend less than $25)(and it isn’t dirty or run down) to go see Where The Wild Things Are.  This movie was freakin’ awesome, yo.  It was funny, heartbreaking, and visually stunning.  If you loved this book as a child (who didn’t?), go see it.  You won’t regret it.  The rest of the day was spent getting hot chocolate, playing football, cooking dinner, and playing video games.  I think he had a pretty great birthday.

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October 2009 061

We had his party at the skating rink today, and only three of the kids he invited showed up.  I was disappointed since I had to pay the same amount no matter how many kids came, but Little J was cool with it.  I probably shouldn’t have scheduled it during the Notre Dame/USC game, eh?  D’oh!  The kids skated and played video games and had cupcakes and ice cream and root beer…and I didn’t have to clean it all up when it was over. 

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How’s your weekend so far?

No Title

All night, I weighed the pros and cons of remaining WT’s friend.  This whole week (it’s only been a week since I found out?) has been miserable.  I haven’t slept much, I’ve cried, I’ve raged, I’ve felt completely impotent and frustrated.

I even got into an argument last night with Bekki over it.  She asked me if this was the end of my friendship with WT, and I told her “I hope not.”  No one makes me laugh like he does. 

The problem is, I am hurting very bad over this, and it’s not going away.  I asked him today if he is going to try and be a couple with his roommate now, and he said he didn’t know.  To me, that means “yes, but I just didn’t want to tell you.” 

That’s my cue to walk away, at least for now.  I can’t keep expecting more of people than they’re willing to give, and I can’t keep giving to those who don’t value me. 

This is fucking sad, man.

Shame on Me

So, I’m feeling really guilty about how I reacted to WT’s situation.  REALLY guilty.  Not so much about my initial reaction, but what followed.

On Monday night, I sent a really mean email to him – full of venom and spite and mean-ness.  Those of you who know me in real life know that one thing I’m not is mean.  Moody?  Yes.  Sensitive?  Oh yeah.  Mean?  No. 

I felt (and still feel) betrayed, whether it’s justified or not.  That’s how I feel, and I don’t know how to un-feel it.  When I hadn’t gotten a reply by yesterday afternoon, I asked him to talk to me.  I wanted to fight.  I wanted something, and there’s nothing more frustrating when you want a fight than being confronted with stoicism.  Through the phone, no less. 

I asked him why he hadn’t answered, why he was treating me like a bad guy all of a sudden.  Then he said it, the thing that shut me up and shamed me but good.

Because you’re making this all about you.

I nearly threw my phone.  This phrase infuriated me completely.  It was true.  He was right.  I shouldn’t have done that.  As soon as he said that, I knew I was wrong.  I apologized…after a while. 

Oh, I’m not saying that I don’t have a right to be upset or angry, or that I deserve at least a face-to-face chat, but I shouldn’t have kicked him when he’s already down.  I wasn’t being a good friend, and two wrongs don’t make a right, so on and so forth.  

This was made doubly clear when we IM-ed a little after we’d both cooled down a little.  He told me they think the pregnancy may be ectopic.  This is very dangerous, and would mean the pregnancy would have to be terminated.  I don’t wish that on anyone, no matter how much I dislike them.  No one should lose a child.

I feel like such a fucking asshole.

Weary

Let’s see, it’s 10:40 pm and I’m just getting done with homework…

I am flippin’ exhausted.  Every night this week has been spent working on school work from the time I get home until the time I go to bed.  Mix in nights of little sleep and bad dreams, add in two midterm exams in one day, and you have an explosion waiting to happen.  Or a good cry, rather.  By the time the boys went to bed and I was alone behind closed doors, all the stress and anger and sadness came spilling out.  And yet I was still working on my website for class – go me!  After tonight, I should be able to take a break for most of the weekend and enjoy Little J’s birthday festivities.  The boys don’t have school Friday, so Senor Fussypants is staying with his other sitter, and we’re sleeping in (praise Jesus). 

OH!  Yesterday, I bought tickets to see The Avett Brothers in February.  Hollaaaaa!  Super duper excited about it, but won’t know who I’m taking with me until closer to time. 

I’m sorry I haven’t been keeping up with responding to all the comments here.  I read them and I appreciate them oh so much, though.  I’ve also been reading y’all every morning/night/in between classes/anytime I get a chance. 

So there you go, just checking in.  Hope you’re all having good weeks, and if not that things get better.  Tomorrow’s got to be a better day.

Totally Music Tuesday

Still anxious, still angry at the world today.  Wishing I could do a lot of things that I can’t, feeling insignificant and unhelpful, and generally not knowing still what to do or say regarding both my sister and the other “situation.”  It’ll be okay, my sister is in a doctor’s care and is smart enough to know that she needs help.  I’m afraid the “situation” has totally knocked me for a loop. 

This song’s been running through my head for a few days, so you get it this week.  Imogen Heap and Jeff Beck – Blanket.

This one’s a bonus that I discovered today.  I love the Meiko album I have, but I’d never heard this one.  It’s beautiful…