Archive for August, 2009

The Sort-Of True Adventures of Our Aunt Becky, Part Deux

When we last checked in with Our Aunt Becky, she was carried away in the beak of a flamingo.  If you missed the first part, you can find it HERE.  We rejoin her story, already in progress.

 

We weren’t sure where the flamingo was taking her, but we knew we couldn’t let anything happen to our dear, sweet, loving, kind Aunt Becky, so we followed that damn pink bird all over the yard.  Big and Little J were playing a game, and wouldn’t you know it, that asshole flamingo dropped Aunt Becky right in the hole.  AUNT BECKY GOT CORNHOLED!!!!*  The terror!

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Luckily, Little J was there to save the day.  He reached under the board and grabbed her before the flamingo could get its dirty birdie beak back on our precious aunt. 

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However, in her confused state, Aunt Becky took off running into the forest.  We didn’t understand why she ran away, but I guess she was just out of her mind with fear of the big pink bird.  We called and called, but she didn’t answer. 

When she finally came back, she had quite the tale to tell.  Apparently, she’d run into a gorilla.  I wouldn’t have believed It myself if she hadn’t had pictures.  I mean, how often do gorillas just run around in the woods – in Indiana, no less?  Aunt Becky told us that he was a nice gorilla, and offered her a ride on his butt for as far as he was going. 

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The gorilla got to where he was going, and bid Aunt Becky adieu.  She hopped down and began humping it in what she hoped was the right direction back to our place.  Eventually, she came to a little shop, where she ran into a moose.  Again, what’s a moose doing here?  No clue, but like the gorilla, he was nice and offered her a ride.  At first, she opted to ride on top of his head, but found that she was much more comfortable down in his moose knuckle. 

 

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She rode that moose knuckle all the way to the edge of the property, and then got a little help from an inchworm and an ant to make the long trek across the yard. 

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We were all so happy to have Our Aunt Becky back that we toasted with wine.  She wanted to wash the smell of gorilla ass and moose knuckle from her skin and didn’t partake in the vino.

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We stayed up late into the night giggling and having a slumber party, and the next day we decided to have breakfast before it was time for Aunt Becky to go.  She started off sharing some hot chocolate with Big J, and then for some reason, she decided to chug the syrup (yeah, I know…gross).  We took before and after pictures.

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Right after this photo was taken, Aunt Becky turned four shades of green.  I wonder if she had any “accidents” on her way to her next adventure… 

Thanks for coming, Auntie, and come back now, ya hear?

You can read about Aunt Becky’s adventures with other bloggers HERE.

*Corn hole is a bean-bag type game.  I’d never heard of it until I moved to the midwest, and the name always makes me giggle.  “Who wants to play corn hole?!”  Hahahahaha.

Intermission

The Adventures of Our Aunt Becky will continue Monday.  Until then…

The other day, I had to go up to campus to get the one textbook I could neither rent at Chegg (love this website!) nor find elsewhere for cheap.  The damn book cost more than all my other books combined.  Holy inflated prices, Batman!  Anyhow, the Wonder Twin was on campus as well, so we met up.  Neither one of us had anything to do for a while, so he tagged along with me to a secondhand shop.  I was hoping to find a nice jacket or coat, since winter (damn, stupid winter) is on its way, and a girl’s gotta have some options, right?

We were laughing about something as we walked into the shop, and what happened next was odd, yet funny, so I thought I’d share.

Shop lady:  Hi!  What are you looking for today? 

Me:  Oh, just looking, thanks.

Shop lady:  Are you looking for a wedding dress?!

Me:  (laughing) No.

WT:  No, I’m gay.  (Why is this the first thing he thought to say?  Why don’t you want to pretend to be engaged to me???  WHY OH WHY?)

Shop lady:  Oh, well okay, then.

We looked at the coats, but honestly all they had were furs/faux furs and leather coats in all colors.  Some of the furs even had paws and faces!  We made our way to some of the clothes racks and laughed our asses off at the polyester, shoulder-padded, multicolored summer jacket (I wish we’d gotten a picture), and the lingerie (who would wear underwear that belonged to someone else?!?!), but there was nothing that we wanted.  As we were leaving, the shop lady spoke up again.

Shop lady:  Young lady (ooooh!) would you like one of our cards?

Me:  Sure.

Shop lady:  (writing hours on the card) These hours are good until after Labor Day, which is the 7th, and then we’ll be open an hour later every day. 

Me:  (nodding my head)

Shop lady:  (looking at my naked finger)  Are you engaged?  Looking to get engaged?

Me:  No.

Shop lady:  Well, if you ever do get married, you should come back!

Me:  Erm, okay.  Thanks.

Ok, beyond this being bizarre, methinks this lady is in need of more customers.  Specifically, ones who are looking to get married.  I wish I had thought to tell her “My husband is dead!” or something equally horrible so she’d have left us alone.  As it was, we just kept asking each other if we were “looking to get married.”  Good times. 

Have you ever had weird exchanges like this?  What did you do and say?  Did you think it was funny, or get insulted because Oh My God!  How could you not at least be engaged at your age?!?!

The Sort-of True Adventures of Our Aunt Becky

Aunt Becky came for a visit this month!  No, THE ACTUAL AMAZING Aunt Becky didn’t schlepp her sexy ass over to Indiana, but she did send me a few of her nifty business cards.  You see, she’s running a contest on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka, to see who can be the most creative with her cards.  You can read about her exploits with other stalkers fanatics readers HERE.

I was sickeningly excited when I received the pink envelope in the mail.  My Aunt Becky loves me!  She does!  I stuck the cards in my purse and started thinking of all the things I could do with them.  What follows is based on actual events (more or less).

The whole family was abuzz upon Aunt Becky’s arrival.  Little J played butler and fetched her a cold one.  It wasn’t her usual vodka, but she seemed to like it, as she drank it down in about 2 seconds flat.  She was tired from the trip, and boy, it was hot!

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Once Aunt Becky was cooled off and had relaxed a bit, we went downtown for a proper South Bend greeting from Knute Rockne.  He took a likin’ to ol’ Aunt Becky, and gave her these words of advice concerning her contest, “Show me a good and gracious loser and I’ll show you a failure.”  They whispered more about losers, laughing and pointing at yours truly, because that’s how they roll.  They were all, “Blah, blah, blah WINNING.  Blah, blah, blah PRIDE.”  I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening.

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For some reason, Aunt Becky was in a beach-y kind of mood.  She wanted to play the ukulele for us, so we obliged her, and as she played a song about tiptoeing through the tulips, we danced around her.

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Little Senor Fussypants wanted to play with Aunt Becky, too.  He saw how much fun we were having with her, and he wanted some face time.

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It was still quite hot out, so Our Aunt Becky strolled over to the waterfall and took in the beautiful view.  She thought for a moment about ending it all, just jumping, plunging to her watery death in the fabulous Dolphin Falls.  Then she remembered how totally rad she is and realized how stupid THAT would be (very). 

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Just as she was climbing down off the ledge, a flamingo captured Aunt Becky in it’s beak!  OH NO!  How was Aunt Becky going to get out of this pickle?  Who could possibly save her?!  Will she ever write again????  What will become of Our Aunt Becky?

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To be continued…

Totally Music Tuesday

Have any of you caught the new show Hung?  It’s alright, Thomas Jane is a god, and the music is great.  Every time I heard the theme song, I thought to myself, “Self, you really should look it up and find out who that is.”  I finally did the other day, and it was The Black Keys.  Anyone ever heard of them? 

I listened to a bunch of their stuff online, and really loved it, so that’s what you get this week.

The first one is “Be Your Man,” which is the theme song for Hung.

Second is “Hold Me In Your Arms.”

No Wonder Twin Tuesday this week, wah, wah.  😦  I’ll be with Senor Fussypants all day, though.  🙂 Hope y’all have a great Tuesday!

The Dating Game

It’s late and I can’t sleep because I was a goober and slept too late this morning.  Whoops.  That was stupid.

Anyhow, it’s been a quiet sort of day.  I’ve watched a movie (Tropic Thunder – it was great!), read more of Nikki Sixx’s autobiography (that dude is a freak of nature), read any blogs that had been updated, chatted with a few folks, and goofed around with my boys.  Now, it’s reeeeally quiet in the house, and my mind is running amuck. 

One part nostalgia and two parts melancholy, I guess you could call it.  Don’t really know how to articulate whatever it is at the moment, so I suppose I’ll catch you up on the dating game. 

I’ve gone out with Drillbit again.  I’ve kind of been struggling with this one.  Like I said before, he knows that right now, I’m just dating around.  I want to make sure that if I get serious about someone, that it’s someone worth being serious about.  However, I find myself wondering if I’m doing the right thing here.  He seems pretty smitten, and I am kind of lackadaisical about the whole thing.  I like him, I like hanging out with him, we have plenty to talk about, but (please don’t shoot me for this) he seems almost too nice.  To be fair, I felt this way about The Fireman at first, too. 

Here’s the thing, though…under the new rules, we’ve only had a few kisses, nothing passionate, nothing really special.  I mean, they were pleasant, it wasn’t all sloppy or anything, but there wasn’t that charge, ya know?  The last time we went out, we went to the movies, and he grabbed my hand when we were in the parking lot leaving.  It was awkward – like he’d been waiting to do that the whole time, and was just scared to.  This bothers me. 

Sex is very important to me, and so is sexual compatibility.  I’ve had a boyfriend whose sex drive didn’t match mine, and it sucked.  I’d be ready to go, and he’d suggest cuddling.  Ouch.  I like a man to take charge, dammit!  What if this is just what he’s like, and it isn’t ever going to change?  I mean, can you imagine getting down and dirty with someone who’s afraid to hold your hand in public? Am I being too harsh?  Do you think it’s just because I’ve kept things so non-sexual?  What should I do about this???  This is so different from my other experiences, so I don’t know if this is normal.   I’m such a weirdo.

I also had lunch with a younger guy (24) one day last week.  We’d chatted quite a bit on IM, and he got a lot of my obscure references, so I figured he’d be cool.  Things were good at first, but I knew we weren’t going to be more than friends after a few minutes.  He came off as pretty arrogant, which, yeah, not cool.  However, this sealed his fate – he was talking about something and said, “it’s just so gay.”  I told him that I absolutely hate it when people use the word gay like that.  He asked why, so I told him, “because you’re using the word in a derogatory way, like there’s something wrong with being gay.”  This little son of a bitch actually said, “It is.  It’s morally reprehensible.”  Can you believe that shit?!  I told him I completely disagreed and left shortly thereafter.  What a fucking moron.

So, that’s what’s going on.  The ol’ dating game is lackluster at best.  I have found a few new people to chat with, and got a surprise FB request from a fellow blogger’s buddy who told her I was cute.  He seems to be a pretty cool dude, and hopefully I can get together with them next time I’m in the big city, seems like it would be fun times.  (HEY MAN!  You just got a shoutout!  You could even comment sometime if you wanted to.  Ba-zing!)

The Answers To All Your Burning Questions

Well, I asked for it, right?  Here are the questions y’all asked, along with my answers.  I think Ron takes the cake for the weirdest questions this time…

 

Ms. Moon asked –  “Okay- here goes- what is the meaning of life? I think maybe Sr. Fussypants was telling us but I don’t speak his language. “ 

Well, that’s easy!  SHA, right, and monkeys might fly outta my butt!  I don’t know nothin’ about nothin’, but if I were to share my personal philosophy, I would say that the meaning of life is to be as kind as you can to everyone you come into contact with.  Now, let’s gather ’round the campfire and sing Kumbaya whilst wearing our Birkenstocks and hemp clothing.

Ron asked two questions – “You are locked in a small room. All you have are some jumper cables, a dozen gerbils, a bottle of wine and 2 bottles of caffeine pills. How would you use these tools to escape from the room? “

First, I would make sure I had MacGruber with me…

(The video won’t embed, but if you don’t know who MacGruber is, go here. )

Because who DOESN’T want him around in a crisis?  Then, I’d drink the wine, give the caffeine pills to the gerbils, and send them off with instructions to bring back help.  You know, because they’d be small enough to slip under the door.  If that didn’t work, I’d use the metal part of the jumper cables to beat my way through the (wooden) door.  If I wasn’t able to get out, I’d probably grab MacGruber by the mullet and do dirty things with him to pass the time until my gerbil army found help.

Ron’s second question – “If you were to live too close to a Nuclear power plant and become mutated, what kind of mutation would you rather have? A mutation that was not visible and caused you pain or on that was clearly visible, but caused no pain.”

Do I get to choose what my mutation is?  If it were ginormous boobs, then I would say hell yeah, bring it on!  In either case, I’d probably go with no pain.

The Dish asked:  “If you could pick the most important trait in the perfect mate, what would it be?”

Immediately, my reaction is to say attraction.  I think that’s not quite it, though.  It most definitely  would have to be a great sense of humor.  Laughter causes attraction.  I could be with the hottest man ever, but if he can’t make me laugh, he won’t get too far.

Evil Twin’s Wife asked – “What is your favorite color? If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you be? “

My favorite color is red, the color of passion!  If I were choosing a place that I’ve been before, it would be Texas…probably Austin.  If it were somewhere I’ve never been, I would choose somewhere in Italy.  I’ve always wanted to go there, but since I’ve never been, I don’t know if I’d like living there.

Vinomom asked – “Where did you grow up, and how far from there do you live now? If it is far, how did you end up there?”

I grew up in a small town north of Houston called New Caney.  Now I live in South Bend, Indiana, and according to an online map search, from the house I live in now to the house I grew up in is 1128.40 miles.  I got here in a very roundabout way.  Here goes the explanation…

I moved away from Texas when I was 18.  I was an Army wife for 10 years, and moved from Texas to Georgia, to Hawaii, to Louisiana, and back to Georgia.  Georgia is where I got divorced, and since Douche and I had never bought a house (too many moves), I didn’t have anywhere to live.  My mom and younger sister had moved to South Bend in 2000 because this is where my mom’s husband lived (they met online, knew each other for two years before Mom and sis moved).  My choices for living arrangements after the divorce were to either move in with my mom and step-dad, or to move in with my dad and step-mom (who I lovingly liken to Cruella Deville).  I chose what I thought was the lesser of two evils.  Having been away from my parents for so long, it’s been a huge adjustment for all of us.

Karen asked – “What is a thing about each of your boys that makes them special? What colors do you lean toward when you get a pedicure? How do you feel about Michelle Obama wearing shorts on Air Force One? (The current news story on my TV).”

The most special thing about Big J is that even at 13, he’s still a Mama’s boy.  He’ll still let me hug him and even occasionally kiss him on the cheek!  Also, he’s done pretty well at teaching himself to play the guitar, and he’s amazing on the football or baseball field.

Little J is the funniest damn kid ever.  The child has got timing!  He regularly makes Big J and me laugh till we cry.  He, too, is a Mama’s boy, and lets me love on him a lot still.

When I get pedicures (more likely, giving myself one), I usually stick with bright pink or lavender in the spring/summer and deep red in the winter.  I have super pale skin, so it’s hard to get away with pale colors.

It doesn’t bother me in the slightest that she wore shorts on Air Force One.  It’s just more proof that she is down-to-earth, in my opinion.

Lola asked – “Um, if you, say, won a contest on someone’s blog, what might you wish to be your prize (within reason, of course)?”

One meeeeellion dollars!  Or, you could send me something erotic, due to the nature of the contest.  I’d even blog about it!  😛

 

Okay, that was fun (except for all the link-age).  If anyone has anymore questions, the floor is still open!

Who, What, When, Where, How

Day three of the first week of school, and I feel like a zombie.  The boys like their teachers so far, and they haven’t even had any homework yet.  Big J may even be able to play football this year, even though he missed try-outs.  I’ll be staying with Senor Fussypants again tomorrow, WOOHOO!

I don’t really have much to write about today, so I’m going to take a page out of Evil Twin’s Wife and Ron‘s playbooks and open myself up to questions from you guys.  This could either be a very good idea, or a very bad one.  I’m up to it, though…ask away!

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