Calling All Angels

How often do you analyze yourself, looking back on your experiences and how you’ve dealt with them?  I have to admit that while I reflect on things daily, that’s usually all it is – daily reflection.  I write about it and then pretty much forget it, unless it’s something big, and that’s okay.

Lately, though, I’ve been trying to figure out what the pattern is in the relationships I’ve had since my divorce, and what my role has been in their demise.  I’ve had three real boyfriends, and they’ve all ended pretty much the same way.  I can only blame “stupid boys” for so much.  When the same things happen over and over, you have to figure out what it is that you can do to change it.  Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome is insanity, right? 

I never dated before I was married.  My first serious boyfriend became my husband when I was still a teenager, and we were married for a decade.  Therefore, when I was ready to date after the marriage was over, I had no clue how to do it, I only knew how to be married.  I was 27 and going on my first real dates.  To say it was awkward is an understatement.  I had fun, though, and it was an end to the dry spell that seemed it had been going on for years (in reality, six months).

What I’ve realized, though, is that the men I seem to fall for are ones who don’t have boundaries.  They’re the ones who give me a key to their place within a few weeks, who say “I love you” very quick, and who like to talk about the future before it’s really appropriate.  I want to be loved and feel secure so much that I get swept up.  I will be the first person to admit that I have poor self-control.  There are a lot of times that I will say exactly what’s on my mind.  If I like someone, I tell them.  If I want to kiss someone, I kiss them.  Ditto for sex.  I like-ah da sex a lot

So how can I be smarter when I start dating again?  I need to change the way I’m doing things, for sure.  I have a few ideas, and I certainly welcome yours, too.  I need to make sure that I don’t give so much of myself to another person that doesn’t deserve it, which means making whoever “courts” me work for my affection.  This also means that I’m gonna have to slow physical stuff waaaay down with any new guy, which I am sure is going to be very hard for me (see above).  If it helps me to keep my head about me, though, it will be worth it.

Okay y’all, I need some help.  Give me all the advice you’ve got!

12 Responses to “Calling All Angels”

  1. 1 The Dish July 30, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    I think you already summed it up quite nicely. I think all women do that to some extent (okay, maybe some of us more than others). I don’t know if it is necessarily something that can be controlled. I definitely think it is worth a try, but I have no practical experience! 😉

  2. 2 Evil Twin's Wife July 30, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    I guess I’d say to take things VERY slow and don’t read too much into the lines that guys will give to get what they want. After a while, the ones being rebuffed will give up without a fight. The one(s) who truly adore you will stick with you and wait. 🙂

  3. 3 Vinomom July 30, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    Hmmm…I have so been where you’re at. I wasn’t married young but really didn’t do any dating at all until I was about 23. I know thats different than 27, but I really only went on dates w/ about five guys before I met The Boyfriend, and none of them were repeat dates, really. One Night Stands, now that I have some real advice on.

    I am a big believer in Like Attracts Like. If you are giving off a needy vibe you will attract guys that are “overly giving”. Guys that come on strong in the first few weeks totally creep me out. I believe that Dating Games are necessary and exist for a reason. As much as we don’t want to play them, when we are too honest and wear our hearts on our sleeves, we get hurt. Very few guys, as evolved as they think they might be, are immune to an upbringing and social stigma of Man chases Woman. Man makes the moves. Ooga Booga. Ya get me?

    I have soo much to say on this subject. It’s not fair. But it’s just kinda how it is. I’m wined out now, but let’s talk more soon.

  4. 4 Ron July 30, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    Don’t look to me for any advice on that subject I have nothing. Wishing you the best of luck though.

  5. 5 KC July 31, 2009 at 10:30 am

    To expand on what Vinomom was saying, guys need the chase. I don’t think you have to play games, per se, but you also can’t make yourself too available. If you like someone, like them. Tell them you like them. There is no shame in being you. They are going to find out about the real you eventually, right? At the same time, have your own life. When you first meet someone and they wait until a Thursday to ask you out for that weekend…you already have plans (even if you don’t).

    Even if you really want to see someone, you have to demonstrate that they need to treat you like a lady and respect your time and schedule. You are saying all the time how smart and sweet and awesome you are. If you put everything out there right off the bat, a man is not going to be able to see that.

    Also, the physical part of a relationship can often have a blinding effect on the social aspect. Take your time. Get to know each other. Make that boy want to have sex with YOU, not just want to have sex. There is a huge difference.

    Good luck.

  6. 6 Aunt Becky July 31, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    I’d take it all sllloooowwwllly and any guys who are busting into the “let’s get married” stuff on day 2? RUN LIKE HELL.

    Good luck, Ging. Dating sucks.

  7. 7 JennyMac July 31, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Ahhh…dating. I will say I loved it in my pre-married life. My advice to my little sisters: Have a self concept that works. No man’s interest in you is a big shiny star that you are worth something. So having confidence and self respect are key. I also told both of them we teach people how to treat us. That means no bullshit from day one. Yes, people make mistakes but being disrespectful is not a mistake, its a choice. Good luck.

  8. 8 MindyMom July 31, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    I can relate to much of what you wrote here. I met my (ex)husband when I was 18 and married him at 20. He left me when I was 32 and only since then am I learning what it is I really want in/from a relationship. I’ve made some mistakes along the way but this is the only way we learn. Stay aware of yourself and your patterns (it seems like you are) and most importantly; LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! I swear, if I had done this sooner I would have avoided a lot of pain. But now I know and that’s the biggest and bestest advice I can give you.

  9. 9 lola July 31, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Well, all I can say is that you do have to slow down on revealing everything too soon, and don’t go for the sex too quickly. Tough, I know, but guys have gotten used to this hooking up crap and have no idea how to have a relationship. Make them work for it. If they really like you, they will put in the work.

    Oh, and any guy that says they love you right away should be kicked to the curb. It’s pure bullshit or they’re insane!

  10. 10 gingermagnolia July 31, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    Thanks for all your advice. I knew there was a reason I loved ya…er liked ya a lot!

  11. 11 auntiegwen August 3, 2009 at 2:11 am

    If it’s any consolation I am crap at dating too. I did read NML at baggage reclaim and found her MR Emotionally Unavailable stuff and the your own dating habits stuff interesting

  1. 1 That’s A Load Off « Names Have Been Changed….. Trackback on August 17, 2009 at 2:01 pm

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