Happy Fucking Birthday

Fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck. 

I knew something was wrong.  For a whole damn month I’ve known it.  What have I said before?  I should listen to my instincts, because they’re pretty strong and pretty accurate. 

I had two conversations with FM in which I addressed these feelings, to which he assured me everything was okay with us, I didn’t have anything to worry about.  When we were together, I felt confident in that. 

I guess I should back up a little.  From February until the beginning of June, everything was perfect.  I kept asking myself if it was too good to be true.  I guess it was.  We talked about marriage and babies and the kind of life we would have.  No, I was not the one who started all of these conversations.  We had fun and we laughed and it was like home.  It felt safe and real, and I was so happy and felt very lucky.

Things changed, he was scared and started pushing me away.  I went to talk to him last night because I was tired of knowing something was wrong but not knowing what.  I guess he had been thinking about it as much as I had.

There was no yelling, no screaming or throwing things.  I cried, but I didn’t call him names or cuss him out.  I got my things (clothes, movies, etc.) that I had there.  The money I had put in towards a trip somewhere fun.  I kept waiting for him to say no, don’t go.  He didn’t.  And goddammit if I didn’t realize that one of my favorite cd’s is in his garage, and I have some of his things here, too.   

I drove around aimlessly because I didn’t want to go home a sobbing mess.  I called Bek.  I had told her earlier in the day that I thought he was going to break up with me.  I met Mel and she drove me to Bek’s house.  I told them what had happened, and cried a whole lot.  We joked about all the weird celebrity deaths, about how Bek is freaked out that my intuition is so strong sometimes, and about how I can’t seem to keep a man.   I have never reached for a bottle to help me feel better, but last night I did.  It didn’t work.  I still couldn’t sleep. 

I’m still crying even now.  I’m the asshole who was crying in her car this morning on the way home, because FLASH to us laughing on the living room rug, him saying “let’s get married.”  FLASH to us laughing in bed and him saying, “we are going to have such a fun marriage.” FLASH to me looking at him one night and just knowing he was it.  FLASH FLASH FLASH. 

I’m not anxious anymore, at least not like before.  Just really sad.  Not understanding still, but knowing that I’ll be okay.  How many times have I been through this?  I don’t even know.  It’s not a new feeling.  I always find my way.  I told Bek that the worst part might be that I can’t even call him an asshole or a bastard, because he isn’t.  He’s still a good man.  She said she thought he would call in a few days and say he made a mistake.  I know he won’t, it’s not his style.  I’m gonna miss him, but I’ve been missing him for a while now.

It’s gonna take a good while to get over this one, babies.

11 Responses to “Happy Fucking Birthday”


  1. 1 Ms. Moon June 29, 2009 at 10:33 am

    Oh, Ginger. NO! This sucks the big donkey dick. I am so sorry. And on your birthday.
    There are no words to describe how badly I feel for you.
    Please be as sweet to yourself today (and tomorrow too, for that matter) as you can.
    And dammit- Happy Birthday anyway. I’m glad you were born.

  2. 2 Ron June 29, 2009 at 10:38 am

    I’m sorry. {{HUGS}} Maybe he just scared himself with the commitment? Try to have a happy birthday anyway.

  3. 3 vinomom June 29, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    What did HE say the reason was? Or did he just do one of those vague it’s not you it’s me guy things?

    So sorry it didn’t work out…Have a great birthday, and have a man hating session with friends, even if he isn’t a dick.

  4. 4 DutchBitch June 29, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    Awww Hon-Ey! I am so sorry!!! * HUG *

  5. 5 teeni June 29, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    I’m so sorry. Everything was looking good about this relationship for so long that I was kind of surprised to hear this. With every relationship comes some learning though – some is about ourselves and some is about the other person. So be thankful for the opportunity to learn, and keep your heart open. You never know where you will go from here. Hugs to you and I hope the pain passes soon.

  6. 6 Karen June 29, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    I am so sorry. I even started to get teary when you mentioned the waiting for him to tell you not go. I know that feeling.

    Happy Birthday. I know nothing will really make it a happy one. 😦

  7. 7 Evil Twiin's Wife June 29, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    {{{Hugs}}} I’m so, so sorry! If you need to talk, you know how to find me.

  8. 8 mommywantsvodka June 30, 2009 at 11:04 am

    Sorry, Ging. This blows ass.

  9. 9 Lola June 30, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    I’m so sorry about this, girl! {{{Big hugs}}}

  10. 10 The Dish July 1, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Ginger, Sorry I am so late. This sucks so bad and the timing could not be any worse. I know this hurts. I hope you enjoyed the bday anyway, and start to heal.


  1. 1 A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood « Names Have Been Changed….. Trackback on July 29, 2009 at 10:17 pm

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