In Need of Escape

Why is it that our mothers can so easily make us feel like shit?  I swear, my mom is the best at it.  With just one sentence, she can reduce me to a child just like that.

Every few months or so, I get pretty down on myself.  I’m not where I want to be in my life, by far.  I am not where I thought I’d be at (almost) thirty.  I once had a home, a complete family, a nice car, a good job, plenty of money.  I was out away from home by 17.  I hate having to depend on my parents.  I hate not having all the things that I want for myself and my kids.  I HATE it.  It’s pretty obvious they hate it, too, as they take just about any opportunity they see to help me see:  a) what bad children I have, b) what a horrible mother I am to have such bad children, or c) I should really be grateful that they allow us to stay here.   

In the last week or two, I have been plenty down on myself.  There are many different reasons, but this is the heart of it.  It’s summer, I’m taking classes, but I  have no job because (HELLO!) there is no one I can rely on to watch my kids.  Per the parents, the boys aren’t allowed to be left home alone (even though they’re old enough).  Therefore, I have no money.  Therefore, we have limited options on things to do over the summer.  We can go to the park, we can go out and play, and yes, those are good things.  We will probably go to the movies a couple of times and maybe the skating rink.  All I want to do is get out, get away from them.  They are always here, they never go anywhere.  My mom is a teacher, so she is now home all. the. fucking. time., and my step-dad got laid off a few weeks ago, so now he is, too. 

This means that they are here every time the boys do something that is considered “wrong” or “bad.”  Just now, Big J got bitched at for “not having an answer…” because he had left a sheet in the laundry room and forgotten to take it upstairs.  “Why was it still in there?” my mother asked.  “Uhhhhhh.”  Yes, it’s annoying that he always says “uh” to most questions.  Then she says, “You don’t have an answer to anything, do you?  I am amazed that you get away with that.”  Then stalked off, stomping her feet like a two-year-old.

This kind of shit makes my blood boil.  Does her comment mean that I should stand over him (or under him, as he is taller than I am), yelling until he gives her an answer that she’s happy with?  Or maybe I should smack him a few times, you know, keep him in line?  Jesus Christ, he forgot about the goddamned sheet being in there!  I feel as if the only way that they’d be happy is if I followed right behind both of the boys and anticipated their every move, being right there if they were going to do something bone-headed.  Or maybe if I dealt out some old testament type punishments or something.  Even then, they’d probably bitch.

Listen, I know I’m not the best mother in the world, BUT I am a damn good one.  My kids aren’t perfect.  They are assholes sometimes, but they know I love them, and they aren’t afraid of me the way I was always afraid of my mother.  I’m doing the best I can, goddammit, and this type of shit makes me feel like less and less of a person.  I wish I had never moved here, with them.  I worry about how these past two years (and however long we’re here for) will change my boys.  I wonder how things would have been different if I had stayed in Georgia or moved here, but had the balls to do everything on my own. 

So here I am, on a Saturday afternoon, ranting and raving because of one little thing my mother said.  I want to just grab the boys and run out the door, but there’s nowhere to go.  I hate this.  I hate this.  I hate this.

13 Responses to “In Need of Escape”

  1. 1 Becky May 30, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    I’m sorry, Ging. I know how it goes.

  2. 2 Ms. Moon May 30, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    It is so wrong for anyone to tell a mother how to mother her children unless that mother is making some HUGE errors in judgement. That’s my opinion. I surely wish you could say that to your parents because that is just cruel and it puts you in a very, very difficult place with no fair way to turn.

  3. 3 The Dish May 30, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    Ginger, I hate to hear this. It truly does sound like your back is against a wall. When are you done with school? Hopefully, the time flies. Hugs from IL. Hope things get better!

  4. 4 Gillian May 30, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    Sounds like you are being really selfish to me. I imagine you are not paying rent? If all you have to deal with are some snarky comments every now and again, you should consider yourself lucky. Don’t they watch your kids while you go out with your fireman? Stop being whiny, count your blessings and deal with the world like an adult. Stop looking for people to save you all the time. This also seems like it might be a thinly veiled attempt to get your fireman to let you move in? God, you’re an idiot. Consider yourself removed from my blog reader, I just can’t take this crap anymore.

  5. 5 eviltwinswife May 30, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    I cannot imagine ever moving back in with my parents after I had already been out. I know you are doing what is best for you and the boys. By trying to get your education in order, you can find a decent job to support them better, but for now, you’ll have to take the help your mom is giving (and the occasional snide comment, too). But, I hope the time you have before you graduate goes very, very quickly! 🙂

  6. 6 gingermagnolia May 30, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    Becky – I know you, of all people, do.

    Ms. Moon – It’s not always bad, but today it was.

    The Dish – It’ll be another year to a year and a half, thanks for the hugs.

    Gillian – I don’t know who you are or where you came from, but rest assured I don’t give a fuck if you take me off your reader. So sorry I offended you by venting on my own blog. Also, those who know me and have been reading for a while probably know that I wouln’t move in with anyone before I graduate. I’m pretty sure I’ve made that clear.

    ETW – That’s the idea. 😉

  7. 7 Ron May 30, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    Life can be a difficult thing and to find yourself as an adult with children back under your parents roof I can only imagine is a situation that could at the best of times be difficult. I can understand how it can drive you crazy, but what can you do? I hope you get through your classes and take advantage of that education to start your life over on your terms. What you are doing is difficult, brave and responsible.

    I also think, as this is your blog, that if you choose to vent about things that are driving you crazy that it’s totally your right. I’m fairly certain that you totally understand and are thankful for what your parents are doing for you, but that doesn’t change how they can piss a person off. As I haven’t met you or your parents it would seem difficult to understand the family dynamic and start criticizing you for needing a place to vent.

  8. 8 Breigh May 31, 2009 at 2:31 am

    I am fortunately one of the lucky ones. My mother is like a saint, and it’s like she lives for the sole purpose to make everyone around her happy. It’s bizarre really, sometimes I wonder if she is even human.

    My dad can sometimes make hurtful comments without thinking though, and I know he always means well but usually he’s not telling me anything I don’t already know anyway.

    Sorry to hear things are rough for you. You are doing the best you can for your children and you need all the support you can get.

  9. 9 jessiee1112 May 31, 2009 at 9:34 am

    Ginger — You go girl @ your response to Gillian. LOL

  10. 10 lola June 1, 2009 at 10:51 am

    My brother, his wife and their three kids had to move back in with our mother, and believe me, I see both sides way more closely than I want to. It’s hard on everyone, including the kids.

    Just know that you’re doing what you have to do right now and that there is a great reason: You’re getting your education so you can do it without your parents’ help in the not too distant future. I mean, you’ve been blogging for a year, right? It will go by quicker than you think 😉

    Oh, and I guess you found out who one lurker is!!! You just never know when they’ll reveal themselves and tell you off. Too funny. Bye-bye, Gillian…

  11. 11 gingermagnolia June 1, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    Ron – Exactly. Just because I’m blowing off steam here doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the things my parents do for us.

    Breigh – Thanks for the kind words. I know that if we weren’t all living under the same roof, our relationships would be much different.

    Lola – The ONLY reason I moved in here was so that I could go back and finish my degree…so that I can do it on my own. Without my parents, without a man, which I feel I have made clear here before. What an asshole Gillian was, huh?

  12. 12 gingermagnolia June 1, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    Oh! And Jessie – Thanks! Didn’t mean to skip you.

  13. 13 teeni June 11, 2009 at 12:20 pm

    Yikes. I hate when moms do this to thier kids. I know that even at my age, my mom can still have this affect on me too so don’t feel bad – it isn’t just you. I think moms really need to consider how they affect their kids when they speak to them like this. I don’t think in most cases anyway, that they seriously want to caused lasting pain but I guess they are only human too and do and say stupid things like the rest of us. Hang in there – better days are coming. 🙂

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