Archive for February, 2009



Trying To Find Balance

It takes patience to achieve balance in your life, sometimes, so if you are feeling a little bit out of whack today, breathe through it. Things are going just fine. Sure, certain details aren’t making you smile, but if you step back and look at your life as a whole, things are pretty awesome. Late in the day, you will get some very interesting news that will distract you from whatever unpleasantness have been on your mind. A celebration might be in order.

That’s my horoscope for today.  It’s pretty accurate.  I hope this post makes at least some sense, as I have had very little sleep over the entire week.  Today has been an odd day, to say the least.  Actually, last night AND today were very odd, though yesterday didn’t start out that way.  I went to class, came home, tried and failed to take a nap, and chatted online with a) a friend from school that I recently found through the wonder of Facebook who I haven’t seen since sophomore year, b) my Wonder Twin, of course, and c) his roomie, who is a new IM buddy and is a trip. 

I got an invitation to go to dinner with the Fireman, and I figured why not?  We went to dinner late, after the boys were in bed, and it was fun.  I feel comfortable with him.  We sat there talking until we realized there was no one else in the restaurant and the chairs around us were on top of the tables.  There was kissing, but that is as far as it went.  We talked a lot about different things, and I can tell that he really likes me.  He’s a very nice guy, and I like him a lot.  I started to feel guilty.  Not just for WT, but because I don’t want to hurt the Fireman, either.  That’s not fair to either person, right?  I have no idea what to do. 

I know where I want to be, and it’s not really a possibility right now.  GODDAMN FUCKING TIMING.  So now what?  I know WT isn’t going anywhere, and I’m not going to walk away, but I’m not sure I have any wild oats to sow.  I’m not sure if I can be the type of woman who can “date” more than one man at a time. 

WT and I had another long discussion today, because I felt so strange last night.  He admitted that it did affect him that I had gone out with someone else (he read the blog even though he was WARNED!).  He has a lot of things to sort out, and I know he’s trying to.  He has my heart completely, and he knows that.

Oh yeah, and The Crazy One popped up again today.  Talk about weird.  He sent me a text saying that he was all fucked up, he was going to go to therapy, his boss was helping him pay for it.  I asked him what happened.  I guess he did end up going out with the 19-year-old after all.  Match made in heaven, right?  People have been telling him that she’s doing this and that and he can’t take it.  On Valentine’s day night, she went out clubbing instead of doing something with him.  No shit.  Really?  A teenager acting like a teenager?!  NO WAY!  He asked me what he should do.  I told him that I had already told him it was a mistake, but if he cared about her, talk to her about it.  He apologized for what he did back whenever it was that he sent me that nasty message.  He was very upset, and I know how to talk to him, so I did for a little bit.  I told him that if he does go to therapy, he needs to be completely honest about everything, not just about this incident with this girl.  I also told him to ask them about borderline personality disorder.  I’m pretty sure that’s what’s wrong with him, and it is often misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder.  I really want him to get help that is appropriate. 

So THAT was my Thursday, not including the peer mentor group and drinks with my mom.  I am so fucking tired right now, but I had to get all of that out first.  Deep breath, exhale.  Is it Tuesday yet?

What A Day

~Beep, beep, beep this is a warning~ Beep beep, beep, this is a warning~  Wonder Twin, this may contain information you don’t want to know.  Proceed at your own risk.  Everyone else, please proceed.

Okay, just to start off, yesterday was a whirlwind kind of day.  Literally, there was wind whirling all over the damn place!  Hardy, har, har, I know.  I haven’t slept near enough lately, so I am punch drunk and silly.

Yesterday was the lunch “date” with the Fireman.  After he saw me last week (was it really only a week ago?  Seems longer for some reason.), we had exchanged numbers and he told me to let him know if I ever wanted to get together.  So once WT had given me the green light, I texted asking if Fireman wanted to do lunch one day this week.

We decided to meet at a pub-type place near campus after my class yesterday.  We arrived at the same time, and actually I wasn’t nervous at all.  I’ve “known” him for a long time, we just hadn’t met in person before.  Luckily, he wasn’t short and hadn’t misrepresented his appearance online.  (You know know what I mean, I know you do!)  He is boyishly handsome, which seems to be my new “type.”  We sat down and ordered, and found plenty to talk about.  I was actually rather chatty, which isn’t like me with “new” people.  We got into pretty deep discussions regarding past relationships, but also managed to laugh a lot.

I know you want the details on this one, so here goes.  He has never been married, but he has a 5-year-old son and was with the mother for 6 years.  They split about the same time Douche and I did, I think.  He has his son much of the time, and hearing him talk about him was completely endearing.  I remembered this from last year when we chatted a lot.  You know he’s a fireman, and he loves his job.  He is a homeowner.  He has a bachelor’s degree in history, and wanted to be a college professor before his son was born.

We got up to leave, and realized we had been there for two hours.  I guess I have long lunch dates, huh?   I told him that I was really glad that I had texted him, and that we had finally met in person.  He said he was, too, and we went to hug goodbye.  That turned into a kiss, which turned into more kissing.  What?  I like kissing.  It’s one of my favorite hobbies.  Anyhow, the whole time we were kissing, the song “Fireman” by George Strait was playing in my head.  I’ll add it to the bottom of the page, so you can hear it if you’re unfamiliar.  It made me giggle.  We said goodbye, as he had to pick his son up from school, and I went home to get some rest.  By the way, in a double blind study, it was found that Ginger is an amazing kisser.  In case you ever wondered, it’s true, I gots da skillz.

I genuinely had a great time at lunch, and there is a lot of chemistry there.  I was also pleasantly surprised that I didn’t feel guilty at all.  I guess maybe I will be able to do the whole “playing the field” thing.  If nothing else, it’ll keep the pressure off of everyone, I hope.  I guess as long as everyone knows the score, it’s all good, right?  Fireman asked if he could see me again, and I said yes.  He asked me where the hell I came from, and said he had a really great time, and again said something about my amazing kissing abilities.  🙂

I ended up going home and calling Honey, since we haven’t talked in a while.  I caught her up on everything, and we ended up talking for about an hour and a half, by the end of which I was completely exhausted.  I didn’t sleep well Monday night at all, and got maybe a total of four hours in.  The boys were home already, so I told them I was going to take a nap, and to get me if they needed anything.  I slept about 2 and a half hours and slept like a rock.

Just Checking In

Just wanted to pop in and let y’all know all is well in Ginger-land.  I have had a great day so far, am feeling super, and will see the Wonder Twin later tonight, but I didn’t sleep well and need a nap, so I won’t have time for an involved post, and I probably won’t visit your pages today, but I’ll catch up with y’all tomorrow.  See ya on the flip side, babies!

Weirdness

I am crying and I have no idea why.  Not a clue.  I have been fighting back tears for the past hour or so, and as soon as the boys were in bed, they came spilling out.  I wish I knew why I was feeling this way, just a general melancholy I guess is how I would describe it.  It’s so strange and NOT WELCOME.  I’m gonna watch go watch Superbad and laugh.  Maybe that will work.

Ginger Is In Demand

Not much has been going on.  I was so completely bored yesterday once I got my school work caught up, I kept looking through to see if anyone had updated their blogs, facebook, myspace, Bueller, Bueller.  NOTHING was going on!  GRRR.  Boredom = no fun a ‘tall.

Another little tidbit which I have noticed in the last month or so is that I only have a few commenters anymore.  How come?  I still have the same number of hits for each new post, just not as many comments as there used to be.  Methinks people only comment when people are unhappy?  Not sure, but I am starting to get a complex, people!  I know that I don’t comment unless I have something to add, but DANG, really?  Am I that boring?  In other news, thank you to those who do care enough to speak up.  You are my BFF’s and I shall cherish you always!  😛

I had to write a reflective paper yesterday for one of my teaching classes, involving asking three people a)what they thought were the most important qualities a good teacher possesses and b)do they believe I will make a good teacher and why or why not.  I asked the Wonder Twin, Bekki, and Nova for their input.  I actually had to ride Nova’s ass a bit to get an answer, since he is a brother in procrastination.   The responses I got back were positive, and they gave me a nice confidence boost. 

I wrote and wrote on that reflection, and was surprised to find that it was five pages long by the time I was finished.  How in the world is it that I can easily write a five page long reflection, but a structured paper is difficult.  GRRRR. 

In my boredom yesterday evening, I began chatting with the one student who always pops up when I’m online.  (He actually just popped up as I was writing this, too.)  He needed help with one of his reflections, and I was trying to coach him through it.  Afterwards, he asked me about how V-Day went and everything.  We started talking about dating and how I have no idea what I’m doing.  I’m great at relationships, but not so much at playing the field.  This boy then admitted to having a crush on me, and that one of the other students had already figured it out.  Truth is, I had, too, but was doing everything I could to discourage it.    He said he’d like to date me, but I told him that wasn’t allowed (I would have damn sure said yes if it had been the Tom Brady look-alike) and gave the excuse of ethics.  The truth is that there is no attraction there on my part. 

I’m going to lunch tomorrow with the Fireman.  Not really sure how I feel about that.  I don’t want to be the person who is with one person but thinking about someone else, if that makes sense.  Hopefully it will be fun, and I have decided that I will write about it.  I can’t give that up.  I suppose I’ll just tell Wonder Twin not to read if he doesn’t want to know details.  Not sure if it would bother him or not, but I know it would bother me to know things like that about him, ya dig?

I felt really weird yesterday morning, and I couldn’t figure out why.  I don’t know if I’m anxious about lunch tomorrow, if I just really miss WT (I do, very much so), or if our discussion the other day put me off balance.  Probably a little bit of everything.  I felt better by the afternoon, so I figure it was nothing. 

PS – If you’re a lurker, please de-lurk just this once and say hi.  I am always looking for new blog buddies, plus you’d make me smile!

Learning to Love Myself

I swiped this from Evil Twin’s Wife, who swiped it from Karen at Smiling Through It All.  I actually saw it on Karen’s page first, but I figured I oughtta mention them both.  It seemed like a good idea to repost it here.  Yes, I had a fun Valentine’s Day lunch with my Wonder Twin.  Not having seen each other for almost two weeks, however, left us both feeling a bit frustrated that we couldn’t *ahem* act on some of our urges, I guess you could say.  Fret not, we’re on track to have Wonder Twin Tuesday in a few days.  (I think I have the feminine equivilent of blue balls, though.)  Here’s the deal:

vday-girl

The general gist of it is:
1.) Post something that you love about yourself.

2.) Beg your readers to post one thing that they love about you.

3.) Enjoy yourself and spread the love by doing sharing this on your blog.

 

The thing I love most about myself is my depth to love others.  It’s something that I used to see as a weakness, but have embraced it more and more the older I’ve gotten.  Sure, it gets me hurt sometimes, but I always bounce back, and I always have more to give.  I like that about me.

Your turn, sprinkle me with love, kiddos!

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I’m Not Sure How To Say This

It never bodes well when someone says something to the effect of, “We’ve got to talk,” or, “I’m not sure how to say this, but…”  It always means that something heavy is coming, and you’re left wondering if you’re strong enough to carry the burden.  Luckily, I’m a pretty tough cookie, and the lifting wasn’t so heavy.

I was getting ready for bed, wondering why I hadn’t heard from my Wonder Twin for a few hours, when he popped up on IM and wrote the cringe-worthy, “I’m not sure how to say this…”  My stomach dropped.  Oh God, are you kidding me?  You’re running away, aren’t you?  Why does this always happen?  Those are just a few of the things that ran through my mind in the 5 or so seconds after the message came through. 

It seems that since we had our last long conversation (which was about our feelings for each other), he’s been confused and feeling a little pressured by what those feelings mean.  He was worried that it meant we had to define everything…as in boyfriend/girlfriend.  I told him that while I didn’t think we had a traditional bf/gf relationship, I did think of him as my boyfriend.  I mean, I’m not seeing anyone else, but I’m also not planning my future with him.  There are times when I think, “I would really love him to stick around forever,” because he is just that much fun.  I’ll admit I’ve had a daydream or two about being domestic with his jucy ass.  Every time that happens, though, I remind myself that today is what is important.  Right now.  I guess he’d had some of the same kinds of moments and it was scary for him, confirmed bachelor that he is.

I admitted to him that when my friend asked me out (the one who saw me at Starbucks), I felt like maybe it was a mistake to say no.  My justification for it at the time was that I felt it would be disloyal.  Maybe I’m afraid that no one else could measure up to him?  Maybe I’m just a big scaredy cat in general?  Who knows. 

I feel like for the first time in my life, especially since my divorce, that I’m right where I am supposed to be, right now, on my own.  I am the most confident I’ve ever been, I have the friends I want (not the ones that have been approved by someone else), and I know exactly who I am.  I like the fact that I don’t have to answer to anyone, that no one is always checking up on me and vice versa. 

I think maybe I will go out with that fireman.  As Honey always says, “At least you’ll get a free meal!”  I can’t promise that I won’t feel guilty about it, though maybe I won’t.  I’m not sure how much I will write about it here, though, as WT does read occasionally.  We made a deal not to give each other details on such things.  I know that it would hurt me, and I don’t want that in my head. 

We’re still going to see each other tomorrow (or today, rather…it’s 2 am), and really the only thing that’s changed is that I have the green light to see other men if I want to.  I’m still excited to see him after almost two weeks, and I’m looking forward to the laughs we’re going to have.


Cast of Characters

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