Archive for December, 2008



All By Myself

I’m still not sure what yesterday’s dream was all about, but I had another weird one last night. For some reason, Honeywine and I were in a waiting room at a hospital. There were 5 men there with us, and one was holding a newborn. The newborn wouldn’t stop crying, so Honey offered to hold it. As soon as she had the baby in her arms, it stopped crying.

Somehow the talk in the room turned to dating, and Honeywine said that the reason there was no one for us to date was because guys our age (and older) were dating young girls. This tickled the men, and they admitted that it was true. AND SCENE.

Seriously, I don’t know what it up with all these vivid dreams. Usually I don’t remember them, but over the past month or so, I have had more and more memorable ones. It’s a mystery for Scooby Doo, I suppose.

Today was the boys’ last day of school before Christmas break. I had hoped to see Lord Swank one day this week, but alas, no dice. Apparently, the universe is seeing fit to test my patience at every turn. We’ve been in touch, but I haven’t seen him in about a week and a half. Tres sucky, but I’m keeping a positive attitude about it.

Yesterday, I finished up my shopping for the boys, mostly just the things that will go in their stockings, and a few things for under the tree. I also bought a dvd of Love Actually, which is one of the very best movies ever! On the way home, I called my sister, E, to see if she wanted to get together for lunch either yesterday or today, since I haven’t seen her for a few weeks. I left her a message, but she didn’t get it in time to go. Hmph. So, I came on home and put on Love Actually and wrapped up the presents that would go under the tree. Once that movie was over, I put on Step Brothers. I’d borrowed it from the library a few days ago and hadn’t started it yet, so I turned off the lights and lay down on the couch, all bundled up in my warm, cozy blanket, and started the movie. It was really funny, but I fell asleep pretty quick, and proceeded to have the crazy dream I wrote about yesterday.

I finished the movie last night. It was hilarious! I love Will Farrell so. I also spent most of the evening finding and downloading music. I got some Otis Redding, Adele, Duffy, Leona Lewis, Beyonce, One Republic, and Secondhand Serenade. Nova’s also been sending me some good music like North Mississippi All Stars and Cake. I am loving the Cake so much. It’s the kind of music you want to dance to, and I have been. In my room when getting dressed, in the car when driving. Fun. Yeah, I need to get out more, I know this.

I actually took myself out to the movies today. Just the thought of staying in the house all day alone today was too much. I looked to see what movies were showing, and which ones would be over by the time Little J got home, and decided to go see Role Models. It was okay, not great. I was the only one in the theater. How’s that when you’re feeling lonely? Not great, but hey, I got out and did something! YAY!

I’m hoping that after the first of January, I’ll be able to wrangle some of my girlfriends together for a girl’s night out. I haven’t actually been “out on the town” since my first date with Lord Swank. That’s too damn long, in my opinion. I’m trying to talk them into going to Rum Runners, which is a piano bar. Last fall, E and I were there every few weeks, and always had a blast. Basically, the piano players take requests for popular songs, and if you add a little tip to your request, they’re more likely to play it for you. They know us as “The Texas Girls” and the main player always comes over and talks with us. He looks like Rob Schnieder. I think my girls would have a lot of fun there. I like going out, I miss it.

I’m trying to think of some things to do with the boys while they’re out of school the next couple of weeks. Last year, Douche came to visit them, so they were excited about that. I’ve been trying to get them to watch Christmas movies with me, which is kind of our tradition, but they aren’t interested. This year, they’re just kind of “blah.” I think either this weekend or early next week, I’ll take them roller skating. We did that a lot last winter. It’s cheap and it’s warm inside and they get worn out! Other than that, we’ll proabably take the little saucer sled across the street to the school and play. I’m almost broke, so any other ideas for having fun with little or no money involved would be much appreciated!

By the way, do you like the new layout? I was getting tired of the same old, same old. I need to find someone who can help me make a custom one. That would be super groovy.

Pedicures and a Baldwin Brother

I have been having lots of weird dreams lately, but this one takes the cake. I took a nap today, and this is what was going on in my head as I slept:

First of all, my sister invited me to get a pedicure with “her gal,” at some fancy salon. I agreed, and the next day we were walking to the salon and my Ed. Psych. professor was riding a horse (?) next to us. We got to the salon, and the Professor disappeared. We went in and sat down, and the lady started working on E while I sat there, bored.

By the time she was done with E, somehow now we were in the lady’s apartment, with her husband and son, and they were all speaking Spanish. I couldn’t understand enough to know what was going on, but she was cooking dinner and it was obvious that I was supposed to wait until they were done eating. I talked a little bit to the boy, who was about 7-ish, and very sweet. I remember him asking his mother if I was nice, and she said yes. I waited and waited, and finally the lady told me to go back to the salon, that she would be there shortly. At some point during all this, E disappeared.

As I’m walking back, suddenly there are some of the girls from my study group walking with me. We’re in a good mood, all goofing off and being really silly as only girls can. There are a lot of other people around, just doing their own thing, and suddenly up ahead we see a man weilding a gun, and two cops in a stand-off with him. As we are trying to decide what to do, a second man to our right pulls out another gun and shoots it in the air. He tells everyone to get down so that their “stupid asses don’t get shot by that maniac!” So, we comply, everyone hits the deck. But, for some reason, the girl to my left keeps lifting up her head to look around until I get annoyed with her and smack it.

Then, as only can happen in dreams, I’m instantly there in the fancy salon, where there are about 5 ladies in uniforms, but only a few other customers, all of whom are famous people. One is Brett Michaels, only he doesn’t look bald and isn’t wearing makeup. One was Stephen Baldwin (thanks for talking about Bio-Dome the other day, Nova!), except he looked like Billy Baldwin, so he was hot and not at all crazy like Stephen. The third one, I can’t remember for some reason, so he must’ve been inconsequential. All of us are waiting for this one lady, and we are just hanging out, shootin’ the shit, waiting.

We’re having a good time, and apparently the shooting incident didn’t cramp my style too much, because the next time we look up, it’s dark and the mysterious pedicure lady is nowhere to be seen. We decide that I should go ask what the fuck is going on, so I do. I’m told that the lady will be there “any minute.” We decide to wait some more. Now, it’s about 10 pm, and still no lady. I’ve been waiting for this stupid freakin’ lady all damn day! We yell at the other employees and tell them exactly what we think of their establishment, before laughing and heading out the door.

Brett Michaels and the Mystery Man split quick, just yelling out their goodbyes. The Baldwin boy, however, offers to walk me to my car. After all, it IS dark, and I’ve had to park three blocks up the road, and we aren’t in the best part of town. So, he walks very close to me, puts his arm protectively around my shoulders, and I make sure that I have my biggest key poking out from in between my first and second fingers of my left (strong) hand. (Note to self: remember to buy pepper spray.)

As we are walking in the dark, we see a man on a bicycle coming up behind us. “Just keep walking,” says the Baldwin boy, and I do. The bicycle man gets right next to me, and begins to pace himself to stay there. SO CREEPY. We keep walking, though, and he rides away after a moment.

Up ahead, we see two men getting into an argument, and start punching each other. I see my car, but I can’t get to it without having to walk right by these men. I freeze. What do I do?

Jump to: Paris, France. I am investigating a mysterious attempt on my life. Someone had been reading my blog, and doesn’t like me (well, I never!), and decided that killing me would be the best solution. There is some type of blogging convention going on (hey conversation with Becky, good of you to drop in!) and all of the most powerful bloggers would be in attendance. Surely my nemesis was there!

I am at a huge hotel, and from the window I can see the Eiffel Tower. It is absolutely beautiful, but I have no time for such things. I have to find my potential killer! As I make my way stealthily through the corridors, I find the conference room where the Super Bloggers are. Well, whaddaya know? My Ed. Psych. professor is in charge of the conference. He knows all of the bloggers and their secret identities. Oh, happy day! A friend!

I go into the room, knowing that none of these Super Bloggers knows who I am in real life (except for Becky, but I know she’s not my killer), and tell the Professor that someone is trying to kill me. Who? He wants to know. I’m not sure, but I have a plan to flush him/her out. This part is muddled, and I’m don’t remember exactly what my master plan was, but it worked and it turned out that the killer was Dooce. I find this amusing because I have never even read Dooce’s blog. I have just read other people’s complaints about her. It ended with a dual. Not with swords, but with empty baby strollers (wtf?), and I reigned supreme. Bitch went down, another safe day for Ginger Magnolia!

Another flash and I’m now in the car with the Baldwin boy, telling him all about it. We’re driving on the highway in Houston, headed to my dad’s house, and the boy is so turned on by my story that we have sex. In the car. While I’m driving. Yeah…not sure how that would work, but hey, it’s dreamland!

The dogs are now barking and I wake up, and the first thing I think is, “I have GOT to write this down, it is just TOO weird not to.” So, there you have it. Anyone care to analyze?

Ramblings

I:

Am strong
Am smart
Am damaged
Am patient
Am a good friend
Am a good partner
Wear my heart on my sleeve
Try to protect myself, yet fall short
Want to be myself
Want to be loved
Want a good friend
Want a good partner
Know what I want

This is about me.
Knowing I won’t have to wait forever.

Freedom’s Just Another Word

The last couple of weeks I’ve been…melancholy is the word, I think. The last day or two, I’ve felt much different. I’ve felt silly, playful, and smiley. Especially after talking to my dad last night. I’m planning on writing yesterday’s post down in a card and sending it to him, because he needs to know those things.

I just have to say that I am so thankful for my buddy, Nova. He was one of my teachers waaaay back in high school, and we re-connected last year through the wonder that is MySpace. We never run out of things to talk about, and we have been through some of the same things personally. We are such a support system for each other, and it totally rocks.

I couldn’t sleep last night, and I figured, “hey, no worry, I have no classes tomorrow, I can sleep all day!” So, I chatted on IM with Honeywine and Nova, I finished the first novel I picked out at the library, I looked at my monthly horoscope (hmmm, so that’s why I’ve been so emotional…), and listened to new music that Nova had sent me. At about 1 a.m., I remembered that I had a meeting this morning for the peer mentorship that I accepted. Oy.

I HAVE to go to bed NOW! So, I turned off the lights, and closed my eyes, and was very still. It took forever to fall asleep. My mind would not stop. To say that I’ve had a lot on my mind is an understatement.

But, when I woke up this morning, I was in a chipper mood. I cranked up my laptop, playing Cake’s “Love You Madly” and danced around in my bathroom whilst putting on my make-up. Today was going to be a good day!

I went to the meeting and gave my two cents about things that should be changed in the class. I was confident that what I said would make a difference, and that felt wonderful. Afterwards, we all went to a pub-type restaurant near campus for lunch, including the professor. AWKWARD. No, it really wasn’t. Everyone who was legal had a drink, and it was very relaxed, although the professor did sit next to me and we discussed psychology a bit. We came to the conclusion that everyone should read this, especially if they are a parent. It was nice to get out, nice to be among people who I had something in common with, and VERY nice not to be at home alone. I even braved the mall after I left lunch!

My most pressing concern of late is the fact that while I have a group of very good friends here in my new hometown, I don’t get to see them as often as I’d like, and they are all tied to my former job. I need to make more friends that I can spend time with. My chances for human interaction outside of my family are slim, and it’s definitely starting to get to me.

When I was younger, I was so painfully shy that it was hard for me to make new friends. People always liked me once they got to know me, but they had to be the one to initiate conversation. This is something that I have slowly overcome as I’ve gotten older, and by leaps and bounds since my divorce. I still get shy sometimes, and I’m usually quiet at first, but I take the initiative a lot more now. I tell people how I feel about them, and I don’t care if they think I’m silly for it. Hell, I AM silly. It’s one of my best qualities!

So, I guess my New Year’s resolution (probably my first ever) is that I will make a real effort to forge more friendships (in real life…I LOVE you guys!), especially with other students. Being a mentor will certainly help me, as I will be partnered with another teaching student. I’m hoping against hope that my study buddy, Mike and I will be partnered up. He knows his stuff and is full of The Silly, too. Plus, he isn’t 20 years old, like the rest of our group was.

I never had a time in my “adult” life where I could just do what I wanted. I’ve always been accountable to someone else. Some days, I think that it’s a good thing, because who knows what kind of trouble I would have gotten into? Other days, like yesterday, I am so jealous of those people who didn’t have children young, who had time to figure out who they were on their own terms. I’m a mom. I’ve been a mom since I was 15 (and yes, I was the mom, not my mother). While I know WHO I am now, and like myself very much, I still wonder what it would be like to be free. To be able to go out whenever I want, to do whatever I want. To not come home unless I want to. I guess that’s what I’ve been feeling most of all the past few weeks. Jealous. Jealous of others’ freedom. Stupid, huh?

Letter To My Father

I don’t think you will ever know just how much you comfort me. With your words, with your hugs, with your smile. How much I missed you when I was away, and how happy I always am to see your face.

Did you know I used to pretend that I had a bad dream so that I could spend a little time with you, without everyone else around? I remember how you never got mad, just picked me up and rocked me to sleep. How you’d carry me to my bed, pull the covers up around me and kiss me on my forehead.

I love it that I can tell you anything and you don’t judge. You don’t try to fix me or tell me what to do (except for the school thing…I’ll give you a pass on that one). You are such a kind man, and I am glad that I learned to be kind from you.

I love it that you stand up for me, even to the woman you are married to. That you cried for me when I was in so much pain, I had no more tears left. I love it that you still call me Sunshine, and that I am the one who inherited your smile. You showed me that it was okay to be silly, even when Mom didn’t think it was funny. You taught me how to shoot a gun, and shoot it well. You always told me I could do anything I wanted to, be anything I wanted to.

I hope I make you proud, Daddy. I think I do. I sure do miss you. Talking to you made me feel so happy, so calm. I need to call you more often. I love you, Dad.

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~Warning~ This Post Contains Pictures!

A few days ago, I got tagged by the sweetest blogger of all, Teeni. The idea was that you are supposed to post up the 6th photo on the 6th page of your computer’s picture files, and also on whatever photo-sharing website you use. Since my laptop is fairly new, I don’t have very many pictures stored in it yet. I decided that I would switch it up a bit, and post 6 pictures tof things that make me smile, so that’s what I’m doin’.

snow

I love this one for the look of sheer joy on Little J’s face. It was his first time playing in the snow, and he was super excited.

baseball

I always love to watch Big J play baseball. He’s so naturally good at it, he makes it look easy.

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Miss Honeywine always makes me smile, and I love visiting with her. This is from last summer.

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This is my OTHER favorite girlie, the infamous Bekki. She has such a sick sense of humor, I love it!

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Red wine. Makes. Me. Smile. A. Lot. Mmmmkay?

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This one combines two things I love, vintage cars and vintage pin ups. I like a lot of vintage things, come to think of it.

So there ya have it, folks. A picture post that took WAAAAY too much time to make. Here I was thinking it would be quick. Darn you, new WordPress photo-thingy! Sorry the pictures are different sizes, I’m not sure what that’s all about. If any of you want to do this – TAG, you’re it! I’d love to see your pics. If not, meh, I’ll still love you anyway.

Interview With An Englishwoman…and a Question For You

I have been “interviewed” by the lovely Miss Penelope, the deal is, she got to ask me whatever kind questions she wants to, and I have to answer them.

1. If you could “do it all again” would you do it just the same?
That’s a HARD question! I would still have had my boys, but I definitely wouldn’t have stayed married to Douche as long as I did, and I would have been more dilligent about getting my degree.

2. As a Mother of sons, do you think “boys are best”?
I don’t necessarily think that boys are best, but I do think that I am better equipped to handle boys than girls.

3. What do you hope to write a blog post about this time next year?
The thing I would MOST like to write a blog post about this time next year is how happy I am.

4. What is your perfect date night with Lord Swank?
Right now, any night with Lord Swank would be pefect. Can you tell I miss him? I think our first date was pretty perfect, though.

5. You know I love Texas! Where would you take me *when* I next get over there and turn up on your doorstep?!
I would definitely take you over to my friends, Jim and Cecilia’s house to drink and swim, and to eat yummy Mexican food at the best hole-in-the-wall joint around for margaritas!

Link back to the original post – in my case that was this.

Put the rest of the rules in your post:

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

————————————————————————————————–

Okay, so here’s my question for you all. What do you do when you know that someone is having a hard time dealing with something, but they don’t want to let you help? How do you stand aside and watch someone you care about hurting and not do anything? When you’ve tried to give support, but have been pushed away? If you could tell me, I’d really appreciate it, because right now I feel like banging my head against a wall out of frustration. Damn, the holidays are pulling everyone down this year.


Cast of Characters

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