Archive for December, 2008



‘Tis The Day Before Christmas

And I have done nothing today. I’m still wearing pajamas at 1:30 in the afternoon. This is highly unusal for me, as I usually get dressed as soon as I wake up, before I even come out of my room. The boys are still in their jammies, as well.

The past few days, they haven’t been able to go outside and play because it’s been so bitterly cold, and now today it’s warmer, but raining, so no playing outdoors today, either. I always let them open one present on Christmas Eve, and since there’s not much to do, I went ahead and let them pick one to open. Little J opened his little digital camera and has been shooting away. Big J opened up a new mp3 player and is downloading his music right now. I’m catching up on your blogs, and pretty much trying to distract myself.

When E was here yesterday, I told her I really wanted to attend a church service tonight. We were always very active in our (Methodist) church growing up, and my favorite service all year was the candlelight one on Christmas Eve. She said that she and her husband might go to midnight mass, so I may tag along with them. I’m longing for the peace that you seem to find best in a sanctuary.

I didn’t get much sleep last night, and when I did there were bad dreams. I kept waking up and being totally awake, mind racing. I’m so tired. Tired of being sad, tired of being lonely, and most of all tired of being good to people who aren’t good back.

Down with 2008! Here’s wishing for a much better year to come for us all, with fingers crossed and hope in our hearts.

Hurt

What do you do when someone has hurt you very bad, and you’re not sure they even realize it? There is someone I’ve known, not for very long, but someone I like a whole lot. This person gave me hope not too long ago, more hope than I’d had in a while, and then all of a sudden, kind of disappeared.

While I can understand their reasoning, at least in part, the distance is growing such that I fear that it will be impossible to bridge if and when this person decides that they are ready. I haven’t pushed the issue because I feel it would be a mistake, that I would most certainly lose out on something that could be wonderful.

There are mixed signals that I’m unable to decipher, and I am left feeling hurt, disappointed, and sad. Do I cut the cord completely? Risk possibly making a stupid mistake because I’m hurt right now? Or do I just sit tight and hope that things work out? I don’t have a clue. Not knowing how the other person is feeling about it doesn’t help. I normally have tons of patience, but it’s starting to wear thin.

What do you do when your head is telling you to let it go, you deserve more than what you’re getting right now, and your heart is telling you to wait it out, good things will come if you just wait a little bit longer?

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say. Right now all I want is Honeywine to be here to hug me and let me cry all over her because I am so confused. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to the idea of this person, or even if I should.

I’m growing tired of this game.

Totally Music Tuesday

I stayed up half the night listening to music on YouTube. It started off with a list of the best songs of the year from Rolling Stone magazine. One song led to another, and I found this one. Beautiful. Here’s to being free of the past.

Maybe Not So Blue Christmas

Today was a great day.

This afternoon, the boys and I went over to E’s house to visit for a while. We haven’t seen her since right after Thanksgiving, so it was really good to see her. The boys were kind of bored there, but they played with the cat and dog and fought with each other, so it all evened out (haha).

E had one of our favorite childhood movies on DVD, so we watched it, or at least parts of it. I don’t know if any of you will remember it, it was a Jim Henson movie called “The Christmas Toy.”

We were laughing about how silly it was. Here’s a clip from it, and it’s the part we were laughing the hardest at.

This movie is the reason I thought my dolls would come to life when I left the room! I never left them on the floor, or threw them around, or mistreated them because I thought they had feelings. Gee whiz.

E had an appointment this afternoon, so when she had to go, we came home for a bit and then Little J and I went back out to Wal-Mart to buy supplies for Christmas dinner.

My mother and step-father are going to his parents’ house on Christmas day. The boys and I went last year, and I had figured we would go again. The more I thought about it, though, the less I wanted to go. It’s a two and a half hour drive one way, and there’s nothing for the boys to do there. Last year they dragged all of the toys they could with them and they were still bored, and I fell asleep on the couch. I like my step-dad’s family, but honestly, I think it would be better for us to have our own time together, without everyone else around.

I bought a ham, some stuffing mix (oooh yeah, I’m going the easy route) potatoes for mashed taters, green beans and corn, and cherry and apple pie.

Then I came home and started baking cookies for Santa with the boys. We got one batch made and figured out that we have to get more butter before we make the second batch. This is one of our traditions. We always make sugar cookies and then decorate them with icing and SPRINKLES!

Could it be? Am I actually a little bit excited? I think I am! It’s been such a long time since I’ve been the one cooking the holiday meal. I used to do that all the time when I lived on a military base. I miss it. I miss entertaining other folks, being the one who invites everyone over for dinner. I loved being able to be family for those who didn’t have family nearby.

I asked E and her husband to come for dinner, and I’ll probably invite a few others. I don’t know if anyone will be joining us, but even if it’s just the three of us, that will be enough family for me.

Just because, I’m adding this video for your listening (or ignoring) pleasure. It’s Dolly Parton’s Hard Candy Christmas. I love this song, and when it came on the radio today, I couldn’t help but sing along and feel a little bit more resolute.

Just to Clarify

Am I aware of how far I’ve come in a short amount of time? Absolutely. Do I feel proud of myself for having the guts to file for divorce from Douche? Hells yeah! Do I know that I am a very strong person? Damn skippy! Do I know I’m on the right path? Certainly. Does it make me any less lonely? Fuck no.

The post I wrote last night is not, I repeat NOT a lament about how my life would just be perfect if x, y, or z happened.

I am well aware that life is not a fairy tale. Believe me. I was merely reflecting on where I am and where I’d like to be.

I don’t write to be funny or uplifting. I write because it helps me sort out my feelings, understand myself, and move forward. Do I know that yes, sometimes I sould like a whiney bitch? Yeah, I know. Last night I was down. Today, I haven’t been. That’s how it goes.

Looking Foward

These goddamned holidays are rough. Last year didn’t seem as hard as this, how is that? The past few weeks I have just been feeling so utterly…alone. Even with everyone around me, I’m just alone. Lonely.

It’s not as if I’m all doom and gloom. Trust me, what you read here is not up for public display in real life. But this is MY place, and usually y’all get all the bad things dumped on you, so I’m sorry for that. I’ve been getting out and doing things, and honestly, I can find something to be happy about and laugh about or at least admire every day. I have been wanting to take my camera out and take pictures, but even the pictures I took evoked my feelings.

icy

I talk with my closest friends every day, Honeywine, Nova, Bekki, and Melissa, and I usually text a bit with Lord Swank. Most nights, Nova and Honey and I will message each other for a couple of hours, usually giggling the whole time because they are some funny mofos. Then things get quiet, and I’m by myself.

I took the kids roller skating this afternoon, and let them each invite a friend. They had a lot of fun, and I read the latest Stephen King while they skated for 2 1/2 hours. All around me, there were couples, families, moms and dads and kids. There I was, sitting at a table alone, with coats and shoes all over.

I miss having a family. I know that the boys and I ARE a family, but I miss that mom, dad, kids deal. You know? It’s not Douche. I don’t miss him, and haven’t for a very long time. Rather, I miss having a partner. I miss having someone to just melt into when things aren’t good. I miss there being another grown up to talk to, to look at, to just be with. I miss being a part of that. Does that make sense?

I made a promise to myself when Douche and I split that no matter what happens, no matter who I meet or how I feel about them, I will not get married or move in with a man until I have graduated from college. The reason for this was to ensure that I can support myself and my children without having to rely on someone else. I don’t want to identify myself by another person, either, but on my own terms. It’s a good theory, I think, and is a built-in safeguard against rushing into things.

I can look into the future, and I can see so many good things in store. I know that I will be able to learn all I need to in school and put it to good use. I will be a great teacher. I see myself being in a partnership again. I know it will happen. I have confidence these things will come, but right now it’s fucking lonely as hell, and I have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Shit, don’t you just hate that?

Paging Dr. Freud

Just when I was thinking I had nothing to write about, the dreams keep a-comin’. Apparently, my mind isn’t being stimulated enough in my waking hours and feels the need to be extremely active when I’m unconsious. I also think my body is making up for all of the sleepless nights it’s had over the past four months. It seems like every time I start to read a book during the day, I fall asleep!

Last night’s dream was a doozy. I was living with my boys in an apartment, just the three of us, but the boys weren’t home. Douche showed up at my door with a bunch of luggage and boxes and said that he wanted to get back together, and be a family again. (uh wut) For some reason, I let him in and we talked, he told me that he missed the boys and hated being so far away from them, and could we just give it another shot? I’m not sure what had happened to his wife and daughters, but apparently they were non-existent in my dream world.

Douche just kind of came in and started unpacking his stuff, telling me how wonderful it was going to be and how we were going to be so very happy together. Just as I was waffling and telling him to slow down and let me think, Lord Swank came in. He pulled me aside and told me to really think about what was happening. Why would Douche suddenly show up? What was his motivation for wanting to be a family again? Good questions. I decided that the reason he had was because he didn’t want to pay child support and alimony anymore, and that was his way of screwing me out of money.

So, I kicked Douche out of my apartment, threw his things out in the hall, and told him to go fuck himself. Then Lord Swank and I went to bed and slept.

When I woke up, I honestly expected him to be there next to me. It was a bummer that he wasn’t.


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