There have been a lot of messages lately from The Crazy One. When I woke up one morning, there were 5 or 6 already. Geez. He told me that he missed me, that I was the only person he could ever be himself around, that I was the only person who never judged him, that he really did love me, that I was the best person he ever knew, blah, blah, blah. This one, though, was my favorite…he was really hurt when he knew I had been with another man. Really? Did that hurt 4 months after the fact? Why were you so surprised I was upset when you were telling me about your new flame 2 weeks after we broke up? Hmmm. I guess it’s another one of those mysteries we’ll never know the answer to.

When I was telling Bekki about this today, she asked me how it made me feel. I told her in a way, it made me feel vindicated, but also sad. Sad that he couldn’t see what was real, sad that he is sick mentally but won’t get help, sad that I couldn’t at least help him to do that. At least I know that I closed the book on that successfully. There have been no tugs at my heart over him at all. Yes, when things were good, they were good, but when they were bad, they were absolutely miserable. I would never do that to myself again. Ever.

Once again I am reminded of all that I have been through, and that I have come out on the other side. I am feeling very strong and my tolerance for bullshit is at zero right now. Last night I was telling Nova a story about Honeywine and what a great friend she has been to me. I sincerely believe that we were brought into each others’ lives to help each other through dark times. She was the ONLY person who came to me when I told them about Douche. She drove all day to get to me, and when she was at the door, I fell into her. She was there when I dropped the phone after hearing that C*nt might be pregnant, and again when I saw naked pictures of her in Douche’s phone. She talked me through a panic attack. She was THERE. She always is. Remembering that time in my life, though, remembering everything so vividly, reminded me that no one can ever hurt me that deeply again. No one.

Since I’ve been on break, I’ve been having some trouble falling asleep at night. So, I’ve been up late, listening to music, chatting with my buds, catching up on all the celebrity gossip, etc. Tonight, I’ve been looking at the Post Secret Archives.

When I find one I like or that speaks to me, I copy and save them. I even made two of my own to send in. Here are the ones I saved tonight:







6 Responses to “Meandering”

  1. 1 Ron December 29, 2008 at 8:49 am

    Not to much I can say about fears like this. It will get better for you.

  2. 2 eviltwinswife December 29, 2008 at 11:23 am

    I love the PostSecret site. I hope that 2009 brings you the happiness you deserve. 🙂

  3. 3 teeni December 29, 2008 at 11:22 pm

    I’m happy you are sounding so strong in this post, despite all you’ve been through. And I’m so glad that Honeywine has been there for you! She IS an awesome friend and I think you are right that it was great timing that you should be in each other’s lives right now. I wondered if you were real friends in real life before blogging or what the story was with you two since you get along so well. Maybe sometime you can fill me in. I’m nosy. I admit it. 🙂

  4. 4 gingermagnolia December 29, 2008 at 11:58 pm

    Ron – Nothing to do, nothing to say. Remember that yourself, too.

    ETW – It’s the best! I just wish they updated more than once a week. Thank you for saying that. I hope so, too.

    Teeni – I AM feeling strong, but also anxious and angry. We were real friends before the blogs, she is the one who talked me into it. I wrote about how we met here

  5. 5 lola December 30, 2008 at 12:38 am

    Great post, girl! I hope you sent that e-mail about girlfriends to Honey, because friends like her are what truly make life bearable sometimes.

  6. 6 gingermagnolia December 30, 2008 at 12:42 am

    Lola – I did…I actually sent it to all of my “girls!”

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