Looking Foward

These goddamned holidays are rough. Last year didn’t seem as hard as this, how is that? The past few weeks I have just been feeling so utterly…alone. Even with everyone around me, I’m just alone. Lonely.

It’s not as if I’m all doom and gloom. Trust me, what you read here is not up for public display in real life. But this is MY place, and usually y’all get all the bad things dumped on you, so I’m sorry for that. I’ve been getting out and doing things, and honestly, I can find something to be happy about and laugh about or at least admire every day. I have been wanting to take my camera out and take pictures, but even the pictures I took evoked my feelings.

icy

I talk with my closest friends every day, Honeywine, Nova, Bekki, and Melissa, and I usually text a bit with Lord Swank. Most nights, Nova and Honey and I will message each other for a couple of hours, usually giggling the whole time because they are some funny mofos. Then things get quiet, and I’m by myself.

I took the kids roller skating this afternoon, and let them each invite a friend. They had a lot of fun, and I read the latest Stephen King while they skated for 2 1/2 hours. All around me, there were couples, families, moms and dads and kids. There I was, sitting at a table alone, with coats and shoes all over.

I miss having a family. I know that the boys and I ARE a family, but I miss that mom, dad, kids deal. You know? It’s not Douche. I don’t miss him, and haven’t for a very long time. Rather, I miss having a partner. I miss having someone to just melt into when things aren’t good. I miss there being another grown up to talk to, to look at, to just be with. I miss being a part of that. Does that make sense?

I made a promise to myself when Douche and I split that no matter what happens, no matter who I meet or how I feel about them, I will not get married or move in with a man until I have graduated from college. The reason for this was to ensure that I can support myself and my children without having to rely on someone else. I don’t want to identify myself by another person, either, but on my own terms. It’s a good theory, I think, and is a built-in safeguard against rushing into things.

I can look into the future, and I can see so many good things in store. I know that I will be able to learn all I need to in school and put it to good use. I will be a great teacher. I see myself being in a partnership again. I know it will happen. I have confidence these things will come, but right now it’s fucking lonely as hell, and I have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Shit, don’t you just hate that?

6 Responses to “Looking Foward”


  1. 1 Jessiee December 21, 2008 at 10:53 am

    Couple of things, from one single mother to another. I totally understand the “missing the family unit” thing — but remember (and I’m sure you do) that THAT unit wasn’t a good one, and it’s the idealized version of it (likely based on tv, movies, etc.) that you have made up in your head. I don’t say this to be harsh … only because I have to remind myself sometimes that the present is better than the alternative (the past). The other thing is that we have to live “in the moment” rather than to look to the future for our happiness. That’s not to say working toward your goals is bad (it’s not, I think what you’re doing is FABULOUS and you are totally on the right track), but what it does mean is that RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW is your life, not when you finish your degree, not when you find a man, not whenever whatever. Does that make sense? I remember having to say to myself: “I will be happy when such and such happens. I will be happy when…” And then one day I realized that for whatever reason, “such and such” might not … and I’d best get happy now cause THIS IS IT…right here, right now.
    I don’t mean that to sound like, “pull up your big girl panties” — not at all. I mean for it to sound like this instead: do you not recognize all the accomplishments you have made to get you to the point you are right now? THAT is something! And you should be proud of where you are right now, because you are in a WAY better place today than you were, what? two years ago? Now that, my dear, is cause for celebration. 🙂 And a big ole pat on the back.
    I would be willing to bet that you have a ton more self-respect and self-esteem than you did before. And isn’t that just the best feeling ever?

  2. 2 eviltwinswife December 21, 2008 at 11:18 am

    I think the holidays can bring out the feelings of loneliness too. Even though I am happily married, I still feel sadness that my parents are no longer with us at the holidays. {{{Hugs}}}

  3. 3 teeni December 21, 2008 at 4:57 pm

    This is a melancholy time for many people, the skies are grayer, the year is almost over, it’s a time to stop and reflect and many people take stock of their lives and find it lacking. But from what I just read in your post you have lots of things to be happy for and celebrate. Ignore those gray skies because you made some smart decisions when you went to college and when you decided to stand on your own two feet before getting involved in a serious relationship. Yes, it feels lonely right now, but that will pass. And you are going to be so much better and happier for it in the long run. I’m very proud of you because it is not an easy thing to do, but you. are. doing. it!!!!!!!!!!! So I’m sending you hugs for the loneliness and good energy to help you until the skies brighten up again. 🙂

  4. 4 lola December 21, 2008 at 6:56 pm

    Big girl pants really suck sometimes 😉 It’s a bad time of year for sure, but you’re doing the right things for you and your boys!

  5. 5 gingermagnolia December 22, 2008 at 2:07 am

    Thanks for the support, guys. I appreciate it.

  6. 6 honeywine December 25, 2008 at 11:10 am

    Uuummm…Jessiee…if indeed you are a woman, I have heard some of your situation. You are NOT in Ginger’s situation by a FREAKIN MILE! First, learn to read and not foist your own feelings off on her. Second, if you can’t do the first one, keep mum.


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