Archive for October, 2008



Angry

Why is it all of a sudden, out of the blue, you think it would be a good idea to send me a message?  Especially one where you pretend to be concerned?  Where were you when I told you what you were doing to me?  Where were you when I wrote this?  Or this?  Where were you when I was on the floor sobbing?  Where were you when I couldn’t sleep or eat?

Oh yeah, that’s right.  You were out fucking someone else.  Trying to tell yourself that she would be better than I was, somehow.  Believing that she could love you the same way I did.  Hell, even calling her by my nickname.  Now you’re sad because it wasn’t what you thought it was.  How stupid you are.

Do NOT call me.  Do NOT text me.  Do NOT email me.  IF and when I decide to forgive you, I will let you know.  Right now I don’t want to.  I am too good a woman for this shit.

Good Times, Lots of Fun

Nothing spectacular happened today, and I’m still under the weather, so I’m just gonna tell y’all about a really fun time I had with my sister.  We are quite hilarious when we get together, at least WE think so.  I figured I’d write about the Halloween party we went to last year, it being almost Halloween and all. 

She and BIL invited me to a big house party they go to every year.  In fact, they met each other at this party.  I had just recently come out of the major depression, and was almost but not quite yet officially divorced.  The papers had all been signed, but had not been filed for some reason.  I think the judge had to have surgery or something.  I was single and looking to mingle!  The bad thing is, almost everyone they know is married.  I didn’t know that BEFORE we went.  They invited me kind of last-minute, so I didn’t have a costume or anything, and neither did they.  She and I went to the party stores around town, and bought up fake eyelashes and cat’s ears and tails. 

I had a formal dress that our aunt had given me a few years before, which was WAY over the top, I figured one of us could wear that and be Mrs. Howell or something.  It ended up with me being a sort-of cat, borrowing her leopard-print coat (so cute, but impractical) and her wearing the dress with tons of make-up.  The only thing she needed was a cigarette holder and the look would have been complete.  This is what we looked like before the party:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We were in high spirits, and I’m pretty sure we had a few drinks before we left the house (BIL was driving).  When we got there, I knew no one, and there were TONS of people there.  I was given Jello shot after Jello shot, and only after about the fifth one, BIL told me not to take the purple ones (the ones I’d been drinking)because they had all different kinds of liquor in them.  Whoops.  They also had jungle juice.  You know, the big batch o’ kool-aid flavored goodness?  It tastes so good, and knocks you on your ass in no time flat.  We pretty much stayed to ourselves, since everyone else was paired up and/or dressed like a $2 hooker.  Here are some of the musings we remember from that night.

It’s like I always say, it’s not a Halloween party unless your va-jay-jay is hanging out.

It’s like I always say, 52 out of 18 ain’t bad.

It’s like i always say, you can’t get cheese from the moon.

It’s like I always say, fuck me once, thank you.  Fuck me four times…OUCH!

It’s like I always say, that’s the idea.

It’s like I always say, I’m not drunk, I’m just tipsy!

It’s like I always say, fuck you, WHORE!

It’s a wonder we didn’t get jumped that night.  I think that’s mostly due to the fact that we were only talking loudly enough for each other to hear.  The whore and va-jay-jay comments were directed at these two skanks who were barely dressed (it’s FREEZING here by Halloween) and asked E. what she was supposed to be, real snotty-like.  So, of course they were automatically enemies.  Makes sense, right?

Anyhow, it was a whole lot of fun, even though we were both really hungover the next day.  I haven’t drank that much since.  Man, we are awesome.

 

Just as I finished adding these pictures, I got a text message from you-know-who asking if I was okay.  Damn, it’s hard not to answer.

Coughing Merrily Along

Ugh.  I think I’m sick.  When I got home last night,  I had a tickle in my throat, and felt like I couldn’t clear it.  By the time I went to bed, I was coughing up a storm, and all day today I’ve had a headache and itchy throat.  GRRR!  The J’s are both feeling under the weather, too, which makes Little J act like a bear, and that ain’t fun.  On good days, he’s stubborn.  On bad days, he’s downright ornery (sp? too lazy to check). 

I was able to get some homework done this afternoon, due to the fact that the t.v. in the basement is out of commission and I couldn’t watch my dvr-ed shows (True Blood and Californication).  So, at least there’s that.  I’ve still been getting lots of attention on my webpage, and that’s making me laugh a lot.  I promise I’ll compile some of the messages on here one day for your enjoyment! 

Yesterday, when Dr. W. asked  me why I hadn’t responded to the text messages I got, I told him I was afraid to.  He asked me why, and I said the most honest thing I could, that I didn’t want to let him (and you guys) down.  I knew I should want to protect myself, and I do, but the main reason was so I didn’t get an ass-beatin’ from everyone!  So, what I’m trying to remember is the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on for the last month and a half.  I do NOT want that again, and that’s the only thing that would happen with this guy.  Things would be good for a while, and then all of a sudden not.  I have to keep reminding myself of this when thoughts of the flesh creep in.  Last night, I was thinking about how sad it was that I would never be with him in that way again (yeah, it was always awesome).  Then I remembered the past few weeks and how much he hurt me.  Why did he have to be so messed up?!  GAH!  Oh well, on to bigger and better things, right? 

Oh yeah, I got my tickets in the mail today for Willie Nelson!!!  Woohoo!  I saw him once as a child, when The Highwaymen were at the Astrodome.  I can still remember it.  I’m taking Big J with me as my date, and we’re both pretty excited.  Billy Bob Thorton’s band is opening, and I’ve heard good things about them.  If nothing else, maybe Tea Leoni will be there.  Anyone?  Any of you know what I’m talking about?

Another Good Day

I’m feeling better and better every day.  It’s amazing what a difference a week can make!  Other than nodding off during class, I did pretty good today.  My Monday and Wednesday classes are always hard to stay awake in. 

I had another session with Dr. W.  I really like him, he doesn’t take any crap.  I swear, Honeywine has me hooked on this stupid MyYearbook thing.  It’s like frickin’ catnip.  It’s also a good ego boost and damn good for laughing at the ridiculous things people say to you.  I’ll have to gather up all the silly comments and messages and post them one day.  I was literally covering my mouth laughing last night.

Today was my little sister’s birthday.  She’s the big 2-5.  The boys and I went out to eat with her and her husband, her parents-in-law, and her brother-in-law and his wife.  We had a good time, and great food.  We went to Texas Roadhouse (mmmm….steak) and I ate so much I thought I was gonna pop.  I think the best part of the evening was when my BIL ordered his steak.  Let me recap the commentary:

BIL:  I’ll have the 16-oz t-bone

Me:  That’s a whole lotta steak!

Sis:  Well, he’s a whole lotta man!

Me:  And by whole lotta man, you mean?

Sis:  I THINK you know what I mean.

Waiter:  Giggling nervously.

Me, Sis, and BIL:  Laughing our asses off.

Towards the end of the meal, a guy came over making balloon animals and slipped my Little J some pictures of different things he could do, asking which one he wanted.  My sister said (under her breath), “I want a bicycle, clown.”  If you don’t know, that’s a quote from Wedding Crashers.  Another round of uncontrollable laughter ensued.  She didn’t get a bicycle, but she did get a nifty birthday crown.

We have so much fun together, I wish I saw them more often.  When I first moved here, the three of us went out a lot on the weekends.  The thing about my sister and me is that we ALWAYS find something to laugh about when we’re together.  We have so many inside jokes, we could have a whole conversation in front of someone else and they wouldn’t know what we were saying. 

Dinner was good, and now I’m full and sleepy.  Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

What’s The Word?

A few weeks ago, Honeywine talked about schadenfreude.  I’m having similar feelings today.  Last night I went to bed, and slept fitfully.  I had nightmares, as is so often these days, but ended up staying in bed really late this morning, mostly just lying there with my jaws aching and thinking.  I got up and took some ibuprofen and drank a whole bunch of water, while alternately placing a heating pad and a cold washrag on my cheeks.  The boys ran out to play as soon as I got up, and my mom and step-dad were out somewhere, so I was all alone in the house.  I’ve been turning my phone off at night to recharge, so when I went to wash my face I turned it on. 

There were three messages.  One from my friend Mel and two from you-know-who.  He sent them at 1:15 and 1:16 a.m.  He said he was an asshole and wrong and I had been right about him and me.  Wow.  I wasn’t sure how to feel about that.  It’s what I had wanted to hear all along.  About a month late if you ask me, though.  I did not and will not respond to his messages.  That makes me feel strong.  I hope I’ll continue to be, and I’m pretty sure I will.  A week ago, I’m not sure if I would have been able to resist texting back, trying to get him to engage.  Rawr.  This also answers the question as to why his friend was checking out my myspace page.  I’m sure his friend is telling him how stupid he was to let me go.  Is it wrong that I have smiled a lot today thinking about this?  Well, that and the ridiculous messages I got on the my yearbook thing.  People are so weird!

First Rule of Blog Club, Don’t Talk About Blog Club

So…sleepy.  I swear that medicine keeps me up at night.  I will be so tired, but when I lie down, all I can do is toss and turn.  I am SO taking that Ambien tonight.  I don’t have to go anywhere tomorrow, so I should be good to sleep late. 

This morning was the first self defense class for the boys.  Little J is on his third semester, so he knows the drill.  Big J, on the other hand, has never done it before, and I think he only came along to watch once or twice.  He was surprised at how hard it was and how much his muscles hurt afterward.  They did about 80 push ups in 40 minutes.  They enjoyed it, though, and the three of us went out to lunch after class.  You know how kids get super giggly when they’re tired?  They were giggling like a couple of little girls at the restaurant!  It was so silly.

We came home and out they went to roam around the neighborhood with their gang of buddies.  I was planning to do some of my reading, but I just wanted to check my email really quick first.  RIIIIGHT.  I think I spent a hour at least on MyYearbook, which Honeywine got me on.  It was a fun distraction for the afternoon, and I got a super-neato background for my page.  I even got half of my book read.  Woot, woot. 

My step-brother has been over here for the last two nights since he’s on fall break from school.  (I want a fall break!)  It’s nice to see him, he’s pretty cool, and he’s an English major, too, so we can talk about that. 

OH!  I almost forgot.  The dude I just broke up with?  One of the guys he works with, who I met once, added me as a friend on MySpace.  I added him because I was curious about what he was up to.  Apparently, he was just checking to see what I was up to (my profile is private since I used to work at a school).  Luckily, I had already taken down pictures of “the guy”‘, and nothing hints at me being depressed.  It’s all about ~mah inna strenf~.  So, I’m okay with him being able to look at it.  I sent him a message saying hi, and he sent one back.  I really think he (or “the guy”) was curious.  Still no contact, so it’s been two full weeks.  Good, huh?

So, now I’m off to put the boys to bed and take some meds to knock myself out for a while.  Catch y’all on the flip side.

I Am Not A Leprechaun!

Man, yesterday was a LONG day!  Class, studying, trip to Wal-Mart, pizza, cake, presents, company, more studying.  Whew.  I was exhausted by 7:30, and didn’t get to sleep until after midnight.  Little J had a good birthday.  His friend from the neighborhood stopped by to eat cake and ice cream and play games, and my sister and her husband came over.  He decided he wanted pizza for his birthday dinner, which was fine with me.  No cooking and paper plates-woohoo!  Everyone was excited when it was time for cake, especially Little J.  He picked out his cake a week and a half ago and wouldn’t tell anyone else what kind it was.  It came out really cute, I thought.

He always seems to choose something with blue icing.  We all looked like Cookie Monsters!  I used to make their cakes every year, but at these ages, they’d rather have a fancy store-bought cake with a special design on it.  After the sweet stuff, we all went down to the basement for present time.  He was very happy with his Webkinz and the movie his aunt and uncle bought him.

Once everyone was gone, he went online and “adopted” them all.  I hope he doesn’t outgrow them before Christmas, because I have a couple more hidden away.  He got a phone call from Douche, it didn’t last long, but I was glad he remembered to call.  My older sister and her kids called, too.  She said that my dad was at choir practice and would call tonight when he got home from work.

Late on Wednesday night, I got an email from my ex-MIL asking what he wanted for his birthday, and what both the boys wanted for Christmas.  I wanted to write back, “WHY DON’T YOU PICK UP THE DAMNED PHONE AND CALL THEM YOURSELF!!!!”  I didn’t, though.  I told her that I’d have them call her the next day, which I did.  She talked to Little J for about five minutes and said she had to go (just like Douche always does).  She hasn’t called them since the summer.  Not once.  How do you do that with your grandchildren?  Beats me.  My ex-FIL didn’t call, either.  He’s been in contact with them, though, so I’m not too mad at him, just a little annoyed.  I don’t think I should have to remind them when the boys’ birthdays are, do you?  Up until this year, they were the only grandchildren on that side!  BAH!

I let the boys stay up a little later than usual last night since they had a teacher inservice day today.  I was super tired, but still had to do some studying since I’ve been trying really hard to get back on track this week.  I was working on school stuff until 11:45 and when I finally turned off the light, it took forever to get to sleep, then woke up a lot afterwards.  I wonder if the Lexapro doesn’t have a stimulating effect on me, or if I was just over-tired.  This morning, I went and took my weekly test for the ed. psych. class, still unsure of how well I knew the material.  Even after the test, I wasn’t sure how I’d done.  My spidey-senses have been off for the last three weeks!  The good news is, I’m back.  I got a 94 on the test!  Go me!

The rest of the day, I’ll probably try to catch up on some reading for my lit. class.  Honestly right now I feel like I could take a nap.  It’s cold and quiet in the house.  I’m just happy to be feeling a little more like myself today.