Bound and Determined

Right now, I am waaaaay down in the dumps.  Like, underneath the dumpster low.  What is it about me that allows others to walk all over me?  What is it in my nature that makes me easy to replace?  Why do I trust those I should not?  All questions I have been thinking today/tonight.  Sounds like a bad melodrama on Telemundo, doesn’t it? 

Here I am, a smart gal, who is trying desperately to get her shit together, not bad lookin’, who is a kind and loving person.  So, tell me again why I have been dumped again?  Well, to hear some folks tell it’s because I “deserve better” than them.  Yes, I have heard this more than once.  That really, “I want you to be happy”.  Heard than a bunch, too. 

Why can’t people be fucking honest before things become a mess?  Why do I give of myself to those kinds of people only to be stepped on when the next thing comes along? 

Here’s the deal.  I won’t change my nature because of this.  I don’t plan on becoming a thoughtless or ruthless woman who only thinks of herself.  What I will try to do is to think of myself MORE than any man.  I got a little bit better at it with this last one, and will do even better when the next one comes along.

I will try and enjoy myself more and not dwell on the past.  I admit this is a hard one for me, not so much in public but in my own space.  I know that a Droopy Dog is not fun to be around.  Honeywine, Bekki, and E are the best at making me feel happy and loved, so I will try to talk to them more.  I will “fake it to make it.”  I have done it before, and it worked pretty well.

In the last year, I have learned to be more outgoing.  I will continue to develop that, even if it kills me.  It just might, you know.  I will not, repeat, WILL NOT allow myself to fall so easily next time, and hopefully be mindful of these times if I start to revert to a school girl.   Apparently, I should not be involved with extremely good-looking men. 

The other day, at the festival, the boys and I were there, along with Bek and her husband, and another teacher I used to work with and her husband.  I realized that I miss so very much that tenderness, that looking out for one another that (some) married couples have.  I did have that once, and I miss it terribly.  Not the man, just the comfort.

4 Responses to “Bound and Determined”

  1. 1 honeywine October 1, 2008 at 9:39 am

    I think it’s time we pulled out our bitch hats. F*ck this shit.

  2. 2 gingermagnolia October 1, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    I’m no good at being a bitch, but yeah, fuck this shit.

  3. 3 Bekki October 1, 2008 at 9:27 pm

    Fuck this shit from me too!

  4. 4 gingermagnolia October 1, 2008 at 10:30 pm

    Fuck all this shit!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: