Archive for September, 2008

Bound and Determined

Right now, I am waaaaay down in the dumps.  Like, underneath the dumpster low.  What is it about me that allows others to walk all over me?  What is it in my nature that makes me easy to replace?  Why do I trust those I should not?  All questions I have been thinking today/tonight.  Sounds like a bad melodrama on Telemundo, doesn’t it? 

Here I am, a smart gal, who is trying desperately to get her shit together, not bad lookin’, who is a kind and loving person.  So, tell me again why I have been dumped again?  Well, to hear some folks tell it’s because I “deserve better” than them.  Yes, I have heard this more than once.  That really, “I want you to be happy”.  Heard than a bunch, too. 

Why can’t people be fucking honest before things become a mess?  Why do I give of myself to those kinds of people only to be stepped on when the next thing comes along? 

Here’s the deal.  I won’t change my nature because of this.  I don’t plan on becoming a thoughtless or ruthless woman who only thinks of herself.  What I will try to do is to think of myself MORE than any man.  I got a little bit better at it with this last one, and will do even better when the next one comes along.

I will try and enjoy myself more and not dwell on the past.  I admit this is a hard one for me, not so much in public but in my own space.  I know that a Droopy Dog is not fun to be around.  Honeywine, Bekki, and E are the best at making me feel happy and loved, so I will try to talk to them more.  I will “fake it to make it.”  I have done it before, and it worked pretty well.

In the last year, I have learned to be more outgoing.  I will continue to develop that, even if it kills me.  It just might, you know.  I will not, repeat, WILL NOT allow myself to fall so easily next time, and hopefully be mindful of these times if I start to revert to a school girl.   Apparently, I should not be involved with extremely good-looking men. 

The other day, at the festival, the boys and I were there, along with Bek and her husband, and another teacher I used to work with and her husband.  I realized that I miss so very much that tenderness, that looking out for one another that (some) married couples have.  I did have that once, and I miss it terribly.  Not the man, just the comfort.

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So That’s How It Is

There has been a man in my life since last November.  I trusted him, I loved him, I cared for him and listened to him.  I never judged or tried to change him.  I got the same from him.  We split for a short time in May, due to a misunderstanding that got way out of hand, then got back together full-force in July.  We saw each other every day until the boys came home and then at least a few times a week after, and never argued. 

Until I started school.  Now, suddenly, me living with my parents was a huge problem.  He was worried that I would “meet someone who is smarter or has more money” and break up with him.  No amount of reassurance was enough, and he walked away.  I was sad, as you can imagine.  Hurt.  Lost.  Lonely.  One night last week, he sent me a couple of texts.  I was confused, asked him about it, and got no response until the next morning.  Then I got this “explanation”:  “I had a big bust and (Co-worker man) and I went out for a drink and I was a lit.  I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry.”  I asked if the messages had been meant for someone else, and he said no.  He also told me that he was doing better now and was enjoying being alone.  (He was divorced for 7 years and had only had one girlfriend in between his ex and me).  Okay.  Ouch.  I asked him if he thought he would ever be happy with anyone, and he said he guessed he’d have to wait and see.  He reiterated that he was ALONE, and that the only woman in his life would be his dog.

Then, a couple of days later, he texted me that he had another really big bust.  Okay.  Good for you, I’m glad you’re doing well at work.  Me…not so much.  I have been trying desperately to break the habit of texting or emailing him because it only leads to disappointment. 

Today I saw his car and I was overcome by sadness.  I texted him “I still miss you” and really didn’t expect to hear back from him.  10 minutes later he sent, “I’m sorry, but my life’s complicated right now”.  Yeah, who’s isn’t?  I asked him what was going on, figuring maybe something was wrong with his health, or that of his elderly parents.  He texted, “You don’t want to know.”  I knew right away there was someone else, which he confirmed.  It’s only been a few weeks.  How do you go from telling someone you can’t be with them if you can’t be with them every day and night (as in, living together), to seeing someone new in that short a time?  If anyone can answer this one for me, I would appreciate it.  It infuriates me to no end, maybe because a month before Douche left, he wanted to renew our vows and try to have another baby.  Next thing I know he is shacking up with Baby Mama #2 (whose baby was supposed to be born today). 

Bek thinks he may be lying just to get me angry enough to leave him alone.  Could be.  Right now I’m angry and sad and confused and I have a headache from crying.  I honestly have not cried this hard since last October, and that was because Douche had closed our joint checking account, causing all of the checks I’d written for both of our bills to bounce. 

I said I wouldn’t write about this, but I have to.  My heart is broken and if I don’t write about it, I won’t be able to do the school work I have to do, let alone deal with everyone else when they come home.  I didn’t regret my relationship with him until today.  I probably still wouldn’t if I didn’t have this new bit of information.  Now I feel like I wasted a huge amount of time. 

I know I’ll be okay.  I’ll pick myself up and move on like I have done before.  I’ll find someone much more worthy of my time and energy.  I’m a smart girl.  I know these things, and I should have known better than to text.  Better than to let myself get sucked in.  Just should’ve known better.

*Edit – Got another message…”You’re a great person and I didn’t want to hurt you.”  How come that never makes me feel any better?

Sunshine Day

We had an awful lot of fun yesterday, way more than I expected.  Seeing the boys enjoying themselves so much made me feel a million times better than I have in a while. 

We started off at around 12:30, and headed to Burger King for lunch.  I knew there would be lots of food at the festival, but I also know how much that food costs, so I was hoping the boys would be sated by burgers for at least a few hours.

The drive to Niles takes about 35 minutes or so, and the boys were perfectly behaved in the car, listening to my mp3 player and looking out the windows.  I had been to the town before, but only for very specific reasons, so didn’t know where anything was.  I figured I would just follow traffic and crowds and find my way.  We parked at a diner (there were people and cars everywhere) and followed some folks.  It turns out there was a parade about to start (bonus!), so we found a shady spot to watch the festivities.  I don’t especially love parades or anything, but my friend Bekki and her husband weren’t supposed to be there for another 2 hours, and I knew it would be good for keeping the boys from getting impatient.  This was an especially good parade, though.  There were tons of cool old cars, lots of apples, and of course, CANDY!!!!  Here are some of the pictures from the parade (I have tons):

Minions of Death

SHRINERS!!!  Need I say more?

My boys and me

Totally cool, awesome, super-duper cars

 

And two random sightings…

 

There was just so much to see, and we really love the classic cars.  Once the (very long) parade was over, we made our way through the 15 or so blocks to the fairgrounds.  Luckily, we took the car.  We parked and began our trek across the field towards the yummy smells.  Bekki met up with us and the boys were ready to RIDE!

They chose to ride this one first.  It’s the one that flies up way up high and then drops you in a “free fall.”  Does Little J look a little worried?

Once they got off this one, they went around to the other rides…the Zipper, the Gravitron, all were no match for the J’s.  They even went through the house of mirrors, which was pretty darn hilarious considering Little J walked right into the wall once.

We even watched a beard and mustache contest!  (Bek was judging.)

Now it was FINALLY time to eat.  Unfortunately, I was so hungry I didn’t take pictures of dinner before we ate it.  Big J and I had chicken on a stick with rice.  It was delish.  Little J went the safe route and had pizza.  Then came dessert.  Big J picked a candy apple, Little J wanted an ice cream cone, and I chose an apple dumpling.  I was kind of disappointed in the lack of apple-y treats.  Mostly there was just standard fair fare.  I remembered to take pictures of dessert, but we had to walk a long way and by the time we got to the table, Big J had already eaten his apple and the ice cream was somewhat melted.  Here they are anyway:

Not very pretty, but oh so yummy.

We stayed all the way until the fireworks were over.  I think we got back to the car at about 9:30, and home around 10.  We were all tired, but everyone kept saying what a good day it was.  It was really nice to spend a whole day out with my little family.  It was a nice reminder that we are a family, the three of us.  Laisser le bon temps roulez!

Family Fun Day

I had a blast visiting with my peeps yesterday at lunch.  They made me laugh like I haven’t laughed in weeks, especially Bek-ster.  She’s great like that.  I love her for this!  Little J has been wanting to get together with her son lately, so she suggested we come to the Apple Festival in Niles, Michigan with them tomorrow. 

At first I thought, “damn, every time I take them somewhere like that I always end up spending waaaaay too much money.”  Then I remembered that we haven’t really done anything super fun like going to the fair in a very long time.  They were gone a big chunk of the summer, and since school started, the most exciting things we’ve done are going to the big park near the zoo and to the movies a couple of times.  I think they deserve a fun day with Mom, plus it will get them out of the house and it will be quiet for my step-dad to sleep. 

Plus, I’ll get to hang with Bek all day long, and that’s definitely a plus!  I told the boys last night, once I had checked the bank balance to be sure I had enough money available to go, and they are terribly excited about riding all the rides.  I myself don’t like roller coasters, or most fair-type rides, except for the tilt-a-whirl.  I’m scared of heights!  So, my big plan is enjoying the apple goodies.  I think my favorite dessert is apple crisp.  Yum. 

I’ll try to remember to take my camera so I can get some shots of the boys and me.  Hey, I’ll even have a friend there to take some pictures of all three of us together!

Those Darn Whippersnappers!

Apparently, Big J is a little Mack Daddy.  At 12, he already looks like at least a freshman in high school, 5’7″ tall, with broad shoulders and a very handsome face.  Apparently, 7th and 8th grade girls love this look.  It doesn’t matter that he’s socially inept most of the time, the girls adore him. 

In the past week alone, I have found no less than three notes from three different girls in his pants when I put them in the washer.  Hey, they’re fair game…I’ve told him repeatedly to check his pockets before the pants go into the laundry basket.  I always give them back to him, and remind him again to check the pockets as soon as he takes them off.  I never go snooping in his room, and don’t plan to.

All of these notes have included some variation of the question “do you like me?”.  Luckily, they seem pretty harmless, but it is still worrisome.  When I ask him about them, he says, “Mom, (insert eye roll here) THEY like ME!  I can’t help it!”  To which I reply, “Well, honey, that’s okay, but you don’t want to cause fights or anything.”  Was that a twinkle in his eye?  Surely not.  Do they make chastity belts for boys?

It’s All Right to Cry, Crying Gets the Sad Out of You

It might make you feel better.  At least that’s what Rosey Grier told me when I watched Free to Be You and Me as a young’un.  That song has been going through my mind all day, along with a general feel of unease.  I don’t allow myself to cry very much anymore, because there are simply too many people around here who would ask questions.  Questions that I don’t know how to answer. 

I honestly don’t have too much to be sad about, just one really big thing that I can’t talk about here because I made a promise not to.  Note to self:  don’t ever promise that to anyone again.  This started out as the one place where I could write about anything and everything, good or bad, with no fear of anyone getting hurt or mad, but now I can’t write about what is really bothering me.  Damn, damn, double damn. 

I feel like everything is out of control and one of the relationships that made me happy before is a mess.  I know that doesn’t make much sense, and I’m sorry.  I’m hoping that at least writing cryptically about things will help me shake this uneasy feeling. 

I want to be excited about things again, excited about life, the future, about everything.  I know it will happen, I know.  It takes time.  If Honeywine had her way, it would also take a flurry of men.  That’s not me, though.  I’m sure there will be a man someday, but I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever find what I thought I already had (does that make sense?).  Shit, I sound like a damn 50-year-old woman who’s been divorced three times.  Slap me, please?

I’m going to have lunch tomorrow with my girlfriends from my previous job, I’m sure that will do some good.  My Bekki can always make me laugh.  She’s my wonder twin.  I think I am also going to go and talk to one of the apartment complexes that has income guidelines.  I have a friend who lives there, and they are nice.  I’m not sure how low the rent would be, but I know I need to go and find out.  I need to do something before I lose my mind!

By the way, I’m totally procrastinating when I should be studying for my test tomorrow.

Eat It Up

It’s no secret that I’ve been a bit…stressed lately.  When I get stressed (read:  stressed, not depressed) I eat more.  I still eat the same at meals, but at night I dive into my secret stash of sweets.  It’s not really a secret, but it’s in my room, so that’s what I call it.  In other words, MINE all MINE!  When everything’s going well, I’ll take a piece here and there, but not daily.  For the last few weeks, I’ve gone through a lot more than usual.  In other words, I just realized that I eat my feelings (gulp).   It’s not healthy and certainly not good for my waistline!  So, I ask you, dears, what do you do when you get stressed?  Do you hide out?  Do you yell at everyone?  Do you meditate?  What?