Last night, it was so very hard not to message HotD.  His birthday is today, and I had already sent a card off before Monday, so I couldn’t pull it back in.  I was practically sitting on my hands so I wouldn’t call or text him. 

I began to remember last year and how completely “dead” I was.  Back when all the crap started with Douche, I was urged to start writing a journal.  I did so just about every day for June and July.  I wrote down all of the things that I couldn’t say to him, because he either wouldn’t take my calls or wouldn’t listen.  It did help.  I hadn’t gone back and read any of the pages until last night.  I was able to read the words and remember what it felt like when I wrote them.  By the same token, I realized that I’m not that girl anymore.  Perhaps It’s Me Penelope’s post inspired this, who knows?

The following is an excerpt from my journal, dated 6/6/07:

Saw Douche today.  He actually showed up at Little J’s game tonight.  He wanted his ACU cap (he’s a soldier) and a list of all our expenses.  I was firm with him and tried not to let him manipulate me.  I do still feel sorry for him*.  He’s so lost right now.  Lost to me, lost to the boys, lost to his family, even himself. 

I miss him so much and it’s hard to be so close to him and not be able to touch him or really even talk to him about what matters.  He still doesn’t think he owes me an explanation for what he’s done.  I really do want that and he still can’t face up to it.**  That makes me so angry and so hurt that he can’t even do that for me.  I realize now that he never loved me the same way I loved him.  He took me for granted from day one without a thought as to what he was doing. 

I hate that my kids are going through this.  I hate it that no one in his family has called to check on us.  I don’t want to lose them.  I love them as my own. 

He never respected me, not from the beginning.  I need a man who will respect me and love me for who I am, not who he wishes I were.  An honest man who I won’t have to wonder if he’s actually telling me the truth when I ask him a question.  Someone who won’t drag my boys down if they make a mistake at school or in the ballgame.

I hope I can be friends with Michael one day because I love him.  I have since I was 14 years old.  I think it will take a long time, though.

*Man, I’m a sucker.

**He still has yet to admit anything, even while remarried and with a baby on the way, he is still denying they are married.  DOUCHEBAG!


I still can’t believe how blind I was all those years!  Reading this did give me some perspective, though.  I have been through worse.  This breakup with HotD has been somewhat easy, except at night when I would’ve been talking to him.  I guess it’s like any other addiction, the habit is hard to break.  I feel better today.

While typing this here, I realize again that I am so glad to be done with Douche, at least on a day to day basis.  Since he’s a soldier, he lives in Alabama while I live in Indiana with my family.  I’ve only had to see him at Christmas and on Spring Break, and I’ll have to see him in the summer.  I’m looking forward to setting eyes on the c*nt in all her pregnant, stretch-marked, water retaining, splendor.  I’ve never met the ho in person before.  You can be damn sure I’ll be looking my best when I meet her, though.  Small victories, eh?

 <——-Words of wisdom, those are!


8 Responses to “Perspective”

  1. 1 KC May 22, 2008 at 3:48 pm

    It’s really hard to take the high road and it sounds like you are doing just that. I completely understand how difficult it is to NOT call.

    I may not know you, but I am proud of you for being strong.

  2. 2 Penelope May 23, 2008 at 9:05 am

    I finally got over here to say hello!
    From someone who knows ;o)

  3. 3 honeywine May 23, 2008 at 12:57 pm

    Good girl! Maybe he pulled this crap because he thought you’d come crawling back on his birthday? I loves you. 🙂

    P.S.- I like the pic. I wouldn’t have thought of doing that.

  4. 4 gingermagnolia May 23, 2008 at 2:41 pm

    Thanks, girls! This blogging thing is certainly agreeing with me, every time I post I feel better afterward. It’s hard being a grown up!

    KC – You’re so sweet, and now you have your scooter to zip around in and be fabulous!

    Penelope – HELLO!

    Honeywine – Who knows, but he sent me a text that said thank you last night. I didn’t respond. I’m so glad you approve!!!

  5. 5 gingermagnolia May 23, 2008 at 2:42 pm

    Oh – I totally forgot…..I lifted the pic from Post Secret, which I was led to from KC’s page. Ooooh, I feel like such a cyber-stalker. Badass, that’s me.

  6. 6 Becky May 25, 2008 at 11:42 am

    Break-ups are the pits. It doesn’t matter how much of a douche he was, it still sucks. And you’ll regret it if you call him, if you’re like me.

  7. 7 gingermagnolia May 25, 2008 at 1:32 pm

    We actually texted back and forth for about 20 minutes last night. It was okay…just asking how the other is doing and that sort of thing. I feel okay about it. I really do feel like I’m glad to have had this relationship, but I know there are things to look forward to.

  8. 8 gingermagnolia May 27, 2008 at 8:51 pm

    Becky – Just to clarify….this one’s not the douche…that honor goes to my ex-husband. This was my first boyfriend since the breakup.

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