You’re kidding me, right?

 

Do I have a sign on my back that says, “break my heart”?  Today, it feels that way.

A few weeks ago, I had a big blowup with my boyfriend, HotD.  We’ve been dating since the beginning of December, and hadn’t had so much as an argument before this happened. 

Up until I met HotD, I was pretty much lifeless.  I played the part of Mom.  I pretended to be okay.  Fake it to make it, right?  I was still mourning the loss of my marriage, my home, and my future.  A little melodramatic, but true nontheless. 

At the urging of Honeywine, I made up a MySpace complete with fake name, new email address, and saucy pictures.  This was just for fun.  Kind of an exercise to show myself I was still desireable.  Plus, despite going out to a really fun piano bar just about every weekend with my sister, I had yet to have one guy ask for my number, let alone talk and flirt with me.  I was desperate people!!!

I made tons of “internet friends”, and had a few guys that I talked to pretty regularly.  I began to look forward to coming home and chatting with people.  I went on two dates with S, who had lots of money and loved to show it off.  The first date was fun, but by the second date, I was soooo over his money-flaunting.  Then, along came HotD.  After him, everyone else just faded away.

We liked the same books and music, and I love the way he looked.  He wrote his own songs and sent me videos of himself singing them.  I sure did want to meet him.  We talked online for a few weeks, every night, and found we had a lot in common.  There was never a lull in conversation, never even any sex talk…at least not until we’d actually met in person a few times.

We decided to meet in person and from the first date, we were pretty much inseperable.  We saw each other about 3 times a week or more, and it never got boring, and more importantly…we never got annoyed by each other.  We would talk on the phone every night, usually for at least an hour.  Still, we never ran out of things to talk about. 

He said “I love you” first.  He was completely smitten.  I have pictures where you can see it in his eyes.  For Christmas, he sang me two songs he’d written for me.  He called me Doll.  He treated me so sweetly in a way that my ex-husband never did.  I fell in love.  I felt like a woman.  That may seem weird, as I’m 27, but for the first time I felt like I was in an adult relationship.  I wasn’t jealous, I was confident in myself, in him, and in us together.  My heart was finally not hurting anymore.  I could see the sunshine again. 

Since this whole incident between us, we have seen each other three times.  For two weeks, we didn’t see each other at all, although we talked through text messages and email and still maintained our declarations of love for one another.  He still wanted everything he did before this happened, future-wise.  So did I.

On Sunday, the 11, the called me and told me he was miserable not seeing me.  I felt the same way.  So, we got together for a short time on Tuesday, then he came over on Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.  Everything seemed back to normal.  I felt more determined than ever that we were going to be okay.  Who cares what everyone else thinks, right?  Screw ’em.  We knew what we wanted, and we weren’t going to let anyone stand in our way. 

Apparently, I was wrong.  Even though I felt that way, he wasn’t so sure anymore.  That things weren’t the same.  Something was missing. 

What?!?!?!?!?!  I went from having a great day to everything being wrong in a matter of seconds.  When the incident happened, I was completely adult about it.  I didn’t yell, didn’t blame, and didn’t show my anger.  Not this time.  Now I am PISSED OFF, goddammit!!!

We did the whole back and forth thing yesterday, and some last night.  I still don’t know what the hell happened, and probably never will.  I’m mad that I am so hurt by this.  I’m mad that I am single again.  I’m mad that I loved him.  I’m mad that I let myself. 

I have definitely been through bad things before and came out the other side just a little more cynical.  Damn, I hate being cynical.  And mother f***er, I hate feeling like this.

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4 Responses to “You’re kidding me, right?”


  1. 1 KC May 21, 2008 at 9:20 am

    Oh no. I am so sorry. Believe me, I feel for you sooo much. Every day I feel like I am “over” Matt, I realize I am just not. On my birthday, I even invited an old “friend with benefits” along for the festivities. I figured, if I had to be single, I could at least get laid.

    Thing is, the opportunity was there. Big time. And I just couldn’t do it. Breaking up is so much more than just not talking to someone annymore – it’s like a constant deep pit in your stomach – eating away.

    The only thing I can offer is that you were lucky to find someone that made you feel good after your divorce. You mentioned that he made you feel loved in a way that your jerk-face Ex never did. If it can happen once, it can happen again – only better. Don’t settle. In the meantime, I will toast my glass of wine tonight to the both of us.

  2. 2 gingermagnolia May 21, 2008 at 9:36 am

    Thanks, KC. I know at least some of what I’m feeling is residual crap from my ex leaving. It’s only been a little over a year.

    Hang in there, and I will too. Drinks all around and whatnot.

    By the way, I love it that Jambi from Pee Wee’s playhouse is your profile pic. I loves me some Pee Wee.

  3. 3 Becky May 25, 2008 at 11:45 am

    Oh, dude, I’m late to the game here, but I’m damn sorry.

  4. 4 gingermagnolia May 25, 2008 at 1:33 pm

    Thanks, Becky. I’ve been reading your blog a little at a time. I feel like we’re sisters in doucheness.


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