After I wrote last night, The Crazy One called me because he was upset. I haven’t talked to him for a long time, pretty much the entire time I was dating FM, mostly because of something FM told me before we started dating. Something about TCO inventing reasons to stay in my life. He would text me sometimes, but for the most part, I either ignored it or did my best not to encourage him. Still, I have a hard time being cold to people, and I do care about him. I’m just smart enough to know that I couldn’t fix him and he won’t seek help. So, I listened when he told me all about what it was that had him all riled up. Mostly, I just said “uh huh” a lot, but I guess he felt better when we hung up (which couldn’t come soon enough, in my opinion). I am much better at helping other people with their problems and emotions that I am with doing it for myself. True story.
After a while, I went back up to the roof, the clouds overhead creating a blanket over the city. I took a few pictures with my old 35 mm. I think there are pictures on that roll of film from last summer…hopefully I’ll get a few good ones when I develop them. Then, I called a friend – the same friend I had gotten messages from the night before – and talked for almost an hour. This is a person I don’t know very well, but a very kind person who has been able to give me some insight and perspective on FM, because he knows him.
I had a hard time falling asleep at midnight (one my time). When I finally did, sometime after that, I had terrible dreams which woke me up at 5 am. I just laid there, my mind spinning. Like Sarah MacLachlan says, I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. I am still so confused about what happened, it was so strange. Do I love him? Yes, I do. Am I going to wait around and expect him to realize he made a mistake? Hell no. I told him that much.
That being said, I’m not planning on dating anyone for a while. It’s gonna take time, a whole lotta precious time, for my heart to heal. Like I have said, I feel so different than I have after other break ups. Before, I just kind of fell apart, lashed out at the other person (sometimes), and got really angry. It’s not as if I haven’t laughed or smiled since Sunday, I’ve been able to do that. It’s not like I’m shut up in my room not speaking to anyone. Those are the things that usually happen. I guess I’m just sad and confused, which is new. You probably wouldn’t know it from reading my blog, but I am a strong woman. I am.
I’m taking Big J out to dinner tonight, since Little J is finally coming home from camp tomorrow (YAYAYAYAYAY!). He and I haven’t done much together this week, mostly because he’s at the age where he doesn’t want to do much with his mom anymore. I offered to take him to the movies, too, but he just wants to rent some instead. I can’t wait to see my baby tomorrow. It’s been a week with no phone calls or anything, and I’ve missed him so much. I just want to pick him up and hug and squeeze him and kiss his chubby cheeks.
Here’s my proof that I was fakin’ it with all my might yesterday. I ate a whole entire slice of pizza, and smiled through dinner! (In all the times I’ve been to Chicago, this was my first Chicago-style pizza…and don’t mind the looks, I’d been walking around all day).
I have had Chicago Pizza in Chicago and I think it may have healing effects.
I hope so.
Keep moving, honey. Keep on moving through your life.
You’re still lovely. I don’t blame you for giving things a rest for a bit. Just get through the next week, few weeks, whatever and then you can reassess your situation, with a new attitude. {{{Hugs}}}
I’ve been to Chicago and still haven’t had any Chicago-Style pizza!
My baby is getting to that age too! Not interested in hanging out with Mom too much.
You did good, girl. Glad you got to get away.
That picture… OMG!! I’m drooling…. I love pizza!!!
Yep, keep on moving and eating pizza with a big old glass of red. You look great to me, even if you’re just faking! Seeing your boy will cheer you up. I can’t believe you’re brave enough to let him go away for a week. As you know, I’m a giant pussy that cries if my boy goes to a sleepover.
Do try to have a good weekend. You can always think of me and the toxic dog shit to make you feel better
Ms. Moon – It started my appetite back up, at least more than it was, so maybe it is magic.
ETW – I definitely need a new something. Something isn’t workin’!
Living – Well, you should, it’s delicious! I tried your link, but it didn’t work. I’d like to check you out if you ever come back and give me the address.
Vinomom – My little one still wants to sometimes, but it’s a rare occasion for the teenager.
Ron – Me, too. I wish I had leftovers.
Lola – My boy did cheer me up a lot, and he also wants to go back to camp for another week this summer. I hope you had a blast at your friend’s party, and didn’t get yourself into too much trouble.