8:20 am: Waiting on the train, and knowing that I will be okay, at least here on the train. I didn’t wake up feeling sick this morning like I have been, and I’m hoping that will last. It may have to do with some messages I got last night from a friend that made things seem less awful. I still don’t understand what really happened, but I know I’ll be okay, no matter what.
10:10 am: Stopped at the condo to drop off my bag. As soon as the elevator doors closed, I almost lost it as I remembered kissing him there. I had forgotten all about that until just now.
12:00: Have been at the Art Institute for almost two hours now. The first place I went, as always, was the Impressionist Wing. My favorite section in my favorite place in my favorite city. I didn’t cry in front of the Monet, or the Cassat, or the Degas. I fought back tears the entire time. The memories flooding back from the last time I was there, the best time I had there. I had to fight and fight and fight not to cry in front of Batoli’s “Time Unveiling Truth.” I did it, though. My cheeks stayed dry. I made it all the way through the wing without tears, only wet eyes and a runny nose.
Would you believe that the thing that finally knocked a tear loose was a glass paperweight? There was a little area, kind of hidden behind an empty display area, with all kinds of paperweights and glass doorknobs behind glass. It was in the last section, and was small, with what looked like white lace inside, and a blue “E,” my first initial. It wasn’t even beautiful or extraordinary, save that it was the only one that had a letter inside. I can’t say why my sadness came spewing forth at that moment, though hearing sirens of firetrucks outside at the time might have had something to do with it. Maybe it was because I haven’t really cried much since the first night. Maybe it was because it was in an area that wasn’t completely crowded. Whatever the reason, that little fucker did me in.
I didn’t bring my computer with me, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get online later. Maybe that’s a good thing, who knows? I’m sure my aunt will have some words of wisdom for me, and she’ll surely keep me busy today. I am so grateful that I’m feeling better today. Glad I brought a notebook so I can write and write and write, and hopefully get all of my sad feelings out and away to make room for the happy things I want to come.
4:30: Finally got some time alone to think, and walked across to Grant Park. Talked with Bekki and Nova, laughed and took some pictures. Went back to the condo to go to the roof. I felt it immediately, all the things I was able to push away most of the day. I finally had a moment to myself, completely alone, and I miss him. I am thankful for the solitude up here, but also scared of the thoughts and feelings that can be pushed aside more easily when everyone else is around. I am so sad. Not devastated, not falling apart, just a deep and quiet sadness. I haven’t felt this before.
8:30: Things may have just gotten a little clearer, not sure. I’m tired and I’m sad, and I need something to laugh at. Gonna go read some blogs and take a shower. Boy, I faked it good today, smiling and laughing when appropriate. Fake it to make it, right? Ugh. I hate this.
It’s going to get better. It truly is. I promise.
Fake it to make it? Like this. It’s so true when getting over something. Just the act of “acting” gets us through one more day.
I won’t talk cliches but we all know they’ve become cliches for a reason. Because they are true.
Enjoy the rest of your trip, no matter how hard you have to fake it.
That which does not kill us only makes us stronger. The hardest part is that you really don’t want that crap to keep trying to kill ya. I mean heck, who needs to be that much stronger???
I am proud of you for going. Sorry you are soo sad.
Vinomom makes a good point, they are cliches for a reason. Hope you have a good weekend. Pray it doesn’t rain.
I’m sorry you’re so sad. I hope your venture out brings some peace to you.
Ms. Moon – Of course it will. My mind knows that, the heart is a slow learner, though, isn’t it?
Vinomom – I faked it up!
Ron – You have a point. Maybe I should just learn to run faster from the things that try to kill me!
Dish – Thank you. It didn’t rain, just partly cloudy, like my mood.
ETW – Some points did.