Trying to Heal

Today was better than yesterday, which was better than the day before.  Still very sad, but not as devastated as I was when The Crazy One and I broke up for good last fall.  I think partly because I know that I can get over it because I’ve done it before, and partly because the Fireman and I haven’t spent much time at all together this whole month, so I had been missing him anyway.  I haven’t cried today, which was kind of surprising.  I was able to eat a little bit.  When I am really upset, I don’t have an appetite.  I eat because I know I have to, but after a few bites, I start to feel sick. 

I took the bag that had my stuff from his house in it and threw it in the back of the closet.  I didn’t want it to remind me.  I had already put up the photo I had next to my bed from Chicago, and the photo strips I had on my picture board.  They went into a drawer.  I forced myself to get on Facebook and delete all the pictures of us together (there were a lot), mainly because he already had and I didn’t want to look like a jackass.  I’ve been updating there, but have tried to avoid it for the most part, lest I see what he’s up to and get upset.  I changed my “faves” on my phone so that I don’t see his face when I open it, another reminder.  I have a few texts from him saved because they were so amazing and surprising when I got them.  I haven’t been able to delete them yet, because they were just that sweet.  Maybe I should write them down somewhere before I take them off of my phone.  I am not good at this part at all. 

I did go to sleep last night, somewhere around midnight or one, I’m not sure.  I was completely exhausted, but took a Tylenol pm anyway.  I chatted with Ron and my friend Nova was texting me, trying to cheer me up and just being there.  I read blogs and celebrity gossip, anything to keep my mind off of all things sad.  I did have bad dreams, and it did hurt when I woke up, but I slept and slept and slept.  I didn’t get up until 11, and even Big J was still in bed. 

I got him up and we went to my sister’s house to see the baby and go to lunch with them, then we went back and watched Big Business.  I think Big J laughed once during the whole movie, but hey, he was good and sat with us the whole time.  I let him rent “boy” movies on the way home, so he was happy.  As I was holding the baby, I thought, “well, I won’t be having another child after all.”  That hurt.  I know that it’s still possible, I just feel that as time goes on, my boys are getting so big, and I’m not getting any younger.  The longer it goes, the more that worries me.  Before FM, I didn’t think I would have any more at all.  I had let that go.  Then, it was a possiblility again, and in fact, a plan.  When I looked down at the baby sleeping in my arms, I had to fight back tears for what might have been.

Beks called to check on me tonight after having a hysterectomy this morning.  Mel and Nova have been checking on me, my sister’s trying to keep me busy.  Ron chatted with me last night.  Lucky to have people like this around.

I’m think I’m going to go on Thursday to Chicago and spend the day and night with my aunt.  I really didn’t want to at first, because the last time I went was with the Fireman and it was so much fun.  I was afraid that I would just be remembering things all day.  I decided that it would probably be good, though, to get out of town, get away from my computer, and get my mind off of things (I hope).  So, if any of you Chicago-ans want to get together for lunch or dinner or to go to the Art Institute, let me know.  I’d love to meet y’all for real.  My aunt was surprised when I told her why I would be coming alone, and asked what happened between us.  She really liked him, too.  Everyone did.  She told me that she has found in her long life (she’s 71) that the women have to go after the men, not the other way around.  Maybe she’s right about that. 

Anyway, I know that was just a bunch of rambling, I will probably try to watch a funny movie tonight, then if I’m lucky, just pass out and forget for a while.