Down With 2008

What’s happened this year? In 2008, I:

Worked at a middle school

Made two VERY close friends

Saw my first opera

Started this blog

Drove to Bowling Green, KY, and back

Was separated from my children for a week

Found out my ex-husband was having a child

Drove to Bowling Green, KY, and back again

Broke up with The Crazy One

Made it to the end of the school year

Flew to Texas with the boys

Saw HONEYWINE, also saw family in TX

Laughed about a million times while in Honey’s company

Got scared when she told ghost stories

Got back together with The Crazy One

Was separated from the boys for four weeks

Found out my ex-husband was naming his new child the name I would have given my son if he’d been a girl

Went to Chicago and had an awesome time

Finally got the boys back

Started my kids in new schools

Started myself in a new school

Found out my sister was pregnant

Broke up with The Crazy One for good

Wrote and wrote and wrote

Worked my ass off to get good grades

Met Lord Swank

Found out I’m getting a nephew, Harrison

Made it through Thanksgiving

Finished the semester

Read three books for the sheer enjoyment of it

Struggled through Christmas

Played Rock Band for hours

————————————————————————————————–

There have been a lot of ups and downs this year. I am hoping that next year will be better, no matter what it brings. The best thing that happened this year was definitely becoming self-aware, realizing the strength I have. If nothing else, I hope I’m more prepared to deal with whatever comes my way. Hey, at least I know Douche got a vasectomy, so no more half-siblings for my kids!

I’m going to ring in the new year with my sister and her husband at a house party. I’m a little sad that I won’t have anyone to kiss deeply at the stroke of midnight, but I think I’m going to kiss the baby instead. He won’t disappoint me!

I’ve been hearing from The Crazy One through email again tonight. He said “talking” to me makes him sad. When I asked him why, this is the answer I got:

“Our history and a lot of things . How stupid I was etc . When I was all down christmas etc. You talked to me . No one else did . No one . No one ever does . After all that shit you still talked to me even a few weeks ago.

I took everything for granted and lost it all . You were real and the only person who ever really loved me . You know it , I know it . And you know I loved you to . Everything with you is always crystal clear in my memories . Which kills me.”

Hmmm, what to take from that? I’m choosing to take that it shows the kind of person I am. Even when people hurt me badly, I am (usually) still there for them when they need me. Some people might say that’s a weakness, but I figure it shows more strength than anything. Being able to separate the past from the present is hard to do, and being able to show kindness despite of your pain is even harder. I’m compassionate, I’m kind, I’m loving. I feel deeply, and I care deeply for others. I’m pretty proud of that!

Still…down with 2008, I figure we’re all owed a do-over in 2009.

Vacation? HA!

WHEN, oh WHEN is school starting back up?! My children are being jerks to each other, and everyone else. They are so sick of being together, yet all of their friends are either out of town or busy with family stuff. Yesterday, I took them roller skating. Today, we went to the movies to see Bedtime Stories. It was really funny and cute. (Bolt was, too, we saw that last week). The snow is all melted right now, so sledding is out. I’m running out of ways to get them to cut out the fighting. They’ve been separated, yelled at, had their priveledges taken away, etc. I just want them to go back to school. Hell, I just want ME to go back to school. I have too much time to think right now, I need to be busy again, and I sure will be.

I am taking six (yes, six) classes next semester. Two of them are internet classes, which I hope means that I’ll find them easier than standard ones. One of my regular classes is about special education, and requires 20 hours of observation in a classroom. On top of this workload, I will be doing my peer mentor duties, which includes leading an hour of study group every week, plus a weekly meeting. Peer mentors often help with orientation duties, as well. So, I will most certainly be busy. Yes ma’am.

Can I have a vacation after my vacation? Nothing fancy, just some time away from everything, somewhere warm where I can feel the sunshine, maybe look at some stars at night. Anyone?

Meandering

There have been a lot of messages lately from The Crazy One. When I woke up one morning, there were 5 or 6 already. Geez. He told me that he missed me, that I was the only person he could ever be himself around, that I was the only person who never judged him, that he really did love me, that I was the best person he ever knew, blah, blah, blah. This one, though, was my favorite…he was really hurt when he knew I had been with another man. Really? Did that hurt 4 months after the fact? Why were you so surprised I was upset when you were telling me about your new flame 2 weeks after we broke up? Hmmm. I guess it’s another one of those mysteries we’ll never know the answer to.

When I was telling Bekki about this today, she asked me how it made me feel. I told her in a way, it made me feel vindicated, but also sad. Sad that he couldn’t see what was real, sad that he is sick mentally but won’t get help, sad that I couldn’t at least help him to do that. At least I know that I closed the book on that successfully. There have been no tugs at my heart over him at all. Yes, when things were good, they were good, but when they were bad, they were absolutely miserable. I would never do that to myself again. Ever.

Once again I am reminded of all that I have been through, and that I have come out on the other side. I am feeling very strong and my tolerance for bullshit is at zero right now. Last night I was telling Nova a story about Honeywine and what a great friend she has been to me. I sincerely believe that we were brought into each others’ lives to help each other through dark times. She was the ONLY person who came to me when I told them about Douche. She drove all day to get to me, and when she was at the door, I fell into her. She was there when I dropped the phone after hearing that C*nt might be pregnant, and again when I saw naked pictures of her in Douche’s phone. She talked me through a panic attack. She was THERE. She always is. Remembering that time in my life, though, remembering everything so vividly, reminded me that no one can ever hurt me that deeply again. No one.

Since I’ve been on break, I’ve been having some trouble falling asleep at night. So, I’ve been up late, listening to music, chatting with my buds, catching up on all the celebrity gossip, etc. Tonight, I’ve been looking at the Post Secret Archives.

When I find one I like or that speaks to me, I copy and save them. I even made two of my own to send in. Here are the ones I saved tonight:

Played

So, I was right after all. I totally got played. Don’t you hate it when you’re right about the wrong things? Right now, I fucking hate men. They suck ass so much.

Why can’t people just be honest? You know, if he had been honest from the start, it would have been a lot easier than dragging shit out. Especially when he was asked outright.

Here are some tips for any guys reading this (except Ron, because I know he knows these things):

Do NOT tell a woman that you are falling for her if you aren’t.

Do NOT tell her that she’s safe with you if she isn’t.

Do NOT tell her that you’re ready to meet her kids if you are going to disappear.

Do NOT meet her whole family and then make her look like a fool.

Do NOT tell her that you are scared by how strong your feelings are and then run away.

Do NOT tell her that you’re on the same page if you aren’t.

Do NOT tell her that you want a family when all you want to do is run around to bars with your friends.

Do NOT parade around as a “good” guy if you aren’t.

Do NOT LIE.

Do NOT play games with her head.

DO NOT PLAY GAMES.

DO NOT PLAY GAMES.

DO NOT PLAY GAMES.

It’s a hell of a lot easier on the other person if you just say, “Hey, let’s be friends,” or “I’m really just not really into you anymore,” than just disappearing.

Got that, fellas?

Mother fucker! I hate this feeling. I’m really mostly mad that I trusted him enough to meet my kids and he came around them a lot and then disappeared. And he still has my fucking Christmas tree! I just want my shit back so I can be done with this whole thing.

I am so damn mad right now, and feeling like a stupid idiot once again. Why is it so easy for people to do this to me? What is it about me that makes it easy for people to hurt me so much? Do they just know they can, so they do? I don’t understand it, and I am so sick of being the fool.

Riddle Me This

Last night, I was feeling pretty okay by the time the boys went to bed. I had talked to my besties, they had had good Christmases. In the last few days in talking to both Nova and Honeywine, we have wondered why it is that WE are so very awesome and yet, unlucky in love.

The conclusion we came to was that we must need to be conceited jerks in order to let our awesomeness be known. I mean, it certainly seems that those are the types of people who get what they want from others. Am I right?

Definitely, I am a great person. Fun to be around, loving, and kind. I am loyal to a fault, usually my own fault (heh), and am great at knowing what another person needs, the right words to say, the appropriate action to take. Yet, for all of this, I’ve been taken advantage of again and again. By both women and men, yet it’s easier for me to let go of the women who hurt me.

As I was getting ready to turn in for the night, only waiting to hear about Honeywine’s day and let her know I was okay (there was an emergency call to her after the Douche incident last night), when I got a text from The Crazy One. I had thought that I’d wish him a Merry Christmas yesterday morning, but had forgotten. I asked him how his Christmas was, and if his son had a good day. What I got back stunned me. If you remember, when we broke up, I told him he was making a huge mistake and would never know anyone as good as me again. Turns out, I was right. Imagine that!

You know, he lamented about how he was so stupid, how he really fucked everything up, how his life has been crap without me in it. How I was the only person he’d ever met who was so optimistic, he couldn’t help but feel that way, too. How he misses me all the time, and is reminded of me and all the fun we had by all kinds of things. You don’t say. At first, my ego felt good that he finally understood it. I haven’t been thinking about him. I haven’t missed him in a long time. I let him go a long time ago.

Then, I got pissed off. Why is it that people can’t see what’s right in front of their faces? Lord Swank, I’m looking at YOU. Right now I just want to shake you and yell that you are fucking this up! I deserve so much more than what I’m getting right now. Both Douche and now The Crazy One have realized that they screwed up, that they were stupid, and that I am worth having around.

I am a great partner to have. I am always there for you, I’m loyal (it’s a curse, I think), I’m honest, I’m fun, I even like “guy” movies. I’m flippin’ amazing in bed. I’m a nice girl who can get along with anyone…your family, your friends, your boss at work. I can fit in anywhere, I’m adaptable. I can be just as comfortable in a fancy dress with snooty folks as I am in jeans in a trailer park. Apparently my problem is that I don’t play games with guys. If I feel something for you, I tell you. If I’m mad at you, I tell you. I don’t bullshit around. There’s no guessing with me. It’s all laid out on the table, and I have no poker face.

So, I’m left shaking my head, wondering why no one ever sees these things until it’s too late.

How Douche-y IS He?

Now, I know some of you are thinking, “how can Douche really be as douche-y as Ginger says he is?” Trust me, he IS. He has engaged in so much douche-y behavior, I don’t know how he lives with himself. You know all about the cheating, the lying, the general asshole-iness, but what happened today was completely unforgivable.

He texted my phone to say “Merry Christmas,” which I ignored. I didn’t really expect him to call the boys today, since his calls are very sporadic, and usually spaced a few weeks apart, and he had called a few days ago. So, when he called this afternoon, I was pleasantly surprised for them. They always go into another room when they talk to their dad, and I don’t ever try to pay attention to what’s being said. When they visited him, he was always listening in when I called, and it irked me to no end.

So, they had their chat, each having a little time with Dad, and then they came back downstairs. Little J started being ornery, but I just figured he was tired from getting up so early. He was complaining that this had been the worst Christmas ever (I agreed in my mind, but not out loud) because they couldn’t get Rock Band to work and it was just the three of us. Ouuuuch. That hurt. Big J tried to make him see that it hadn’t been so bad, telling him that their sister and step-sister had only gotten three presents. How did he know that? Because his dad told him. Little J said, “Yeah, because Dad gives all his money to HER (pointing at me), and didn’t have any left over for us.” UH WHAT?!?! And that it’s “your fault that he can’t live with us anymore.” Dagger through the heart, I’m telling ya.

Yeah, so if you don’t believe this man is a complete and total douchebag…he told his CHILDREN that he didn’t have presents for them and couldn’t come and see them on Christmas because he gave all his money to their mother. Not only is it untrue, WHY would you tell children that? On Christmas?! Fucker!

I was already emotional just from everything else going on lately and this made me crumble. I told them that their dad had no right to say things like that and went in my room for a few minutes until I could compose myself. I hate for them to see me cry, especially Big J. A few minutes later, Little J came in and apologized and said something like, “I’m sorry. It’s just that Dad tells me one thing and then you say another one, and I don’t know who to believe.” He was crying at this point, and while I didn’t want to tell him that his dad is a liar, I did say, “Little J. Look at me. Who is here for you every day? Who takes care of you when you’re upset? Think about that.” He just kind of looked at me for a minute, and hugged me.

Once we were both calmed down, I tried to call Douche to give him a piece of my mind. Mainly along the lines of, “you don’t fuck around with the boys,” or something to that effect. Of course, there was no answer at the Douche household.

Luckily, Little J perked up pretty quick because Big J had figured out the problem with the Rock Band game. ROCK BAND TO THE RESCUE!! So, for about 2 hours now, they’ve been playing guitar and drums and rocking out.

It’s been the longest day ever. No lie, I’ve been up and down all day long. It was nice that my parents weren’t here all day. Dinner was very relaxed, and there wasn’t anyone griping about the proper way to hold a fork or telling the kids to sit up straight. E and her husband stayed for a few hours, and I was happy to have time with them.

Luckily, right now is good. My boys are singing “Mississippi Queen” and it’s so cute and funny. Hopefully in the next few days, I’ll get a little video of them playing and post it. I’m really glad that I get to have them around all the time, even if they drive me crazy at least once a day.

Good Tidings

Happy holidays, you guys. I hope you’re having a good time no matter what you’re all doing today. I’ve been up for about 4 hours now, having been woken up by an excited Little J at 7 a.m. on the dot to come watch them open presents. He even climbed in my bed and snuggled for a few minutes, it was so sweet.

All day yesterday was spent indoors, due to the bad weather. This meant the boys were bouncing off the walls most of the day. We watched a few holiday movies, played a couple of games, finished decorating the cookies. By 10, they were ready to go to bed, so Santa could come. My head had been hurting all day long, and by the time I got them tucked in, it was a full-blown migraine.

I was holding off on taking any medicine, because I wasn’t sure if I would be driving across town to attend midnight mass. E never called, so I finally took something, turned off the lights and had a quick chat with Honey and then with Nova. I wasn’t tired at all, despite not having much sleep all week.

I curled up in a ball, pressed a pillow to my throbbing temple, and prayed for sleep. My mind was racing, all the things that I want to say, that I need to say, all coming through so clearly. Why is it that things come so clearly when all you want to do is go blank? Finally drifted off at some point, because I was snoozing good with Little J came bouncing in.

We got Big J up, I grabbed my camera, and “OOOH what’s in our stockings? Is this your present or my present? Whose name is on that?!” They got Rock Band from Santa, lots of University of Texas gear from Douche’s family, a few games they had asked for, some nerf guns, and of course, new toothbrushes! I was lucky enough to get some really nice things this year. I think the best thing I got was a James Avery necklace from my dad.

Once all the wrapping paper was picked up and breakfast had been eaten, I came down to the basement to set up the Rock Band game. It didn’t take long, and we were ready to rock! Unfortunately, for some reason, the game won’t read in the Wii. Not sure what the problem is, but I am completely frustrated! I guess I’ll have to fiddle with it after dinner.

E and her husband are coming to eat with us, which was a nice surprise. I’ll have to go up and start cooking soon. Hopefully the boys won’t kill each other today, they’ve already been separated once. I see naps in our future, or at least some “quiet time” in their rooms. I know Mommy sure could use a nap.

Have a great day, guys. Love to you!

‘Tis The Day Before Christmas

And I have done nothing today. I’m still wearing pajamas at 1:30 in the afternoon. This is highly unusal for me, as I usually get dressed as soon as I wake up, before I even come out of my room. The boys are still in their jammies, as well.

The past few days, they haven’t been able to go outside and play because it’s been so bitterly cold, and now today it’s warmer, but raining, so no playing outdoors today, either. I always let them open one present on Christmas Eve, and since there’s not much to do, I went ahead and let them pick one to open. Little J opened his little digital camera and has been shooting away. Big J opened up a new mp3 player and is downloading his music right now. I’m catching up on your blogs, and pretty much trying to distract myself.

When E was here yesterday, I told her I really wanted to attend a church service tonight. We were always very active in our (Methodist) church growing up, and my favorite service all year was the candlelight one on Christmas Eve. She said that she and her husband might go to midnight mass, so I may tag along with them. I’m longing for the peace that you seem to find best in a sanctuary.

I didn’t get much sleep last night, and when I did there were bad dreams. I kept waking up and being totally awake, mind racing. I’m so tired. Tired of being sad, tired of being lonely, and most of all tired of being good to people who aren’t good back.

Down with 2008! Here’s wishing for a much better year to come for us all, with fingers crossed and hope in our hearts.

Hurt

What do you do when someone has hurt you very bad, and you’re not sure they even realize it? There is someone I’ve known, not for very long, but someone I like a whole lot. This person gave me hope not too long ago, more hope than I’d had in a while, and then all of a sudden, kind of disappeared.

While I can understand their reasoning, at least in part, the distance is growing such that I fear that it will be impossible to bridge if and when this person decides that they are ready. I haven’t pushed the issue because I feel it would be a mistake, that I would most certainly lose out on something that could be wonderful.

There are mixed signals that I’m unable to decipher, and I am left feeling hurt, disappointed, and sad. Do I cut the cord completely? Risk possibly making a stupid mistake because I’m hurt right now? Or do I just sit tight and hope that things work out? I don’t have a clue. Not knowing how the other person is feeling about it doesn’t help. I normally have tons of patience, but it’s starting to wear thin.

What do you do when your head is telling you to let it go, you deserve more than what you’re getting right now, and your heart is telling you to wait it out, good things will come if you just wait a little bit longer?

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say. Right now all I want is Honeywine to be here to hug me and let me cry all over her because I am so confused. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to the idea of this person, or even if I should.

I’m growing tired of this game.

Totally Music Tuesday

I stayed up half the night listening to music on YouTube. It started off with a list of the best songs of the year from Rolling Stone magazine. One song led to another, and I found this one. Beautiful. Here’s to being free of the past.