I Am Now The Proud Owner of a Willie Nelson T-Shirt

Whew, am I tired! First of all, the worry and uncertainty I felt a few days ago is gone, and I’m feeling very much relieved. Last night was the big concert with Big J.

We went to see Willie Nelson play here in town, and the opening band was Billy Bob Thorton and the Boxmasters. The Boxmasters were amazing musicians, and totally rocked. Billy Bob…we couldn’t really understand him when he was singing. It was still enjoyable and he told a few funny stories. Then it was time for Willie!!!

We were cramped in our seats like sardines, but BOY were we excited! I have to mention now that there were many, many, many old people there. There were a few young’uns as well, but mainly we were amongst the elderly. We were sitting in the balcony on the left side, and got a glimpse of Willie before he came out onstage, which was really exciting. Then, when they started playing, down came a ginormous Texas flag. Of course I had to take a picture of it!

Now, I saw him in concert once as a little girl. It was in the Houston Astrodome during the rodeo, and he was touring with The Highwaymen, which included Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, and Kris Kristofferson. He is still a showman, and sang all of his well-known songs. He seemed to be enjoying every minute, too. I nearly cried when he sang “Always On My Mind.” It’s one of my favorite songs, and he killed it. He brought the house down when he sang “I’ll Fly Away.” He threw his hat and three different bandannas into the crowd, and after the show signed autographs and took pictures with people who were sitting in the front row. It was a great show, and a night spent with my son that neither of us will ever forget.

Here’s a video of Willie singing “Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground,” another one of my favorites.

Bonus! I got to see Lord Swank both yesterday and today, and possibly tomorrow! WOOHOO! Oh, and I have a new name, it’s Lady Evangeline Swank. Classy, eh? Well, I like it, anyway. Sometime in between goofing off on the computer and Christmas decorating, I have to finish one novel and get through another, and begin planning a 7-10 page paper that’s due on Wednesday on first said novel. Geez, I am so ready for a break from school, only 2 more weeks!

Disappointment

One of my biggest problems in life is I get disappointed easily.  It may not be intentional, but it’s happened a lot.  I get my hopes up, and then there’s a huge let down.  It’s been that way since I was a little girl.  If my parents told us we were going to go do something and it didn’t happen, I would get really upset and angry. 

Nowadays, it doesn’t happen too often.  I know this is an issue for me, so I try to let things roll off my back. My friends don’t say they’ll call unless they will, they don’t make plans they don’t keep.  If they do these kinds of things…they aren’t my friend for too long.  I don’t subscribe to the insincere compliment, I either say something I mean or I keep my trap shut.  I’d rather not have people give me empty promises, know what I’m saying?  So, when I feel as though someone has done these things (even if they are unaware of doing it), I get completely disappointed.  All kinds of emotions pop up, and I feel totally irrational.   

I think the last time I was VERY disappointed was when The Crazy One was supposed to come to my sister’s wedding.  I was the maid of honor, and he told me he would be there to watch me walk down the aisle.  When the time came, I just couldn’t wait to see his face when he saw me in my beautiful dress.  However, he wasn’t there.  He hadn’t even called me to let me know he wasn’t coming.  After the ceremony, I called him, freaking out because I thought something must’ve happened to him.  Nope, he just “couldn’t do it.” 

So, I lied and told everyone he had car trouble.  Covering up for others is something I’m pretty good at, after years with Douche.  I plastered a smile on my face and remembered that the day was about my sister.  When I went home that night, though, I cried into my pillow.  How could he let me down like that?  I don’t want to have to cover up for anyone anymore, though.  I’ve been let down so many times that even seemingly insignificant things can trigger the same kinds of feelings, and it sucks ass.

Right now, I’m feeling very let down, and stupid for feeling that way. Whether it’s wrong or right, it is what it is.

Happy Thanksgiving

Grateful

It’s that time of year again.  It’s freezing, there’s snow on the ground and ice on the windshield.  Family is a-comin’ and you best have the house clean before tomorrow!  In other words, I have been cleaning for about the past 3 hours straight.  At least I don’t really have to do any of the cooking!  It’s been about 3 years since I made a full Thanksgiving meal.  Last year, we were here and my mom, aunt, and step-grandmother did all the cooking, and the year before that, it was just the boys and me, so we had a small dinner. 

When I had my own place, we would have all of the single soldiers or those who didn’t have family nearby over to our house for dinner.  I really enjoyed doing that, even though it could get stressful beforehand.  I love the idea of having a house full of friends and family (at least the ones you like) just enjoying everyone’s company.  I miss that!

So, what am I thankful for?  First of all, my boys.  We’ve had a rough year, but we are okay.  They are strong and healthy and help me remember to have fun.  I’m thankful that we don’t have to live on welfare because my parents took us in.  I know I complain about my mother a lot, but I do recognize what she does for us.

I’m thankful that I’m finally back in school and on the way to my future.  I feel like I am doing exactly what I should be doing right now, and that is a good feeling.  I’m overjoyed that I will have a new neice or nephew in the spring, a new baby to play with and cuddle and kiss and coo over.  I am grateful that I get to watch my sister become a mother, actually that I was able to do that with both of my sisters.  That’s pretty amazing considering all the moving around we’ve all done. 

I am beyond thankful for my friends, especially Honeywine, and Bekki, and of course, all of you.  When I started this blog, I was mainly doing it because Honey told me to.  It became my catharsis, and has helped me to befriend people who are oceans away (I’m looking at you, Penelope and DutchBitch!).  I love reading your funny stories and, yes, also the ones that make me cry.

Last but not least, I am thankful that I met Lord Swank.  I wasn’t looking for him, but I found him all the same.  He was a happy surprise, and there hasn’t been a day since I met him that I haven’t been thankful I did.  That may seem sappy and hokey, but I don’t give a flying rat’s ass!  I AM sappy and hokey, and I like it that way!  A lot of dreams died along with my marriage.  Lately, though, I’m allowing myself to believe that maybe…just maybe some of them will still come true.

What are y’all thankful for?  C’mon, even if you don’t celebrate, tell me anyway!

Totally Terry Tuesday

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it here, but Reno 911! is one of my most favorite t.v. shows evah.  It is completely re-donk-ulous, and the characters are awesome.  Here is a montage of the character named Terry, who isn’t one of the main players, but he’s on a lot.  He’s played by Nick Swordson.  Enjoy!

Weird Dreams

I totally meant to write about this yesterday, but I forgot.  On Friday night when I was at Lord Swank’s joint sleeping, I had two really weird, vivid dreams. 

The first one was more of a nightmare, actually.  In it, Lord Swank kept getting letters from his ex-wife and was showing them to me.  It seemed she wanted to get back together with him and he was actually starting to consider it.  YIKES!  On the bright side, though, when I woke up and told him about it, he laughed and assured me that would never, ever happen. 

In the second one, I was dating Travis Barker.  We were shopping at Wal-Mart and I saw his ex-wife, Shanna Moakler walking toward us and I freaked. 

Apparently, I’m afraid of ex-wives.  Any other meanings y’all want to attribute to the weirdness of my dreams?

Wait…Tomorrow’s Monday?!?!

Another Sunday and the weekend has gone by way too fast.  I didn’t have my usual test on Friday, just a lecture, and was able to go spend some time with Lord Swank in the morning after the boys left, before class.  He was still snuggled up warmly in his comfortable bed when I snuck in to wake him up.  Two hours later, I brushed my hair and re-applied make up to go to class.  Hey, I don’t want everyone to know I’ve been up to naughty things…

I went to class and took notes, then came home and got some things done here.  My mom had agreed to babysit for me, so I was basically just killing time until she got home so I could head back over to Lord Swank’s place for the night.  (YAY!)  When she FINALLY got home, I was all packed and ready to go.  Unfortunately, the roads were slick and icy, and I bumped into the curb at an intersection.  I was going really slow, so no major damage, but it still pissed me right off.  The exact same thing happened last year, and it caused over $400 worth of damage.  GRRRR. 

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes, Lord Swank’s lair.  I made it there without further incident and walked in on him cleaning.  Yes, ladies, he was CLEANING.  Actually dusting his bedroom furniture.  It was totally cute.  We ended up going to grab some pizza and played Guitar Hero for a loooong time.  T’was lots of fun.  I still suck at it, but I’m improving!  I love being around him, and especially being in his arms.  I hated having to get up in the morning and come home.  I had to take the boys to their self defense class and he was going to go freeze his ass off at the Notre Dame football game. 

Once we got home, I kind of just veg-ed out the rest of the evening.  I knew Lord Swank wouldn’t be home for a while, and I didn’t have anywhere to go or anything important to do, so I caught up on the dvr-ed episodes of True Blood and Saturday Night Live. 

I did get a weird text yesterday, though.  It was from The Crazy One.  He sent one on Friday that said, “how’s life?”  I really wanted to message back ”things are wonderful, actually, and thanks for asking,” but I knew that it would just encourage him to keep texting, so I didn’t.  Yesterday’s text was even weirder.  It said, “I got what I deserved.  Karma is a bitch.  Don’t worry I got paid back in full.”  Ho-kaaaay.  Weird, right?  First of all, I didn’t wish for anything bad to happen to him.  Second of all, the fact that he is upset is not MY problem, and it’s also not my responsibility to  make him feel better.  GAH! 

The boys also called Douche yesterday because they hadn’t heard from him in several weeks and he’s supposed to be moving soon.  He told them he has to be in Alaska in 8 weeks.  They are already clearing post in Georgia, so I guess they’ll be traveling for a while.  Not to see the boys, though, because “we don’t have enough money for that.”  There are so many reasons this pisses me off, not the least of which is that they are going to go to Texas for Thanksgiving to show off their new baby, but he can’t be bothered to come and see his other children, who he hasn’t seen since August!  He didn’t even ask if they could take the boys with them for Thanksgiving.  I would have let them go. 

I’m determined to end on a happy note, though, so I will tell you that I am totally enjoying my fella.  He is such a wonderful man, and I feel entirely safe with him.  He is the reason that all of these other (potentially bad) things seem inconsequential to me and the reason I am smiling at this very moment.  I am hoping against hope that he is as good as he seems, and I’m pretty sure he won’t disappoint me.

Trials

Last night was long.  I had taken a short nap in the afternoon because I was completely wiped out, so I was still up at midnight when Little J came stumbling into my room, crying because his ear hurt.  Now, he’d told me yesterday when he got home from school that his ear was hurting a little, so I had planned on making an appointment with his regular doctor.  When your child is in pain, though, the only thing you want to do is MAKE IT STOP!

I figured I could take him to an urgent care clinic (there’s one about 5 minutes from our house), but knew that there were strict rules for the military insurance that the boys have.  So, I called the insurance company, asking where I could take him that would be covered.  The lady asked for his information, and his dad’s info, then proceeded to inform me that she could not release any information whatsoever to me because my kids were listed as living with Douche.  Do you believe that?!  I have a sick child, and she can’t give me information about MY OWN CHILDREN’S medical coverage!!!  Apparently, their legal department needs a copy of our divorce decree stating that I have full physical custody of the boys. 

So, I had to get online and search for places to take him.  There wasn’t an urgent care clinic covered within 40 miles of us, so I had to actually take him to the emergency room.  I figured it would be a long night of waiting, but luckily we were able to get right back.  The doctor checked him out and, yes, he has an ear infection.  We got his perscription and got home at about 1:30 a.m.  The poor baby was exhausted.  We climbed into bed and slept until 6, when I got up to make sure Big J was ready for school.  Once he was out the door, I went back to sleep for about an hour, then MADE myself get up and go to class.  One good thing about my step-dad working nights is that he’s here during the day if the boys are home.  Little J woke up right before I left and seemed to be feeling better already.  I made it to class 30 minutes late, but I made it!

This was one of those times where I thought to myself, “you know, it must be really nice for Douche that he doesn’t have to deal with these kinds of things.”  Even when we were married, if the kids were sick, I took care of it.  If anything went wrong, I took care of it.  I sometimes get angry that when he gets to see the boys, it’s all about having fun.  I have to deal with all the messes and fights and tantrums.  Then I remember that I get to see all the accomplishments and tender moments, too.  Things he rarely gets. 

It didn’t help that I was already pissed off at him before all this happened.  I finally received the alimony check for November yesterday, and once again it only had my first name on it.  My full name was on the envelope…hmmm.  I just don’t understand the point of that at all.  Is that supposed to mean I shouldn’t still have his last name?  Also, the check was dated the 4th, but it had been mailed on the 14th.  Okay, so you were holding onto it because…?  THEN I got a text from him asking for a friend’s phone number.  This family were “our” friends/family for years, but when he left the boys and me, they didn’t want to have anything else to do with him.  They’ve told me he’s emailed them, but they have just ignored it so far.  I emailed them his number and ignored the text.  If they want to get in touch, they will. 

The reason this made me so angry is that this family lives near our families that live in Texas.  I’m pretty sure that Douche and C*nt are going to Texas for Thanksgiving to show off the new baby, INSTEAD of trying to see the boys before they move.  He had told the boys in the summer that he wouldn’t have a chance to see them for a very long time, but he can go do other things.  I’m sorry, but your children should be number one, no matter who their mother is.  He hasn’t even called them for weeks.  Hence, why he’s a douchebag.

Anyhow, Lord Swank is here so I’m out!

Trust

Today I had an exam in my second class of the day, so I brought my laptop along with me to surf the interwebs while I was waiting for the next class to start.  Good idea, right?  Except for some reason, I can’t get the wireless internet provided by the school to work with my computer.  It’s connected, but only locally, so I can’t get outside the damn server.  GRRR!  So, I supposed I ought to actually write a real post, since I’ve been slacking for a while. 

Last night, I gave Lord Swank the address for the blog.  I have been thinking of doing it for a while, but was kind of afraid to since it’s basically like giving someone the key to my soul.  (I’m so dramatic!)  I write mostly when I’m upset about something because it makes me feel better.  It helps me to sort out my feelings and thoughts and, more importantly, it helps me to understand myself better – my strengths and weaknesses, my fears and motivations.  I was sort of afraid that His Swankness might be scared off by some of the darker posts, so I copied a few and emailed them to him.  He wasn’t scared.  Then I was worried that maybe he would feel weird about reading what I had written about The Crazy One or Douche.  The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that he probably wouldn’t. 

The other day when talking to Dr. W, he said something that really stuck with me.  He had asked me to give him some examples of things that I didn’t like about Sir Swank.  I couldn’t think of anything to say, other than that he gets grumpy when he’s really hungry.  The Doc reminded me how important it is for us to see each other’s faults, and how it would be really nice if we could interview each other’s exes.  If this blog doesn’t give examples of my faults, then I don’t know what does!  The point is, going into this with eyes open is important.  The blog is so much a part of me now that I would hate not being able to share it with the “man in my life.”  This is me at my most open and honest.  I need it to be okay that I talk about things about us here.  Not everything, but when I’m happy about something, I want to be able to share it.  Right now, I just want to shout it from the mountaintops how great this guy is, and I want him to know that. 

I’m not sure if he’s checked it out yet, and not sure that he will, but I feel better knowing that I gave him the chance, and also that I trust him enough to give him the permission to peek in on my innermost thoughts. 

The List

When my marriage ended, Honeywine suggested I make a list of the things I wanted in a partner.  I had never thought of that before, but it’s such a great idea.  (I think Karen did a similar post the other day.)  It’s a good way to keep yourself in check, and to remember what it is you truly want.  Sort of a reminder not to “settle.” 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my list and decided to look at it again.  Here’s the (very specific) list I made in May 2007:

MY PARTNER WILL:

RESPECT ME – my love, my thoughts, my feelings

Be loyal and true

Be my partner

Be my friend

Listen and really hear me

Have empathy for others

Be a great father

Love my children

Understand my job/school is important to me, and should be important to him, too

Be honest

Never betray me

Not blame me for his shortcomings

Help around the house & not expect me to do everything

Be a good role model

Take care of me

Never abandon me

Not tell me I’m wrong because of what I’m feeling

Not take me for granted

Be compassionate

Be able to fix things

Lift me up

I don’t think that I’d change anything even now.  Most of these were things that were lacking in my marriage, and things I still hope to have in a partner.  It’s good to know who you are and what you need.  Only when we truly know ourselves first can we achieve true intimacy with another.