So That’s How It Is

There has been a man in my life since last November.  I trusted him, I loved him, I cared for him and listened to him.  I never judged or tried to change him.  I got the same from him.  We split for a short time in May, due to a misunderstanding that got way out of hand, then got back together full-force in July.  We saw each other every day until the boys came home and then at least a few times a week after, and never argued. 

Until I started school.  Now, suddenly, me living with my parents was a huge problem.  He was worried that I would “meet someone who is smarter or has more money” and break up with him.  No amount of reassurance was enough, and he walked away.  I was sad, as you can imagine.  Hurt.  Lost.  Lonely.  One night last week, he sent me a couple of texts.  I was confused, asked him about it, and got no response until the next morning.  Then I got this “explanation”:  “I had a big bust and (Co-worker man) and I went out for a drink and I was a lit.  I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry.”  I asked if the messages had been meant for someone else, and he said no.  He also told me that he was doing better now and was enjoying being alone.  (He was divorced for 7 years and had only had one girlfriend in between his ex and me).  Okay.  Ouch.  I asked him if he thought he would ever be happy with anyone, and he said he guessed he’d have to wait and see.  He reiterated that he was ALONE, and that the only woman in his life would be his dog.

Then, a couple of days later, he texted me that he had another really big bust.  Okay.  Good for you, I’m glad you’re doing well at work.  Me…not so much.  I have been trying desperately to break the habit of texting or emailing him because it only leads to disappointment. 

Today I saw his car and I was overcome by sadness.  I texted him “I still miss you” and really didn’t expect to hear back from him.  10 minutes later he sent, “I’m sorry, but my life’s complicated right now”.  Yeah, who’s isn’t?  I asked him what was going on, figuring maybe something was wrong with his health, or that of his elderly parents.  He texted, “You don’t want to know.”  I knew right away there was someone else, which he confirmed.  It’s only been a few weeks.  How do you go from telling someone you can’t be with them if you can’t be with them every day and night (as in, living together), to seeing someone new in that short a time?  If anyone can answer this one for me, I would appreciate it.  It infuriates me to no end, maybe because a month before Douche left, he wanted to renew our vows and try to have another baby.  Next thing I know he is shacking up with Baby Mama #2 (whose baby was supposed to be born today). 

Bek thinks he may be lying just to get me angry enough to leave him alone.  Could be.  Right now I’m angry and sad and confused and I have a headache from crying.  I honestly have not cried this hard since last October, and that was because Douche had closed our joint checking account, causing all of the checks I’d written for both of our bills to bounce. 

I said I wouldn’t write about this, but I have to.  My heart is broken and if I don’t write about it, I won’t be able to do the school work I have to do, let alone deal with everyone else when they come home.  I didn’t regret my relationship with him until today.  I probably still wouldn’t if I didn’t have this new bit of information.  Now I feel like I wasted a huge amount of time. 

I know I’ll be okay.  I’ll pick myself up and move on like I have done before.  I’ll find someone much more worthy of my time and energy.  I’m a smart girl.  I know these things, and I should have known better than to text.  Better than to let myself get sucked in.  Just should’ve known better.

*Edit – Got another message…”You’re a great person and I didn’t want to hurt you.”  How come that never makes me feel any better?