Bound and Determined

Right now, I am waaaaay down in the dumps.  Like, underneath the dumpster low.  What is it about me that allows others to walk all over me?  What is it in my nature that makes me easy to replace?  Why do I trust those I should not?  All questions I have been thinking today/tonight.  Sounds like a bad melodrama on Telemundo, doesn’t it? 

Here I am, a smart gal, who is trying desperately to get her shit together, not bad lookin’, who is a kind and loving person.  So, tell me again why I have been dumped again?  Well, to hear some folks tell it’s because I “deserve better” than them.  Yes, I have heard this more than once.  That really, “I want you to be happy”.  Heard than a bunch, too. 

Why can’t people be fucking honest before things become a mess?  Why do I give of myself to those kinds of people only to be stepped on when the next thing comes along? 

Here’s the deal.  I won’t change my nature because of this.  I don’t plan on becoming a thoughtless or ruthless woman who only thinks of herself.  What I will try to do is to think of myself MORE than any man.  I got a little bit better at it with this last one, and will do even better when the next one comes along.

I will try and enjoy myself more and not dwell on the past.  I admit this is a hard one for me, not so much in public but in my own space.  I know that a Droopy Dog is not fun to be around.  Honeywine, Bekki, and E are the best at making me feel happy and loved, so I will try to talk to them more.  I will “fake it to make it.”  I have done it before, and it worked pretty well.

In the last year, I have learned to be more outgoing.  I will continue to develop that, even if it kills me.  It just might, you know.  I will not, repeat, WILL NOT allow myself to fall so easily next time, and hopefully be mindful of these times if I start to revert to a school girl.   Apparently, I should not be involved with extremely good-looking men. 

The other day, at the festival, the boys and I were there, along with Bek and her husband, and another teacher I used to work with and her husband.  I realized that I miss so very much that tenderness, that looking out for one another that (some) married couples have.  I did have that once, and I miss it terribly.  Not the man, just the comfort.

So That’s How It Is

There has been a man in my life since last November.  I trusted him, I loved him, I cared for him and listened to him.  I never judged or tried to change him.  I got the same from him.  We split for a short time in May, due to a misunderstanding that got way out of hand, then got back together full-force in July.  We saw each other every day until the boys came home and then at least a few times a week after, and never argued. 

Until I started school.  Now, suddenly, me living with my parents was a huge problem.  He was worried that I would “meet someone who is smarter or has more money” and break up with him.  No amount of reassurance was enough, and he walked away.  I was sad, as you can imagine.  Hurt.  Lost.  Lonely.  One night last week, he sent me a couple of texts.  I was confused, asked him about it, and got no response until the next morning.  Then I got this “explanation”:  “I had a big bust and (Co-worker man) and I went out for a drink and I was a lit.  I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry.”  I asked if the messages had been meant for someone else, and he said no.  He also told me that he was doing better now and was enjoying being alone.  (He was divorced for 7 years and had only had one girlfriend in between his ex and me).  Okay.  Ouch.  I asked him if he thought he would ever be happy with anyone, and he said he guessed he’d have to wait and see.  He reiterated that he was ALONE, and that the only woman in his life would be his dog.

Then, a couple of days later, he texted me that he had another really big bust.  Okay.  Good for you, I’m glad you’re doing well at work.  Me…not so much.  I have been trying desperately to break the habit of texting or emailing him because it only leads to disappointment. 

Today I saw his car and I was overcome by sadness.  I texted him “I still miss you” and really didn’t expect to hear back from him.  10 minutes later he sent, “I’m sorry, but my life’s complicated right now”.  Yeah, who’s isn’t?  I asked him what was going on, figuring maybe something was wrong with his health, or that of his elderly parents.  He texted, “You don’t want to know.”  I knew right away there was someone else, which he confirmed.  It’s only been a few weeks.  How do you go from telling someone you can’t be with them if you can’t be with them every day and night (as in, living together), to seeing someone new in that short a time?  If anyone can answer this one for me, I would appreciate it.  It infuriates me to no end, maybe because a month before Douche left, he wanted to renew our vows and try to have another baby.  Next thing I know he is shacking up with Baby Mama #2 (whose baby was supposed to be born today). 

Bek thinks he may be lying just to get me angry enough to leave him alone.  Could be.  Right now I’m angry and sad and confused and I have a headache from crying.  I honestly have not cried this hard since last October, and that was because Douche had closed our joint checking account, causing all of the checks I’d written for both of our bills to bounce. 

I said I wouldn’t write about this, but I have to.  My heart is broken and if I don’t write about it, I won’t be able to do the school work I have to do, let alone deal with everyone else when they come home.  I didn’t regret my relationship with him until today.  I probably still wouldn’t if I didn’t have this new bit of information.  Now I feel like I wasted a huge amount of time. 

I know I’ll be okay.  I’ll pick myself up and move on like I have done before.  I’ll find someone much more worthy of my time and energy.  I’m a smart girl.  I know these things, and I should have known better than to text.  Better than to let myself get sucked in.  Just should’ve known better.

*Edit – Got another message…”You’re a great person and I didn’t want to hurt you.”  How come that never makes me feel any better?

Sunshine Day

We had an awful lot of fun yesterday, way more than I expected.  Seeing the boys enjoying themselves so much made me feel a million times better than I have in a while. 

We started off at around 12:30, and headed to Burger King for lunch.  I knew there would be lots of food at the festival, but I also know how much that food costs, so I was hoping the boys would be sated by burgers for at least a few hours.

The drive to Niles takes about 35 minutes or so, and the boys were perfectly behaved in the car, listening to my mp3 player and looking out the windows.  I had been to the town before, but only for very specific reasons, so didn’t know where anything was.  I figured I would just follow traffic and crowds and find my way.  We parked at a diner (there were people and cars everywhere) and followed some folks.  It turns out there was a parade about to start (bonus!), so we found a shady spot to watch the festivities.  I don’t especially love parades or anything, but my friend Bekki and her husband weren’t supposed to be there for another 2 hours, and I knew it would be good for keeping the boys from getting impatient.  This was an especially good parade, though.  There were tons of cool old cars, lots of apples, and of course, CANDY!!!!  Here are some of the pictures from the parade (I have tons):

Minions of Death

SHRINERS!!!  Need I say more?

My boys and me

Totally cool, awesome, super-duper cars

 

And two random sightings…

 

There was just so much to see, and we really love the classic cars.  Once the (very long) parade was over, we made our way through the 15 or so blocks to the fairgrounds.  Luckily, we took the car.  We parked and began our trek across the field towards the yummy smells.  Bekki met up with us and the boys were ready to RIDE!

They chose to ride this one first.  It’s the one that flies up way up high and then drops you in a “free fall.”  Does Little J look a little worried?

Once they got off this one, they went around to the other rides…the Zipper, the Gravitron, all were no match for the J’s.  They even went through the house of mirrors, which was pretty darn hilarious considering Little J walked right into the wall once.

We even watched a beard and mustache contest!  (Bek was judging.)

Now it was FINALLY time to eat.  Unfortunately, I was so hungry I didn’t take pictures of dinner before we ate it.  Big J and I had chicken on a stick with rice.  It was delish.  Little J went the safe route and had pizza.  Then came dessert.  Big J picked a candy apple, Little J wanted an ice cream cone, and I chose an apple dumpling.  I was kind of disappointed in the lack of apple-y treats.  Mostly there was just standard fair fare.  I remembered to take pictures of dessert, but we had to walk a long way and by the time we got to the table, Big J had already eaten his apple and the ice cream was somewhat melted.  Here they are anyway:

Not very pretty, but oh so yummy.

We stayed all the way until the fireworks were over.  I think we got back to the car at about 9:30, and home around 10.  We were all tired, but everyone kept saying what a good day it was.  It was really nice to spend a whole day out with my little family.  It was a nice reminder that we are a family, the three of us.  Laisser le bon temps roulez!

Family Fun Day

I had a blast visiting with my peeps yesterday at lunch.  They made me laugh like I haven’t laughed in weeks, especially Bek-ster.  She’s great like that.  I love her for this!  Little J has been wanting to get together with her son lately, so she suggested we come to the Apple Festival in Niles, Michigan with them tomorrow. 

At first I thought, “damn, every time I take them somewhere like that I always end up spending waaaaay too much money.”  Then I remembered that we haven’t really done anything super fun like going to the fair in a very long time.  They were gone a big chunk of the summer, and since school started, the most exciting things we’ve done are going to the big park near the zoo and to the movies a couple of times.  I think they deserve a fun day with Mom, plus it will get them out of the house and it will be quiet for my step-dad to sleep. 

Plus, I’ll get to hang with Bek all day long, and that’s definitely a plus!  I told the boys last night, once I had checked the bank balance to be sure I had enough money available to go, and they are terribly excited about riding all the rides.  I myself don’t like roller coasters, or most fair-type rides, except for the tilt-a-whirl.  I’m scared of heights!  So, my big plan is enjoying the apple goodies.  I think my favorite dessert is apple crisp.  Yum. 

I’ll try to remember to take my camera so I can get some shots of the boys and me.  Hey, I’ll even have a friend there to take some pictures of all three of us together!

Those Darn Whippersnappers!

Apparently, Big J is a little Mack Daddy.  At 12, he already looks like at least a freshman in high school, 5′7″ tall, with broad shoulders and a very handsome face.  Apparently, 7th and 8th grade girls love this look.  It doesn’t matter that he’s socially inept most of the time, the girls adore him. 

In the past week alone, I have found no less than three notes from three different girls in his pants when I put them in the washer.  Hey, they’re fair game…I’ve told him repeatedly to check his pockets before the pants go into the laundry basket.  I always give them back to him, and remind him again to check the pockets as soon as he takes them off.  I never go snooping in his room, and don’t plan to.

All of these notes have included some variation of the question “do you like me?”.  Luckily, they seem pretty harmless, but it is still worrisome.  When I ask him about them, he says, “Mom, (insert eye roll here) THEY like ME!  I can’t help it!”  To which I reply, “Well, honey, that’s okay, but you don’t want to cause fights or anything.”  Was that a twinkle in his eye?  Surely not.  Do they make chastity belts for boys?

It’s All Right to Cry, Crying Gets the Sad Out of You

It might make you feel better.  At least that’s what Rosey Grier told me when I watched Free to Be You and Me as a young’un.  That song has been going through my mind all day, along with a general feel of unease.  I don’t allow myself to cry very much anymore, because there are simply too many people around here who would ask questions.  Questions that I don’t know how to answer. 

I honestly don’t have too much to be sad about, just one really big thing that I can’t talk about here because I made a promise not to.  Note to self:  don’t ever promise that to anyone again.  This started out as the one place where I could write about anything and everything, good or bad, with no fear of anyone getting hurt or mad, but now I can’t write about what is really bothering me.  Damn, damn, double damn. 

I feel like everything is out of control and one of the relationships that made me happy before is a mess.  I know that doesn’t make much sense, and I’m sorry.  I’m hoping that at least writing cryptically about things will help me shake this uneasy feeling. 

I want to be excited about things again, excited about life, the future, about everything.  I know it will happen, I know.  It takes time.  If Honeywine had her way, it would also take a flurry of men.  That’s not me, though.  I’m sure there will be a man someday, but I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever find what I thought I already had (does that make sense?).  Shit, I sound like a damn 50-year-old woman who’s been divorced three times.  Slap me, please?

I’m going to have lunch tomorrow with my girlfriends from my previous job, I’m sure that will do some good.  My Bekki can always make me laugh.  She’s my wonder twin.  I think I am also going to go and talk to one of the apartment complexes that has income guidelines.  I have a friend who lives there, and they are nice.  I’m not sure how low the rent would be, but I know I need to go and find out.  I need to do something before I lose my mind!

By the way, I’m totally procrastinating when I should be studying for my test tomorrow.

Eat It Up

It’s no secret that I’ve been a bit…stressed lately.  When I get stressed (read:  stressed, not depressed) I eat more.  I still eat the same at meals, but at night I dive into my secret stash of sweets.  It’s not really a secret, but it’s in my room, so that’s what I call it.  In other words, MINE all MINE!  When everything’s going well, I’ll take a piece here and there, but not daily.  For the last few weeks, I’ve gone through a lot more than usual.  In other words, I just realized that I eat my feelings (gulp).   It’s not healthy and certainly not good for my waistline!  So, I ask you, dears, what do you do when you get stressed?  Do you hide out?  Do you yell at everyone?  Do you meditate?  What?

Ah Geez

Good morning!  Happy Monday!  Another glorious week begins!  Just kidding.  Mondays suck ass.  I hope yours is going well, though!  I’ll be in class all day long, counting the minutes till I can be home again, most likely to do homework.  Yippy skippy!  I know I sound like Eeyore lately and I’m sorry for that.  I promise you, I am not like that in real life, but I give myself more freedom for moping here in the internet.  I’ll try to be more fun, though.  Here are a few things you probably don’t know about me.  Maybe you don’t want to, but I’m gonna tell ya anyhow.

I am left-handed.  For some reason, I am proud of this, and always notice other lefties right away.

I graduated from high school when I was 16 years old.  With honors.  And a baby.  (No, my real name is NOT Jamie-Lynn!)

I went to school the whole time I was pregnant, until about 2 weeks before the baby was born, and returned 6 weeks after.  I did homeschooling for the 6 weeks after, then went back. 

I did this by working my ass off, with little encouragement from my school counselor, going to regular school during the day, and college classes at night in order to meet my credit requirements for graduation.  Thank God my parents didn’t kill me (or Douche) and my mother was actually my greatest supporter at this time.  I even remember her telling the counselor off once for discouraging me from graduating early!

I moved away from everything I knew when I had just turned 18, and became an Army wife.

I still looked like I was about 13. 

I was done having my children by the time I was 19.

I thought I would be married until I died.

I’ve taken classes at 5 different colleges in the past 12 years.  I still don’t have my degree yet.

I never regretted any of these things until Douche left us.  Then I was in a world of regret.

I also never thought of myself as strong until Douche left us.  Now I know I am.

I am a good  great friend.  I’ll laugh with you or cry with you, or even both at the same time! 

I’m a pretty darn good Mom, too.  My boys are evidence of that.

I adore books.  All kinds of books.  I hate that when I’m in school I don’t have time to read for fun.

My favorite author is Stephen King, followed by Chuck Palauniuk.  I devour their novels. 

Heart-Shaped Box (by Joe Hill) was the best, most engrossing book I’ve read in a very long time.  I hear they’re making a movie.  I hope it doesn’t suck.

I love horror (not slasher) films, but won’t watch them alone because I get scared.

I love hard.  If I love someone, they know it.

I love country music (I know you already knew that).

I keep a journal and would just die a thousand deaths if anyone ever read it.

I have become more outgoing since my divorce, and also more confident.

I barely spoke before I was about 2 years old, and then it was usually only to my mother.

I used to be called Baby Doll by someone.  It always made me melt.

I get a kick out of midwestern accents, and giggle (even if it’s just inside) every time someone says, “Ah geez” or asks if I want a “pop.” 

It’s okay, because they laugh at me when I say “y’all” or “I’m fixin’ to.”

I once got a blue ribbon in a One Act Play competition.

I used to play the snare drum and/or cymbals in my school’s marching band.  My mother made me be in band, I swear!

I can’t stand it when people say “Bob and I” instead of “Bob and me” when captioning a picture.

The movie Crybaby is one of my favorites.  Johnny Depp is a god.

When I was about 7 or 8, I had a poster of Patrick Swayze from Dirty Dancing on my door.  It stayed there until I was probably 11 or so, when it was replaced by magazine posters of Kurt Cobain, Axl Rose, Sebastian Bach, Edward Furlong (the kid from Terminator 2), and other such boys.  The only one I’m embarassed about now is Edward Furlong. 

I am a middle child.

I love swimming.  There’s nothing better on a hot day than diving into a pool.

I’m afraid my boys will grow up to be liars like their dad.

I’m doing my best to make sure that doesn’t happen.

I’m scared of being alone.

I can be an incredible ditz from time to time.

When I was in middle school, I was at my friends’ houses more than I was at home.

I’m a 7 generation Texan.  It kind of makes me a little sad that Little J wasn’t born there, but in Georgia.

I’m good at driving a stick shift.  That should come in handy when I get that Corvette I’ve always wanted (riiiight).

I am interesting in “weird” things like Tarot cards and pendulums.

My sister and I share an almost psychic connection.

I love vintage pin-up photos and graphics.

I enjoy celebrity gossip.

I am a Cancer, and have very Cancer-like qualities.

For some reason that sentence reminded me of this line from Urban Cowboy:  “Daddy’s in oil, and all that that implies.”

 

Okay, way more than you ever wanted to know, right?  So, tell me about you.  Give me five facts about yourself.  C’mon…

I’ve Been Pimped

Well, Dutch-a-pimped.  Relax, relax…my pal DutchBitch pimped me out on her blog yesterday.  Woohoo!  They say you always remember your first time…

One Last Neighbor Nightmare

 

A while back, I told y’all a series of stories about the unusually high number of horrible neighbors I’ve had over the years.  I have one more.  It’s really not my story, this one actually belongs to Honeywine, but I have her permission to tell it.

A couple of years ago, Honeywine and I both lived in Louisiana, at Fort Polk.  She was newly married, and had just moved into military housing when her husband was shipped of to Iraq.  We had been friends for a few months, after meeting at a party where we were the odd ones out.  We got together every once in a while and just hung out and watched movies and stuff.  It was all good.

Then HoBag came along.  HoBag lived in the apartment underneath Honey’s.  She had a daughter who was 3 (if I remember right), and stayed home with her all day.  She was from Guam, or one of those other islands out in the Pacific.  She seemed nice enough, and before long, she was included in our “girls nights.”  There were times when she’d say something and I’d think, “what the hell is wrong with you?” and times when I felt that she was jealous of the friendship Honey and I had, but she was okay.  More and more, though, HoBag was around.  Her husband was deployed shortly after Honey’s was, and Honey felt like she had to look after HoBag and her young daughter. 

Not long after HoBag came along, my family and I moved to Georgia.  Honey and I still talked at least once a week, though.  Along with HoBag, Honey was able to meet more ladies through her Family Readiness Group (they help families during deployments…and as far as I can tell, give the wives something to do outside the house once a week).  Honey started to get out more, and she seemed to have a pretty good group of friends.  They all had young children, and since Honey loves kiddos, she didn’t mind watching the kids here and there.  As time went by, HoBag was depending on Honey to babysit.  A lot.  For long peroids of time.  This child was still in diapers, for crying out loud.  Honey decided she needed to distance herself from HoBag since she was being taken advantage of.  Once HoBag realized she couldn’t walk all over Honey, she turned completely against her, and also ruined all of the other fragile friendships she had made. 

It started as just little slights.  Everyone had a MySpace page, and some of them deleted her from their friends.  No big deal, but she felt like the high school girl tuba player who had become the target of the homecoming queen.  One of the girls in the group had not deleted her, though, and HoBag was using her page to get to Honey’s.  She and I had commented back and forth about the situation, and HoBag used it as fuel. 

Apparently, she spent all of her free time scheming about how to ruin Honey’s life.  First, she turned the other girls in the group against her.  Who knows how she did it, but it was done.  She would play her surround sound television set at all hours, knowing that Honey could hear it upstairs.  She would have the other girls over, knowing Honey would be hurt.  One afternoon, military police officers knocked on Honey’s door.  Now, if you are a military spouse, the scariest thing you can imagine is to see 2 men in uniform at your door, especially if your husband is in a war zone.  They were called for a noise complaint.  By HoBag.  She told them that Honey was playing her music really loud, even though the MP’s could hear that it was very low.  They told Honey just to make sure she kept it down, and left.

A week or two later, MP’s were at her door again.  This time, it was the middle of the night.  Honey was awoken to pounding on her door.  When she opened the door in her nightgown, they told her that her neighbor had called and said she was making all kinds of noise, banging on the floor, playing music really loud, etc.  She assured them that, no, she couldn’t have been because SHE WAS ASLEEP! 

Then, HoBag even came after me.  Me, who lived 700 miles away.  Bitch was crazy.  After the second MP incident, I was so angry and frustrated because I was so far away and Honey was down there dealing with this all alone.  Her husband was gone, and she didn’t know what HoBag was capable of.  So, in my frustration, I posted a blog on my MySpace page about what was going on.  The next day, one of HoBag’s friends (and Honey’s former friend) left a terrible comment, laced with f-bombs and other not-so-nice words, basically saying I didn’t know what I was talking about and should shut up.  I had never even met this person. 

After this, Honey pretty much stayed inside her apartment all the time.  It was scary.  She even got notified by the MP’s that HoBag came in and told them that Honey was harassing her online, and had brought in print outs from comments we had made on OUR pages about her.  To be honest, we never used her name, and we never said anything too bad or threatening or anything.  The MP’s knew she was a quack, but they couldn’t really do anything, so Honey just tried her best to avoid her. 

As soon as Honey’s hubby got home from Iraq, he was done with his active duty service, so they moved back out to the country and far away from HoBag.  She heard through the grapevine that HoBag moved to Washington state.  I think Honey learned a very valuable lesson about being friends with your neighbors.  Especially when your neighbor is a crazy psycho hose beast.